This poem was previously known as "You Never Miss". It has been revised and renamed.
Piercing the Red
Select the one with choicest glow,
and smell to see it’s ripe.
Its stem and leaf are angled low;
it seems the perfect type.
Such lovely skin of freshest red
is pierced by your sharp teeth.
And everything that fruit has said,
the flesh reveals beneath.
And rip it out; go savor it.
You cut to the bare core.
Then in your clever hand, turn it,
to find where there is more.
And when you have finished, discard
that once so valued prize.
Like every heart you ever marred
or killed with all your lies.
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Canary word: Present
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Reetio, contest review number two;
Right, I liked the idea and story behind the poem, but I have to admit, I wasn't so keen on the rhyming scheme for such a serious topic. Of course, you did the rhyming scheme well, I just think you could have made it a more serious rhyming scheme? I'm probably not making any sense.
I had a bit of trouble with the last stanza, but I'm not sure why. I sort of faltered and couldn't get my head around it, but that's probably my own stupidity. Other than that, I think you have a real talent.
Hehe;
GingerLove
I think it's great. I think it may be your specific style (you may have an e.e. cummings thing going on), but you don't capitalize every stanza. It kind of bugs me, but that's stylistic because you do capitalize some things. But I digress.
The metaphors and flow and punctuation, all of it, is very nicely executed. The flow is there, except for in the third stanza
The first two lines are a little rocky sounding. I think you could maybe get rid of the semi-colon and use the word 'you' as repition for emphasis. Then change the second line around just a bit, so that the third stanza reads:
This is, of course, a suggestion, and I don't mean to impose my opinion, but I think that it would just sound a bit smoother.
Other than those things, I think this is superb piece and I enjoy it a lot. I am finding, as I read more and more of your work, you have a very sophisticated and enjoyable style.
I have finally edited this poem, taking into account all the replies. The general concensus was that my final stanza didn't fit, so I fixed it.
*Revisions include a new name, puncuation, some added words in the third stanza to make the whole thing a 8-6-8-6 iambic rhythm, and a completely
new final stanza.
Enjoy!
Ooo! I liked this! And, though you might not have intended for this, I can see some big "Adam and Eve" metaphor, and that just kmakes me happy. Very sophisticated writing!
Now... it's only the last stanza that needs to be stabbed with a fork.
You eat an apple just like this, <--- 8 syllables
But what you cannot see <--- 6 syllables
Is that my flesh you never miss. <--- 8 syllables
You kill the heart inside of me. <--- 8 syllables
So that might be one cause of off-balance?
Let's play with it!
You eat an apple just like this,
But what you cannot see
Is though my flesh you'll never miss.
You kill the heart in me.
I think that's better. Although I'm pretty sure you'll be able to refine it better. ^_^
So just play with it! You seem to be a very skilled poet, so I want to see what you can do with it.
Also! Don't forget to rate your work. That way, when you post it, it'll go on the front page. Free publicity!
I see what you're saying with the metaphor troubles. I agree with Razorblade; it's as though you've shoved the metaphor in the reader's face. And the line "You kill the heart inside of me"--just...no. It sounds so emo and I know you can write better.
The rhythm is also bothering me...it's annoyingly constructed and childish. I suggest that you tone it down a bit lest the poem come out sounding like a picture book. It's making you force some rhymes and change your syntax in a bad way. Gah, I'm not explaining it very well...do you know what I mean? Know how children's books sound? When it comes to rhyme and rhythm, the best thing you can do is read aloud and be a perfectionist.
Keep working on it!
-Colleen
Thank you for the feedback. I'm happy to see that you all enjoyed my metaphor and imagery.
But *sigh* it appears I need help on the last stanza. My orginal reason for writing this was to describe the way a person can hurt another, and the apple metaphor was just a way of expressing it. It seems that as I wrote I focused too much on the metaphor and forgot to get my real idea across. That's way the last stanza is so that way it is. It was supposed to be blunt, but it ended being too much so.
Well, how should I fix it? Should I just nix it and forget my original intent or should I change the stanza, and how so?
Help, please.
I think the whole describing of an apple is utterly amazing, but I don't like the last stanza either; it doesn't seem to fit, or flow.
MERRY WRITING
~Bells~
I agree with the pirate
The last stanza is a bit off. What I love about this poem is how incredibly detailed it is! You make eating an apple seem quite carnivorous. Marvelously done!
Well, I'm no poetry expert, so excuse if this isn't terribly helpful.
I like all the stanzas except the last one- it doesn't quite click with the rest. You've got this lovely metaphor going and then you kind of shove it in the reader's face at the very end. I think you could keep that metaphor going all the way through and it'd be better. But I definitely enjoy the heart-apple relationship you portray. I think that's really inventive and it puts a good picture in my mind.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate