Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I will not marry that Prince Felix if it is the last thing I do. He is spoiled rotten, how could he ever love me as much as he loves himself. I wandered around the garden muttering to myself, I was just short enough that the thick brush concealed my location. If my mother were to find me, she would faint on sight, for my gown was already torn and muddy from running out on my father, who yet again was trying to do 'whats best for me.' Yeah right.
"Demitria, where are you princess, come out!" I could here Cookie yelling, somewhere in the gardens depths. "Prince Felix will be here any minute now!" Well that changes everything. I scurry deeper in the forest. All of a sudden as I look behind me, a hand clasps to my mouth. I scream and struggle to get free, only hearing laughter in my ear. I am finally let go and spin around to see my perpetrator.
"Hello sister, what are you doing out here? Running away from your responsiblities is my guess." Dimitri smiles. My twin brother has always been the golden child, he does whatever my parents tell him, and he always finds a way to get under my skin about it.
"What do you want, Dimitri?" I seethe, smoothing my skirt out, even though it was no use.
"Just wandering these lovely gardens, theres a new fountain now over by the roses. I think Cookie would much enjoy to look at now wouldn't she." He screamed for my maid, after muttering a curse word to him, I shoved him and ran away. As I reached the steps to my chambers, I heard footsteps coming down the steps, I quietly tiptoe down the stairs, as i reach the end I here voices.
"Shes very adventurous you will find, she will always keep you occupied." My fathers deep voice rang.
"Well, sometimes I need some adventure in my life." I could already hear by his voice thart Felix had that distasteful smirk on his lips that all the girls swooned for, except one girl, me.
"There she is!" My father announced. "Oh my Demitiria, what has happened to you?!" He said in utter displeaure.
"Well, father, you know, being adventurous." I sneered."I am quite tired so if you will excuse me, Father, Prince." I curtsied to both and ran up to my room. When I opened my door I knew I wasn't the only one there.
"Percy!!!!!" I screamed and ran to my loving friend. He smiled to me, moving his curly brown hair aside, his green eyes glistening in happiness.
"Hello, sweetheart." He hugged me. "How has your day been?" I flopped down on my love seat with him, not caring if i was ladylike or not, it was Percy.
"Oh, you know, the usual tampering of my life by my father, you?" I look over, he pushes his curls away from his face.
"My brother came back today." he said looking at the ground, the he looked me in the eye, my stomach turning at what he just said, dread filling my body, "And?" I said, worry laced in my voice.
"Damon wants to see you."
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Independent-Chapter 2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,547 Literary Works • 672,606 Reviews
Hello, love!
I'd say that you should work on your comma usage a bit, and keep from switching from past to present tense. I'm writing my novel in first person, present tense as well, and it really is hard. However, it's quite confusing when you switch back and forth- you do this a lot in the beginning. I like the plot and the ending is quite the cliffhanger. All the best to you, love!
Evilly,
Aura
Hey there alliesantana11!
So let's get on with the review!
First of all, not a great use of punctuation. Here are some sentences which I corrected:
He is spoiled and rotten; how could he ever love me as much as he loves himself?
I wandered around the garden, muttering to myself. I was just short enough for the thick bush to conceal my location.
If my mother were to find me, she would faint on spot for my gown was already torn and muddy from running after my father, who yet again was trying to do "What's best for me." Yeah, right.
"Demetria, where are you princess? Come out!" I could hear Cookie yelling somewhere in the garden's depths.
All of a sudden as I look behind me, a hand clasps around my mouth.
"Just wandering around these lovely gardens, there's a new fountain now over by the roses. I think Cookie would much enjoy to look at you now, wouldn't she?"
Okay. There are too many to write. Just go through the story again fixing the punctuation and give a friend or your parents to read it and ask them for their feedback and if they find any errors.
"As I reached the steps to my chambers, I heard footsteps coming down the steps, I quietly tiptoe down the stairs, as i reach the end I here voices." Shouldn't it he "hear voices"?
Other than all that, I like the story. I find the speeches quite original for a Royal to say and overall it is remarkable. The only problem is punctuation.
Looking forward to the next chapters!
Keep writing,
~ Gigi
And happy Review World Cup!
I enjoyed this piece. Compared to other writings I've read on here about princesses this piece really held my interest but I'm not sure exactly why! You write quite well, but I have some suggestions about the way you include internal monologue in your piece. For instance, here is the first paragraph re-written slightly;
[quote]I will not marry that Prince Felix if it is the last thing I do. He is spoiled rotten, how could he ever love me as much as he loves himself?
I wandered around the garden muttering to myself, I was just short enough that the thick brush concealed my location. If my mother were to find me, she would faint on sight, for my gown was already torn and muddy from running out on my father, who yet again was trying to do, "Whats best for me.'
Yeah right.
Because the thoughts here almost act as speech between the narrator and the reader, I think this paragraph works better if you treat them as such. Putting them in italics lets the reader know they aren't direct speech while still separating them from the regular text. I enjoyed the introduction of Percy into the story, but I found Demitria's hatred for the prince to be unfounded and a little bratty. I think if you want us to like her as a main character, you need to give the readers a reason to not like Prince Felix too!
Other than those points overall a very interesting work. I'd like to see who Damon is and get to the drama!
Too much too fast. Slow down and take a few minutes to describe the princess, the prince, the garden (or is it a forest?) and so on.
This here is what you'd call two different clauses. They can be separated by a ; or by starting a new sentence with "how".
That's "hear". No worries; those homophones can be tricky.
I'm not sure you have the right use of "perpetrator" here. Usually it's someone who committed a crime, as in, "Police haven't yet caught the perpetrator."
Now this is only my opinion, but I don't think giving twins similar names is a good idea. It's confusing. However, if you can manage to make the two of them distinct enough it won't be much of a problem.
Oddly enough, the H in "he" doesn't need to be capitalized. Both the dialog and the action "he said" are part of the same sentence, so you don't need a capital.
This reads kind of oddly. Consider adding it to the previous sentence or rewording it to "I think Cookie would enjoy seeing it" or something.
Well, that should give you plenty to think about. Good luck with this story.