This is something I've written for GingerLizzy's "Describe the Scene" contest.
Twilight Park
The sun has finally set, dipping below the horizon like a spoonful of lava. From there it slowly boils and dies, shooting sprays of orange up the wall of the sky's dome. A copse of trees creates an eerie silhouette against the washed out sky. Bare branched and naked, they cast their own shadows on the ground, jumping onto the virgin snow. A winter wind drives by and rattles the tree branches together, causing the shadows to dance on the white lawn.
A doe appears out of the copse. She stands still, nose held high, and sniffs the air. Pausing like a statue, she surveys the park. It is silent, deserted in the nighttime of December. Sure of her solitude, she steps out and places the first mark on the snow. She walks across the open field where two soccer goals stand as sentinels on either end.
The lava has cooled, and now the sky is black. Clear, bright stars shine above. As light as day, yet as dark as night, the twilight covers the park, where only the doe moves on the sparkling snow.
On the edge of the park is a wall of evergreens, their treetops biting up at the sky. A branch heavy with snow snaps, breaking the secret quiet with a crack and thump. The doe leaps up and sprints past a park bench to the evergreen forest. With a flash of her white-tail, she passes like a ghost out of the park's memory, her tracks the only testament to her passing.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a really incredible piece of description. I have never read any descriptive piece that has hit the mark as perfectly and highly as this one. Honestly, if it was up to me I would not change a single thing. You have a way with your words; you twist them around and arrange them in these beautiful pictures that we can almost visualize behind our eyes. It really was beautiful and your writing style is very lovey.
'Bare branched' should be hyphenated as 'bare-branched', but other than that, I really loved this sentence. Your attention to detail is really staggering and at times I forgot that we were only just watching a moment suspended in time here. the build-up was so amazing that I was almost waiting for a climax throughout the story, despite the fact that there is no plot here.
For some reason, this piece of description sticks out for me and I have a little difficulty in imagining it. Maybe you could rephrase it some other way.
Again, lovely description here. I love how you can present such beautiful descriptions without it becoming too elegant or wordy. For example, here the descriptions are so perfectly balanced out. First, we have that contradicting imagery. And then it is followed by a simple short sentence that is just as effective in painting a picture for us.
Did not like this sentence very much. The expression 'biting up at the sky' does not sit very well with me. I would have perhaps replaced it with 'touching the sky'. It maintains the eloquence of the story and compliments the rest of the imageries you have built with your words.
Overall, this was a really beautiful. You are certainly talented in this particular arena and I wanted to thank you for sharing this with us.
Keep writing and have a great day!
A great piece of writing. I don't think I could have pulled off this level of description. One of my few qualm is the first analogy--"like a spoonful of lava." Maybe it's just me, but I had trouble visualizing this and comparing it to a setting sun, though I do appreciate the later allusion to it ("the lava has cooled").
This sounds eloquent, but does it really make sense? Think of your word choice--specifically, "sentinels." For me, this sentence sticks negatively out from the rest of the piece. But perhaps it is because it mentions, for the first time, the scar of the manmade amongst the natural.
This brings a negative connotation to the trees, which is fine--if this is what you are trying to express. Furthermore, "biting up at" is choppy, consider simply "biting the sky" or "biting at the sky."
Whoa, great sentence. Consider putting an "a" before "thump" for rhythm.
Now I'm just being picky. But after the reading the first sentence here, my mind believes the doe has now left the park. But the second sentence sees the doe passing through again.
I make these points only because I'm forced to be super-critical in a desperate effort to give some constructive advice. In truth, though, I didn't think of any of these suggestions on the first read. That said, I'm very impressed.
Glad you both liked it! Wow, I'm surprised at how much you found in such a small piece, but I'm glad you did because that' \s the type of nitpicking I need. I'll go edit now.
Wow! This piece is stunning! You capture the peaceful solitude of winter (not to mention the brittle serenity of a doe) beautifully! Really, I noticed very few mistakes... good job!
Why is this sentence in the past tense? Just change the "had" to "has" and you'll be good. Also, this is completely your choice, but when I first read this I thought for a split second that it was "The sun had finally set, dripping below the..." I thought that was kind of cool--of course, "dipping" is lovely too...
1st sentence: I think it would go better if you hyphenate "bare-branched"
2nd sentence: I was disappointed in the flow of this sentence.
I wasn't impressed with the flow of this one either... maybe you should say something like, "...send their light down, making the snow sparkle."
Nitpick: I thought the choice of "treetops" was kind of awkward... maybe "...their pointed tops biting up at the sky" Oh, and I assume you mean "at" rather than "as"
I liked the idea of this, but there's a minor thing wrong with it: the doe would have left her tracks, wouldn't she? So then she wouldn't have passed COMPLETELY out of the memory of the park... unless it was blizzarding or something. Just something to think about.
Other than that, really nice piece! It was a joy to read.
Let me know if I was unclear about anything!
~Azila~
EDIT: man, Camille! Did you have to post a critique at the same time as me? And we pointed out a lot of the same things, too.
'had' should be has, because the rest of the piece is written in the present tense.
I'm not sure about the 'they cast their own shadows on the ground' bit. I mean, who else's shadows would be casting? You might be beter off to say 'they cast skeletal shadows on the ground' - use an adjective to describe the shadows, you know?
I think you should say 'they send down their light to make the snow sparkle'. I dunno; it could just be personal preference, but I think that sounds better. ^.^
Biting up as the sky? Typo, or something?
I've never really thought of snow as landing with a crash...somehow it just doesn't seem to work. *shrug* But maybe it's just me.
I don't think 'white-tail' needs to be hyphenated...nice ending line though.
Overall, this is very pretty. You have vivid, engaging imageyr, and the pacing is good. I've read the rules/expectations for GingerLizzy's contest and this doesn't seem to be lacking any of them - I really have nothing to say. This seems like it could be a prologue for a book, or something of the sort.
Very nice! Good luck in the contest!
Cheers,
Camille