Published February 28, 2008
This a set of unrelated poems (quatrains) that I have entered in the February Poetry Contest.
1.
A bead of dew upon a single leaf
Holds all the waking world within its sphere.
A place where scarlet, violet, yellow meet
To please their source, the rising sun they mirror.
2.
Looking up to me, her friend so tall,
With pleading, pretty, puppy eyes
My dog begged me to bounce the ball
I let it loose and watched her fly.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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In parts your rhyming lets you down.
For instance
The syntax is really distorted in this, so it doesnt sound natural but rather forced. If you must rhyme just go for making it sound real in every time and don't compromise because you have to make it rhyme.
This cliche really ruined the second poem. Generally you used too many adjectives in both pieces, but this was overdoing it. Try focusing on your nouns and verbs and you'll have much stronger poetry.
good poems. i thought they were both a little cheesy and the rhymes were force. but besides that they were good.
Hi, Alleycat. How are you today? Hope you're doing good...
The First Poem
This has some very good imagery here. The underlined sentences I think, don't flow too well. I'm not a very good poet, so I can't really say what you are to change... just read it out loud. You'll see that the sentences are too long.
The Second Poem
My edits are in bold. You missed the period at the end, and the others are self explanatory. This was a good poem, much less vague than the one above, and easier to read. It's fun, innocent and short, Everything I like summed up into a simple poem.
Good luck with the contest!
-Jared