nevermind...anyone know how to delete these?
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I have to agree with Blink here, I have no idea what purpose this is serving. It's not really a poem...so I'm not sure what it is.
I don't think it shows any meaning or anything, unless to this Kim person. If you are trying to write a poem about them or to them try and make it more detailed, more...poetic??
And yup you need to review pieces of work before you post anything else of your own (two pieces for each piece you post)
Meevs
Aside from changing...
... to a capital I, I don't know what there is to say.
What exactly are you trying to show here? I don't know. It seems to me like redundant poetry except there's no real purpose to it. I cannot relate--in fact, I don't understand what this is about. Sure, you have an order of love (a nice idea) but there's little to consider when reading.
This rhythm breaks it a little. I would get rid of the 'first' here, since it is the last of the repetition and gets rid of a syllable.
I reckon a couple of lines to depict the sentence, and also bring out more character after each could this into a sweet poem. Having said that, I'm not sure of what else to say--please PM me with any questions.
-Mark
PS: YWS asks that you do at least two reviews per submission you make, you know, give back to the community? If you would like to know what a review is, or what to include in one, just send me a message!