Young Writers Society

Very old school.. pretty cool!

In the last stanzas, try to make it more concrete and see whether turning it from the abstract to the solid makes it different.

I be returning to crit your edit.

I must say, this is much improved. Normally I would advise against lengthening a poem, but I think this version is better than the first.

Meaning. I would say this is clearer; I can get a better picture in my mind of what's going on here, but I'm still not entirely sure what the "point" is. I'm still going to guess at what I did last time, which is something along the lines of accepting death or going willingly into death, or perhaps that death is just another journey, another threshold to pass over.
This works as a narrative (and descriptive) poem for me right now, but I'm not entirely clear on what the speaker's realization is or what point he/she is trying to make about death or the journey to death. Obviously you shouldn't blurt it out at the end as so many mistakenly do..."This is what my poem means! Here is the point!"...but it might be nice to add in a hint here or there.

Rhythm and Rhyme. Most of the remaining problems are technical rhythm/rhyme issues. I think I'll go through individual examples:

I am burning, swirling, shaking.
In my mind pass forgotten faces.
The cool slate stops me, then, waking.
But still the haze--a million faces.

Like ripples, the pictures fade,
and all that is left is stone.
Is this Darkness all that was made?
Silence. Nothing. There's not a tone.

Suddenly, all the stars appear,
their majesty spilling over!
The Light draws from my eye a tear,
and I must drop my gaze lower.

Only one place can this be--World's End,
where go the earthly, mortal dead.
And nothing can anyone lend,
that would erase what has been said.

And loathe am I to look out,
for the stars shine with all their might.
How can I dare to step out,
when their music has pierced my sight?

Save for the gods and their sweet Cherubim! Save all but God and His sweet Seraphim!
[...]
Witness the Celestial Dance! Listen to the Great Ones fly and prance!

No wind is in the starlight, no breeze,
but still I can feel a freshness.
It is of cool, green, summer leaves.
There is something stirring, restless.

Then, afraid, I straighten up tall.
I approach the edge, there's no jest.
I reach it, and try not to fall.
From the abyss comes the voice of Death.

And lo! There appears at World's End,
a shimmer, a something--tis a door.
I grasp the knob, and the stars do bend...
Of what happens next, I say no more.

I agree wholeheartedly with Clau here. Some of the lines you have are really, really nice, while others just kind of...struggle to be, and then aren't.

Rhythm and rhyme. I think a lot of the problems in this piece are the result of trying to make things rhyme...it's difficult to write good rhyming poetry, and one of the mistakes made in the process is having really awkward rhymes because the phrases have been twisted or just made up in an attempt to squeeze a rhyme out. When I write rhyming poetry (which isn't as often as it should be) I'll take something out if it's too difficult to rhyme with.

Example:

Of love and life I know now not,
For I stand here at the world's end.
A battle royale, a lifetime I fought,
But death is something no one can fend.

I can't think up what good things to say.

Perhaps the idea was too abstract, or maybe the way it was told was clunky, or maybe it is just too early for me to be trying to understand poetry.

I felt like it was trying to sound beautiful, but it didn't really work for me. The long lines in between each longer stanza bothered me, I really want to break those up and split them.

Try to keep in mind that you want to make the reader feel, whether it is an emotion, or you want to make them feel apart of it. Use sensory image: sight, sound, taste, smell, touch, etc. and bring the reader into the poem. Read over this and see where you could add those things in.

I can't think of much else to say... I fear it's just too early to be reading poetry. Hope I helped

There was a lot of telling in this instead of visual. It was beautiful but I think that some of the rhymes were forced and therefore jumbled the actual meaning.

Of love and life I know now not,
For I stand here at the world's end.
A battle royale, a lifetime I fought,
But death is something no one can fend.

**The "For" and "But" in the second and fourth line should be lower case. This is the case for many of the other stanzas as well.

And loathe am I to look out, step out,
For the stars are all in the sky.
That Columbus was wrong in what his sought,
Is something I realize with a sigh.

**"And loathe am I to look out, step out," Sounds awkward here. And "For the stars are all in the sky" is too short a line which creates forced rhyme. "That Columbus was wrong in what his sought." His is supposed to be he? And the end line seems out of place.

The world is flat. See! Here is its edge. But time is round, a place without any hedge.

**"any" can be taken out here so that it reads: A place without hedge. It fits better.

Lacking exuberance, I straighten up tall,
And concede this night to not be jest.
I scramble back from the edge, lest I fall,
And out of the abyss comes the voice of Death.

**This was my favorite of all the stanzas. I don't think that the third line is quiet short enough to read well with the rest but otherwise the wording is good.

I have come; I have some for you, O Mortal One. Behold, here is your door!

**Everything is good here except for the "I have some for you" part. It just seems vague and undescribing.

And lo! there appears at world's end,
A shimmer, a something--tis a door!
I grasp the knob, and the dark does bend...
Of what happened next, I say no more.

**The first top line is confusing, I think the "there" should be capitalized and that might just fix it. "And the dark does bend" sounds lovely though I'd love some of this imagery in the rest of the poem. The ending is awesome.

Great job on this for your first post! I hope to read more!

Keep it up!
~Rieda