Young Writers Society

hey alliyah jay here to drop by and give you a review i hope you enjoy it

so lets get in to the poem

First off alliyah you did good work with this poem alliyah and all i what you to know is that don't never give up on what you like to do and just know you be proud of yourself for what you do and just keeping writing them thoughts down alliyah this was such an incredible poem alliyah

my compliment alliyah is well you did your best with your writing your poem and this was amazing to read alliyah i hope we see new work soon alliyah you did a pretty good job but just one more thing alliyah is keep finding more thoughts that you can think of

how you could of improve is keep doing well and yeah we proud of you alliyah for your nice wonderful work alliyah i im so glad you made us a good wonderful poem alliyah


keep writing alliyah!!

Radrook here for a review.


I really appreciate this kind of poem that leaves the reader wondering how all the pieces fit together to form one harmonious whole. Here we have a warrior that defends a flower until finally both meet their demise. Both are fund guilty and blameless simultaneously. This reminded me of mankind's situation where our sins are covered by Jesus'ransom sacrifice while we are technically guilty.

The poem leaves many questions unanswered such as: What is the glory which both of them sought. What was the relationship between warrior and flower? Struggles and causes and things they love? What does it mean that the warrior danced among her sisters? How could it not be her fight when it is described as her fight? Why should we be considering which death was more deserved? Who is the oppressor? What exactly is the war about? Why are we told that the questions might matter not? What is the cause that we are all dying from? The Edenic sin?

In short, I came away with the impression that the author is trying to present as many unknowns as possible for us to wonder about by not providing specifics for any one of them. It takes great skiil and imagination to do that.

Looking forward to reading more of your work


There is a momentary tense shift from past to present.

This is a poem that explores, states more questions than answers. I love that. It also shares a story and focuses an event that most would overlook. I know I've never thought twice about stepping on a flower. It is origional, something else I appriciate. It paints a picture. I don't really have anything negative to say about to say about this poem except that I really don't quite understand the last stanza and what cause the solider and flower died for. But other than that, good job!

Aliyah! I'm sorry for the weeks late review! Really, I am! And so, as a request, I'll give a Point Out! But first, I'd say, great wordsmithery! The structures were obviously from a great poet! Very deep and serene, and not only because of the themes, but the words and the narration of the piece. Kinda reminds me of Shakespeare and Milton...

IN THEME:
Okay, so first, the theme doesn't only affect how the poem runs, but also the words and structures it contains. For example, the word 'planet' is best used in a poem with a scientific theme. It can be used in romance, but it might be a bit awkward, and thus a lesser word (if the word is too technical) or a greater word (if the word's too shallow) should be used instead. In the second line of the poem, you used the word 'particles'. It is specific, and it renders a great visual effect, but it's a bit too technical, it cuts the serene mood as it turns out to be serious. If you plan on changing it, you can use a vivid noun or adjective which is not too technical. This appears in some lines, too, so it would be nice if you could look up on how the words are chosen based on a theme.

THE SHOW AND TELL:
Another Point which appears in a lot of pieces.To tell, see, is to narrate it as the speaker, but to show it is to describe the bits until the readers feel or see it, too. Well, you actually did a good job showing the poem. As I've said, I love the structure; the lines were all shown and well told. Now, only a tip: Be verbs are quite dull as verbs and are considered as tell-y, not showy, so I advise you to avoid those kind of verbs in your poems.

THE CAPITAL OF...
words aren't supposedly capitalized. If it is a convention for you to capitalize all the first words of the each line of the piece, then I certainly approve. But if not, remember that it shouldn't be, and that can be a factor on how technical readers perceive the nature of the piece. Be sure to check up on those caps, okay?

So those are the only things I can Point Out. But, really! This is one of the best poems I've read in YWS. Well, it needs some more fixing and more opinions from other people, but for me, I see it as a worthy of a read. But there's always a place of improvement, so be sure to proof and proof the piece again and again!

Good luck writing!
Your Pointer Outer,
Alf

That was beautiful! Loved it!! Please comment on my story!

Hey, first of all I'd like to say that I really liked this piece. The grammar could use some work, but the other review pretty much addressed most of those issues so I'll skip straight to the meat of it. The contrast between the strong warrior and the little flower blooming in the dirt was really neat. I felt like it was addressing the sadness and pointlessness of violence and war while briefly showing the destruction of beautiful things in war's wake in just a few lines. I love how you managed to do that. The only thing that threw me off a little was when the 'Now I ask you this:' line came in. I was fully captured in the scene that you painted in the first few lines, and waiting for how you would wrap it up with the contrasting images of the mighty warrior and little flower when this came up. It just seemed like it chopped up the poem much more than what it was at the beginning. Maybe it's just me, but besides that, I loved it!
Keep it up, and hope to see more of your writings soon!

colapse has to ls, like this: collapse. And I'm not sure you spelled oppresor right either.warriors should be warrior's. it's should be its I think. I love this poem; it's probably my favorite of the ones you've posted so far. I feel like the line 'Crushed into the irrelevant particles of soil' is one syllable too long, but I can't figure out how to shorten it. Nice job!