Change of Plans Chapter One

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They say that destruction of all of the things that you despise is sweet, but there are certain people that believe that nothing is sweeter than revenge???
A dark fallen angel, a snake man and a born vampire have plans to destroy the planet earth but when one of them gets brutally murdered by one of their own species those plans change into one of revenge. They stop their plans of destruction short and travel back home to their own world in search of their friends murderer, the killer leads them on a cat and mouse game that ends up making them travel all over the planet. When they finally catch the guy ???or girl- he/she explains to them as to why he/she did it and it seems like a pretty good reason to one of them, but the other one is blinded by rage and hatred that they don???t believe it for a second. Will they let the guy go and go back to their original plans or will they make him/her suffer for what he/she did to their friend???

Chapter One
Blood curdling screams could be heard all around the neighbourhood, everyone had locked themselves away in their homes in search of some kind of safety but no one on the street was safe. Inside one of the houses Alanine gripped the bloody dagger in her hand and stared down at the bodies before her, they all laid cold, stiff and lifeless on the ground. Her smile was evil and twisted as she gazes down at her work, she was very proud of what she had accomplished.
They should have known better then to mess with me
She thought as she lifted the dagger up to her mouth, her tongue ran over the blade as she licked it clean before sliding it back into its holster that she had attached to her belt. Turning around she began to walk away from the people that she had drained of their blood, as she walked out of the front of the house she heard the old lady next door screaming at her. She has standing on her front lawn with a phone in her hand, no doubt calling the police. Turning around Alanine stared at the old woman, blood lust clear in her dark grey eyes, she tilts her head slightly to the side and the old woman???s eyes grew wide with fright. She dropped the phone that she was holding up to her ear onto the ground and she ran back into her house locking the doors behind her. Alanine turned back around and walked down the street; behind her she heard the police sirens and smiled. Her plan was going perfectly. She climbed up a nearby tree and watched the scene in front of her unfold. As the police pulled up to the house she pulled out a remote from her pocket, when they were all inside she pressed down on one of the buttons and the house erupted into flames and after a few seconds the house exploded taking out a couple of the others along with it. Everyone around her were screaming and running around franticly while all that she was doing was sitting up in the tree smiling and laughing evilly at all of the commotion she has caused. More sirens could be heard off in the distance and for a moment Alanine???s smile falters, she had to get away now otherwise she would risk the chance of being caught. She quickly jumps out of the tree, landing safely on her feet; she makes a mad dash down the road trying to escape. As she runs the sirens become fainter and fainter until she can barely hear them anymore, she continues on running until she has reached sandy ground of the desert and can no longer hear any noises besides for the ones that she is making. The sun was setting and everything was growing quite dark, there was no way that she would be able to make it back to base camp before it got too dark out. Walking at an easy pace she keeps a look out around her to make sure that she is not being followed, no one is to know where her camp is set up, that could lead to the destruction of her plans and she didn???t want that. The wind begins to pick up speed and she shivers slightly, she tightens the long brown coat around her body tin an attempt to get some more warmth out of it. The sun has set completely and now she was left in complete darkness, unable to see anything beyond a few feet behind and in front of her. Alanine stops walking and reaches into her coat pocket; she digs around for a while until she finds what she is looking for. She pulls out a small case containing her night vision contact lenses, she had stashed them in her coat before she had left base known that she would probably need them, quickly placing them on she begins walking again not long after does she near the campsite. As she starts walking closer to it she hears someone???s footsteps from behind her and she freezes up instantly, her hand grips onto the handle of her dagger and she slowly draws it out of the holster, she quickly spins around and jumps upon the person behind her before they could comprehend what was going on. As she ready???s to slice the person open she looks down at their face and her eyes widen
???Fucking hell Aden!??? She screams at her new team mate while punching him in the chest several times, she quickly jumps up off of him and helps him stand up from the ground. Aden brushes the dirt off of his clothes and glares at Alanine
???You could have killed me!??? He shouts back at her, she crosses her arms over her chest with the dagger still in one hand
???Your own fault, you shouldn???t have snuck up behind me like that??? She grabs a hold of his hand and makes a small but deep cut along the palm of his dark colour skinned hand, covering the whole length of his palm He yelps in pain and as soon as she lets go of his hand it flies up to his mouth and he begins to suck at the blood.
???What the fuck? You physio!??? he mumbles around his hand and bit of blood starts to trickle out of the corner of his mouth
"Stupid Vamp" she mutters under her breath before she licks the blood off of her dagger for the second time today
???Aden, stop with the swearing??? Comes a cool voice from behind the pair, they both spin around to see their leader standing before them. His usually well hidden snake like tail was now swishing around on the sandy ground, creating little trails of dust. Aden quickly releases his hand from his mouth and straightens up while Alanine just stands there looking at Aden, he was scared of their leader because of what he is known to do to people who disobeys him.
???S-sorry Axial??? His voice comes out barely above a whisper and Alanine has to resist the urge to roll her eyes at him, she isn???t scared of Axial nor will she ever be. She turns to around to face Axial and smiles her twisted smile at him
???My mission has been completed??? She says to him, an evil glint in her eyes. He smiles a toothy grin that shows off his fangs and the tip of his forked tongue.
???Wonderful, and it only took you a couple of hours to complete. You are getting better at this my dear??? He praises her, her twisted smile begins to turn into a slightly normal grin when those words leave his mouth. ???Now come inside you two, we still have much to do before our plans are completed?????? He walks over towards his two assistants and places a hand on each of their backs before leading them towards their base camp hidden in the sand???
***
Alanine woke up early the next morning, she was in desperate need to get out and spread her wings. She walked out of her room and into the open air of the desert; she unfolded her black feather wings and allowed them to stretch. She bent her knees and flapped her wings once before she leapt into the air and began flying around. The wind was blowing in her black hair around which was causing it to whip her in the face a couple of times, she flies around for a couple of minutes and when she looks back down at the ground she sees Axial standing there watching her. She turns around and flies back down to the ground, as she gets close to the soft sand she folds her wings back up into her back and she lands safely on the ground on her feet. Alanine looks at him with a quizzical expression on her face
???What are you doing out here Axial???? She asks him, he walks closer to her and stares at her intently
???I heard you come out here,??? he pauses and looks right up into her eyes ???and Alanine, when was the last time you ate????
???Yesterday. Why???? She was really confused now, Axial pulled a small mirror out of his pocket and handed it to her. She took it off of him and gazed down into it, when she saw that her normally icy blue-grey eyes where now a dark blood red she gasped and almost dropped the mirror. ???H-how???? She stuttered out
They shouldn???t be that colour, they should be their natural icy blue-grey and not the colour that they were now, they only change colour when she is in need to feed. She had gotten it yesterday, it may have been only a small amount but that usually lasts her for a couple of days.
Axial places a gentle hand on her shoulder and she looks away from the mirror to look up at him, concern was written all over his face. His eyes showed something that Alanine knew all too well. She took a step away from him, causing his hand to fall off of her shoulder and down to his side. Alanine began to shake her head as she continued to slowly back away from him,
???I will not do it Axial!??? Her voice was harsh but it was barely above a whisper, with each step that she took to put as much distance between her and Axial he would close the distance by walking closer to her.
???Alanine, you know it is the only way?????? He tried to reason with her but it only made her refuse it even more, there was only one person who she would not fed upon and that was him.
???I don???t care! I will not use you to satisfy my hunger!??? Her voice was rising with each word and by the end she was practically screaming at him
Alanine was a stubborn girl; she was been since she was brought here. Once she had her mind set on something there was no changing it, and this happened to be one of those times.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Cadi
Review
Cadi wrote a review · Wed Dec 26, 2012 1:37 pm

Hey there, aliveandsurviving,

So, from your opening blurb-bit, it seems to me that you have quite an interesting concept and plot for this story; however, there are a few things I would like to talk about that I think could help improve the piece.

The first things that strike me about this piece are one, the fact that it's all a single block of text, and two, those strange '???' things. Now, I'm guessing (please correct me if I'm wrong) that the '???'s happened when you pasted the work into YWS, fair enough. (I wonder - if you edit the work and change a couple of '???'s to other punctuation just by typing them in, does the edit stay?) But, having sorted the '???' thing out in MS Word, I get the impression that the single-block thing is just how the story was. I'd like to suggest that you think about paragraphing in this story, because paragraphs not only break it up visually (making it easier to read, especially on a computer screen), but also break it up in 'meaning' - that is, new paragraphs signal little changes to a reader. As a basic rule, it's a good idea to start a new paragraph when you change place, time or person-that-you're-currently-focusing-on. That last includes 'when a new person starts speaking'.

Secondly, tenses. You start writing in the past tense ('Alanine turned'), but partway in switch to present tense ('Alanine's smile falters') and then later swap back to past ('Alanine woke up early'). This is confusing for the reader at best. You should pick one tense, past or present (or future!), and stick to it, unless you're clearly in a flashback/vision/dream/etc sequence. Confusion over tenses causes the reader to double-take, which pulls them out of the story.

Finally, regarding your opening bit. It reads to me like you're trying to write the blurb for the back of the book - is that right? If so, it opens really well - the first two sentences are brilliant. But from there on, it's a bit downhill - you're telling us that they catch the killer, and also how they react on doing so, and why, which removes an awful lot of suspense from the reader's experience. I'd suggest you cut it at the second sentence, and then find something in the vein of those first two to sum up the chasing of the killer and the potential for catching them.

I hope that this has been helpful to you. If you have any questions, please do feel free to message me - and similarly, get in touch if you'd like me to go through and check spelling and grammar errors.

Cadi x

User avatar
pahoem
Review
pahoem wrote a review · Sun Dec 23, 2012 8:49 am

I am interested in reading this, but will not until it is formatted in more of a suitable form. There are some errors with "?" which I don't think is anything you did, and also you need to put a new thought in a new paragraph if you know what I mean. I will continue reading when this is done! Cheers!

User avatar
Lycando
Comment

Tip one, space out the paragraphs, either from your word processor before you copy and paste it or space it out here itself.

Second thing, the question marks, try to get rid of it. Most of them are meant to be inverted commas I think.



cron
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