Southern Sky - Part I

Hi, alicat159!

So, I like what I'm reading, which is always good. It seems that this is reasonably strong foundations for a good story. There's definitely a good character in there, ready to be unveiled. The great thing is that there's a spark to your prose - it's so easy, in time, for your voice to become reserved and rusty. Conclusively, keep that spirited tone!

My only reservation is that you jumped straight in there. But then again, not everyone wants to be held back by prolonged description.




Lauren

Ummm... thanks for the review but this story isn't complete and it's my first one.

It's obvious that you are so far building Suzanna as a strong character, but none of the pieces of her personality are fitting together - that is probably due most to the short length of the piece.

Suzanna smoothed her long blonde hair back into its proper position and stared into her own dark hazel eyes. But yet she hated being so pretty. All of the county's terrible men were always bothering her. The last thing she wanted to do was marry some disgusting man in his fourties.

Thanks, I hadn't noticed that. I just added more to it today, so thanks for reviewing it. I'll fix those right now.

so yeah...scasha critiqued everything I was going to, so I guess I second what she said lol. Looking forward to more.

I realize that this is only the first draft and it sounds like you have a ton of passion for writing this. With that being said id like to point out a couple flaws. The character seems to shift every once in awhile. For instance in the beginning she seems prissy but not to extremely high on herself (in my opinion) but near the end of the chapter she just jumps right into the pond. Also in the beginning She is looking forward to the party so much but after a a couple seconds she hates it. In my opinion it would be better if you told how she gradually came to have an awful time at the party i think that was to short.

Also in the 7th paragraph (counting the one sentence paragraph) you have a line that say "She didn’t have to there". Just put the "be" in.

I Really liked reading this thought im looking forward to the next parts. Keep it up

There was a tugging and a grunt as the laces of Suzanna’s corset were tightened.

She was the most beautiful 16 year-old in her whole county. Her long blonde hair reached down her pasty white back and her deep hazel eyes sparkled with dignity and self-known importance. Her dainty hands were gentle and strong all at the same time. Her small feet always assured that she would never out grow her fashionable laced slippers. But her most recognizeable feature was her beauty. It seemed fragile, yet it never faded, no matter her mood. Her sqare jaw and pointed chin excetuated her high cheek-bones.

Her 16 years ad taught her to have a sharp, ravenous eye for men of probable, marrying material, and today was her family’s party and she was ready to look for a man.

This day was going to change her life, and she knew it.

Suzanna elegantly made her way down the winding staircase of her ample house, tossing the loose hair out of her face.

She knew her blue silk dress with the low neck-line made her attractive, but she didn’t want to be at the party.

Her parents had invited a twenty-eight year old man to the party and ordered her to be ‘nice and lady-like.’ Yeah right! She had no interest in this import, straight from Paris.

He owned the biggest art galarries in old Paris and had so much money that he could have bought the entire South. But to her, he sounded just like another foreign stiff.

After an hour, Suzanna got bored with the music, the decorations, the loud men, and the food. Who wanted ice cream anyways? Surely not her. She sighed as she sat on a stone bench under one of the large oaks that lined the backyard of her mansion. Not only had the French man showed up, but he was just dredful! He approached her with his incredibly large nose in the air but when she held her hand out for him to kiss, he swatted it away and demanded to know where the drinks were. Just what would be expected of a French man in 1875!

Just then, an idea dawned on her. She didn’t have to there. So she quielty slipped into the woods behind her house. She found an old riding path and followed it for a while, looking behind her every so often to make sure no one had followed her. After a while she came upon a pool made by a small trickling waterfall. It wasn’t more than 7 feet deep and she had learned to swim from the many times she had been pushed into this same pool when walking with her sisters. She knew where every stone was in this body of water. She hung her shawl on a branch to hide her while she slipped off her dress and dove into the cold water. Her body quickly got accustomed to the temperature. She popped her head above the surface of the water and pulled out her hair clips and tossed them beside her white laced slippers.