Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
"Why is he here now?!" I jumped off the love seat, pacing back and forth. "He has been gone for two years in , who knows where, and now he comes back and wants to talk to me."Percy had his face in his hands.
"I don't know Demi, hes selfish, that's just a part of who he is." He got up and wrapped his arms around my shaking figure. I remeber how it use to be with Damon, we were so in love, until he decided to leave. We were going to get married, he was going to put a ring on my finger that I wanted there, not some sleaze like Felix. He had my heart, and he crushed it as soon as he disappeared without a word. Tears well in my eyes, the old wounds open again.
"Why, Percy, why would he do this?" He put his chin on my head. "I dont know, I dont know."
When Percy leaves not too long later does Cookie bustle in my room.
"Where have you been, child, you best be gettin' out of these clothes before the Queen gets ahold of you!" She strips me of my gown and throws on a dress made of soft cloth. I sniffel.
"Now, now, child, It may not be all that bad, you may eventually love Prince Felix, there's nothin' to be cryin' bout." I nod even though that is not at all what I am upset about, but get up and go down to where she says my mother would be waiting for me. My mother is standing in the library, her fingertips brushing against the bindings of the books. Her blond her that matches my own is in her signature knot atop her head.
"Yes, mother" I say. She turns to me her face that was once calm and placid, turns grim.
"Why did you run out on your father this morning?" She comes to stand in front of me, her brown eyes glistening, in what I may assume is disappointment.
"I am sorry for my actions, it will not happen again." Lowering my head for fear she will find out what a lie I just said. She turns away with a sigh, clasping her hands behind her back, walking over to the window looking out to the garden. There was a silence and I felt very awkward standing there, I began looking around because I didnt know what to do
"Why don't you just try, Demitria! Don't you think your father would make a good decision for you?!" She says spinning around, my head whipping toward her.
"Mother, why should I have to be married to someone I do not love, how does that in anyway hold my best interests?!" I say becoming angry. Why do I have to live in this imaginary world where everything is happy, when it clearly isn't. You shouldnt force someone to marry a person they do not love.
"We let you have a choice in love, and look where it went." Her eyes become stone, I am shocked at what has come out of her mouth, how dare she use Damon against me. Tears well in my eyes and I storm out of the library my mother calling behind saying she was not finished with me, but I ran up to my chambers and slammed the door. This was not how I wanted to live. After much thought, I knew I had to do something, I started packing my bags of necesities other than clothes, I couldnt wear my royal attire, because I was running away.
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139,560 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Another cliffhanger! You're still switching tenses! Yes, yes, I know, I haven't given you a chance to fix it. Her decision to run away is a bit sudden; I would suggest building up to it a bit. Your comma usage has much improved, and I positively adore the scene with her mother. Allow your self to describe the Queen a little bit. Also, let the fight build up. It feels like Demetria walks in and both of them are raging mad. I think the reader would be more sympathetic to D if she at least tries to reason with her mother. You provided the info about Demetria and Damons' past very well. My novel has a princess with an unwanted marriage as well! Random, I know. You misspelled necessities. Describe her thoughts. Allow her to wage an inner war. Seeing a character grow is hoe dedicated readers get their kicks, love!
Evilly,
Aure
Hey there alliesantana11!
I like this chapter too.
I won't talk about the punctuation errors since I reviewed about that in the last chapter. However I would like to correct a few of your errors:
"Where have you been, child? You best be gettin' out of these clothes before the Queen gets a hold of you!" She strips me of my gown and throws on a dress made of soft cloth. I sniffle.
"Mother, why should I have to be married to someone I do not love? How does that in anyway hold my best interests?!" I say, becoming angry. "Why do I have to live in this imaginary world where everyone is happy and everything is perfect, when they clearly aren't? You shouldn't force someone to marry a person they do not love."
"We let you have a choice in love, and look where it went." Her eyes become cold; I am shocked at what has come out of her mouth. How dare she use my past with Damon against me?
Tears swell in my eyes and I storm out of the library, my mother calling behind, saying she was not finished with me but I ran up to my chambers and slammed the door.
This was not how I wanted to live. After much thought, I knew I had to do something, I started packing my bags of necessities other than clothes; I couldn't wear my royal attire, because I was running away.
^ I suggest you write "I was running away" in italics.
It was a good chapter and I like the story line. I hope there will be more chapters.
Keep writing and happy Review World Cup!
~ Gigi
I did not read the first chapter, but I am going to review this piece technically. Your piece has so many grammar and punctuation errors.
This sentence would run much smoother if instead you said "I jumped off the love seat and began to pace back and forth." Or even "I jumped off the love seat and paced back and forth."
Either works.
What is the extra quotation mark doing there?
You are very comma happy. You need to take out commas and make extra sentences. Also, "hes" should be "he's". It's a contraction for he is, therefore it's he's. So this sentence would be better like this. "I don't know, Demi. He's selfish. It's just a part of who he is."
This paragraph, other than that one sentence
It's perfect. I fell in love with this part. Felix is a sleazeball and she remembers Damon. The only thing is... she's thinking of Damon while she hugs Percy which begs the question. Are Demi and Percy just friends? Or is there something else... (*cough cough*) Going on there? Lol.
Now there's this sentence right after.
This part is great, I love it and I completely see what you're trying to convey. With the punctuation, however, it reads a little awkwardly. Also, you need to start a new paragraph each time a different character speaks. Try this:
"Why, Percy? Why would he do this?" I asked. I begged him for an answer he probably didn't have. I was so desperate for answers.
"I don't know." He said, putting his chin on my head. "I don't know."
See?
So, you get the point. I liked how close Demi and Percy are, and I also love the POV you use. I'm more comfortable using present tense, so it's refreshing to see a piece written in the past tense. I also loved your descriptions about how Demi is feeling. She seems like a very sad and confused girl. Like I said, just work on eliminating commas and run on sentences and you'll be golden. Keep Writing, you have GREAT potential
-Gravity