Young Writers Society

Oh woow! this poem is the bomb
I love this one so much because that is how I see Life now, we grow every day. And I'am busy with my own ''grow'' in Life. Now I see that all poems, what I read, that they all have something with ''grow'' in it. I like that, really, these poems can help me, help me to undertsand how Life can be. I know it is sometimes mean and hard, but that can only makes us stronger!

I see now every new day as a new chance. We can make things right, maybe we have seen that as a mistake, but I see that as growing! We grow every day....no matter how or when. We grow every minute exactly

I love to grow, I see also that I have grow in writing...so never give up!!


Love; Bree

Hey Alliyah!

I really enjoyed reading your poem, there was a lot of realism and I could easily that you came up with this idea from battleship as it was evident in the words. I also rather liked the simplicity and flow of the poem, as it flowed calmly all the way to the end.

It was thoroughly enjoyable to read and I look forward to reading your other poems and not to mention the future ones yet to come!


MissLyricz x

Hey, Alliyah!

Nice poem. I definitely like it when writers write about war. Its a really good message, quite different, I can say. ^^ I loved the way you describe the skies and people here.

First off, I would like to say, in this poem, you've got the arrangements of sentences wrong. Not that you need to change anything, just that it doesn't go on with the next. In other words, there's no flow to the poetry. You're lacking there. But you need not worry! I shall fix it for you.

Mistakes:

Let us start with the first 7 lines.

alliyah wrote: haven't we grown
from our days of battle
grown from those hopeless
but forever engrained days
of throwing grenades to the unmarked air
like fireworks we enjoyed the spark of fire
light sprinkling the night

alliyah wrote: changing our worlds
forever
then there was victory
then there was terror
in the end there was no winner
but there was strength
and we grew

Hello Alliyah First off, this poem is great, the best I've read of your's so far (which is only two, but whatever). If I recall correctly, your last poem also dealt with soliders which is good, because keeping a general theme allows for writing growth. This poem has something to say about humanity and war. I particually liked the part where you said "like fireworks we enjoyed the spark of fire" It displays the childlike fascination with war and distruction that we still see today. In fact, I think that may be the one thing I don't agree with in this poem. You state that we have grown from our expirences, which may be true to a point...In my opinion humanity still has a bloodthirsth that will never be completley satisfied. Violence is simply a part of our nature. You have me considering a rebuttal poem. But good job! I love this

This is a very short poem that was written by a skilled hand. In short, it sums up how things really are when it comes to battle. You fight, you win or lose, and then you grow stronger in that area. Your line "haven't we grown from our days of battle" to me implies isn't fighting overrated? Is that what your going for here? Anyways, this is great.

Wow. This is really good and I love the idea and the message behind it. It's very inspiring to me, and I just love that!
There were no spelling errors that I noticed, so you're good on that. But there should be a question mark at the end of the first line because it is asking a question. And there should be a comma in between "fireworks" and "we" in the sixth line. I didn't really see any mistakes other than that.
Overall, this is a really great and inspiring poem. Nice work
~Fallen

Hello i really like the poem you have wrote here its very inspiring and it reminds us of what did happen years ago people wouldnt even think that happened but it did very well said you have talent keep up the good work xo

Hello! I really like the concept of this poem and I feel like it's extremely relevant. I just have a few comments to make.

> I'm kind of interested in some of the technical choices you made. I feel like it's an interesting, perhaps unintentional, contrast between the message of the poem and the way you present the poem in a visual sense. Your poem calls for growth and relates metaphorical instances in which the reader could see development. However, your poem's technique implies lack of growth or sophistication by its lack of punctuation, capitalisation, and disruption by a dash that juts out of the stanza, lending to a disruption in what you're trying to get across. I can't say I like this and the irony sort of detracts from the message and seriousness that your poem projects. However, in the end, it's your decision, but I'm interested in the thought process behind the structure of your poem.

> On a smaller note the "their" on the line third from the end should be "there."

> Also, I think the way that you break up lines is either extremely dicey or, in at least one case, extremely genius. There are definitely some weird sections like when you say

"Of throwing grenades to the unmarked air
Like fireworks we enjoyed the spark of fire...etc"

It almost reads as if you're saying

"Like fireworks, we enjoyed the spark of fire"

which is an interesting thought, though I'm not sure if this is what you intended.

Aside from this, I feel as though your other "interpretive" line breaks were not very effective as they neither altered the meaning of your poem in a positive way, nor lent themselves to congruency, expansion, or reiteration of your point.

In conclusion, I felt as if your poem was extremely interesting in concept. However, some choices in terms of technicality were very odd and resulted in a general traffic jam of words and meaning. I would love to talk to you about the intent of this, as it's quite fascinating and I like talking to writers about what they intended for their piece when it's unclear to me. Thanks for an enjoyable read,

Threnody