Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here for a review.
This was a really intriguing piece. It needs some work, but nothing serious. It wasn't like any other vampire short I've read on here, so that's good. It's not very long and we don't know much about the characters, but I think that works well in this case—it kind of shrouds this short in an aura of mystery and intrigue, if that makes sense.
Choice of wording was nice, nothing too over-the-top. There's a pretty lovely narrative voice, too, so major props for that.
From a critical standpoint, I have a few qualms. For one thing, PARAGRAPH BREAKS. (The fact that I just wrote that in all caps tells you how serious I am.) You need several, even if this is a short piece.
I'll you an example. When a character finishes speaking, before rushing into the next bit of dialogue, you must ALWAYS put in a paragraph break. Otherwise, you'll have back-to-back dialogue and back-to-back quotation marks, which just looks ugly (case in point: "Thanks for the Chinese food!" "No problem!" - see how awful that looks?).
Also, you have some run-on sentences. Okay, a lot of run-on sentences. This can be easily remedied by replacing some of those annoying commas for periods. Oh, and don't worry—run-ons and comma over-usage is extremely common. My mom's a rabid comma-user (I actually can't remember the last time I saw her use a period, lol). So it's no big deal, but it is something you may want to try and work on, yes?
Nitpicks:
He's coming closer and closer, soon I'll be gone, his sharp fangs passionately in my neck, killing me each blood cell gone.
This doesn't make much sense or sound right. Like, at all. A possible rephrase:
'He's coming closer and closer. Soon, I'll be devoured, his sharp fangs passionately in my neck . . . killing me, drinking me.'
Somehow, I still love him, I love his everything, his passionate romance, his handsome face, even his fangs, I can't help myself.
Change the comma following "fangs" to either a semicolon or a period.
It's that look, and I, Katherine Fisher, love that look.
Stating the MC's name here seems rather unnecessary and clunky. I think it works better leaving it out. We find out her name only a few sentences later, when her lover or whoever says it, so adding this in really isn't important and kind of takes away from the flow of the piece.
"My god, Katherine, I can't say anything, I can't hurt you, but I will ask you this, will you marry me?"
This is a run-on. Also, the G in "God" is traditionally capitalized. Possible rephrase:
'"My God, Katherine, I—I can't say anything. I can't possibly hurt you, not ever. Instead, I will ask you this . . . would you marry me?"'
I changed this up a bit in a few places to give it a more dramatic feel. This is a stylistic choice and you're welcome to ignore it, but I think it adds a bit to the piece, no?
Okay! Nitpicks out of the way, I did really enjoy this. I want to find out more. Maybe you could extend it into a novel someday? With the same characters and everything? I'd definitely like to read that.
Keep writing!
Points: 17243
Reviews: 328
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