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Sweet Poetry

by alliyah

It’s not as easy as I thought it’d be
Words so sweet and smooth like clotting honey
Ought to be easy to write, but that’s not the case.
They tangle and forget where they go, or who they are, or what they mean,
Like me I guess
That’s a metaphor, right?

Someone said write what you know,
But who wants to read a poem or hear a story about
Late-night TV, homework cramming,?
It’s not poetic, it’s hectic, and
You don’t want to hear it, and
I don’t want to write it.
I’m sick of it. I want to escape.
I want to create.

I want to write about soft flower petals,
And crystal rain drops, and laughter that bubbles –
Whatever that means, and every cliché you ever read
And then said, “that’s beautiful, what a nice thought, I guess that’s true”
And I want to know what the world means and who God is
I want to write that thought and make you smile with all your teeth
And just hold the words between them
Like a straw wading in sweet honey that you just want to drink up.

I’d like to add a little emotion in there too,
Love and hate, long walks, prayers, finding what is truly eternal
Tell you about wild adventures and secret whispers.
But it’s mushy, and it’s a combination of too fake and too real, and way too much of me.
The words are just too angry and sad and happy and weighed down with reality
And just wanting to write a poem that’ll make them care.
Like a kite reaching for heaven when it’s been tied to a tree
It’ll leave a bitter taste in both our mouths.
And that’s not what I wanted at all.

I guess if I can’t give you the words I want you to read,
I’ll just have to tell you how they sound, how they really feel.
They’re light and dense all at once
And they tell you it’s going to be okay.
And that you are important to someone, you know, you’re even important to me.
The words I want to hear and want to say
Caught in a beautiful endless loop -
Between those lines you’ve got flower petals, and rain drops,
And bubbling laughter, and something sweet.
The words shatter like glass in front of your eyes,

But it’s a twinkling sound that doesn’t scare you
And deep down you just know that it’s true.
Completely, seriously, totally true.

I know that’s the poem I want to write,
But it’s hard and it’s lost and some how
I feel like it keeps getting stuck between
Thick layers of artificial, inorganic fluff
And my never ending personal monologue.
The balance between the fake, and the way too real,
The praise and the burden and some advanced literary critique
That must have missed every word that I just wrote
But caught the grammar mistake in first two lines
It just doesn’t seem to be working,
At least not in the way I want.

I want to be real, but not have to spell it out
I want to be honest, but not put my heart on trial.
I want to comfort, without really knowing how messed up
And hurt, and confused everyone is, or I am.
And I want to write beautiful, sweet and sticky poetry
That burrows itself somewhere deep in the pit of your stomach
But it’s not that easy.
It’s not as easy as I thought it’d be
Words so sweet and smooth like clotting honey
Ought to be easy to write, but that’s not the case.
They tangle and forget where they go, or who they are, or what they mean
And I’m just desperately clinging to these thoughts becoming a dream – in the midst of a prayer
And just hoping that I figure it out. 

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Points: 100
Reviews: 0

Wed Sep 07, 2016 2:26 am
chweet says...

Its a nice and cute poem. If you don't mind me saying, I just want to suggest using some metaphor to make it more beautiful. :) Thumbs up still!

alliyah says...

Welcome to YWS. Thanks for your comment but I have to ask, did you read it? In the very first stanza I have a line following a metaphor that says "that's a metaphor, right?" ... There are actually quite a few metaphors in this poem, so I'm just a bit confused at your comment. Even the title "sweet poetry" is figurative speech - poems can't literally taste sweet or sticky like honey. Not trying to be too critical here, but it's generally best to read the piece before trying to leave a comment or critique for future reference. Best wishes!

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Points: 253
Reviews: 1

Mon Sep 05, 2016 11:50 am
ParvathyNayana wrote a review...

hi alliyah , i just want you to know that your poem is beautiful . It can be more beautiful if the emotions are not directly stated
I'm not an expert in writing , it is just my opinion and.....

You don’t want to read it, and
I don’t want to write it.
I’m sick of it. I want to escape.
I want to create.

I love these lines , because somewhere it is about me and my desire to escape

alliyah says...

Thanks for the comments Parvathy. :)

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1069 Reviews

Points: 114200
Reviews: 1069

Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:11 am
Mea wrote a review...

Hey alliyah! I thought I'd drop by and give you my inexpert opinion on this. :D

So, I want to love it. There's a gem of a poem in here that I'm really enjoying, and I think your format is failing you here. You said in your description that this is supposed to be read quite fast out loud (kind of like rap, maybe?), and the way you've written this, that's certainly how it reads. But I feel like there are parts of this that could really benefit from slowing down and allowing the reader to fully engage with what you mean. There are a lot of really nice images and sentiments in here, and we're plowing past them at the speed of light.

Along similar lines to that, I think this could benefit from being more concise. Fewer words often say more, and I think if you allow yourself to slow down a bit, you'll find yourself deleting a lot of the words that are necessary to make this feel fast, but don't add much to the overall meaning.

Caught in a beautiful endless loop -
Between the lines there are flower petals, and rain drops,
And bubbling laughter, and something sweet.
The words shatter like glass in front of your eyes,

I love these lines. I love the imagery and the message behind it. But, well, as you say in your poem, it's getting lost in the fluff and the monologue. (Clearly you already know what you need to improve - what am I doing telling you? :P)

As for how to go about doing that, well, that's the hard part. Sometimes I find it helpful to write a poem similar to what you've done here - stating exactly how I feel and why, with maybe a few gems of imagery. It's helpful to figure out what your poem is actually about.

Now, take that core feeling and try to express it without directly stating it or explaining it. In my opinion, that's practically the essence of poetry. Take the images you have here - the words like honey, the flower petals and rain drops you're trying to capture but not quite succeeding - and build from those. Right now, you have a lot of emotions here, all similar, but they wind up trying to vie for first place. You're expressing your trouble with writing poetry, but are you expressing frustration at how you can't make it poetic enough, at the critiques you get, or how you aren't experienced enough with life to write "proper poetry?" Right now, it feels like a mix of the three. Pick one, and build your poem around it.

I hope this helped a bit! If this was confusing, just ask for clarification. :P

alliyah says...

Hmm -- I think I should have maybe left out the description to 'read it fast' then... to clarify, I sort of see this as formatted like a slam poem or spoken word so parts would be fast, a few areas would slow down - kind of with the natural line breaks - but of course I agree with you that some parts would benefit from being read slowly. I get your point about the piece being a little scattered, but my opinion is a little scattered on this topic. At the heart of the matter this poem is about me wanting to write a "pretty" poem that is still genuine without being cliche and just how hard that is to find the right balance. I don't think I've met that balance in this poem, but I do think that message comes through. Thanks for the thoughtful review Mea.

I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today.
— Sheldon S. Maye