"Help!" I scream as he comes near me. He's coming closer and closer, soon I'll be gone, his sharp fangs passionately in my neck, killing me each blood cell gone. Somehow, I still love him, I love his everything, his passionate romance, his handsome face, even his fangs, I can't help myself. He's reading my thoughts. "No stopping me now, sweetheart. After all, you do love me." God, he's smirking at me. "I bet your little neck tastes like heaven." "Well, you do make me feel like I'm in it." What am I saying? I did not mean to say that. He's giving me those eyes too. That look any woman can fall for, the look where you just want to grab his pretty little face and kiss those lips, and kiss his fangs. It's that look, and I, Katherine Fisher, love that look. He comes closer to me, and he grabs my cheeks and just strokes them. Causing them to be filled with love, causing me to love him more, and more. Then he reaches down, and kisses me, right on the lips, passionately. "My god, Katherine, I can't say anything, I can't hurt you, but I will ask you this, will you marry me?"
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here for a review.
This was a really intriguing piece. It needs some work, but nothing serious. It wasn't like any other vampire short I've read on here, so that's good. It's not very long and we don't know much about the characters, but I think that works well in this case—it kind of shrouds this short in an aura of mystery and intrigue, if that makes sense.
Choice of wording was nice, nothing too over-the-top. There's a pretty lovely narrative voice, too, so major props for that.
From a critical standpoint, I have a few qualms. For one thing, PARAGRAPH BREAKS. (The fact that I just wrote that in all caps tells you how serious I am.) You need several, even if this is a short piece.
I'll you an example. When a character finishes speaking, before rushing into the next bit of dialogue, you must ALWAYS put in a paragraph break. Otherwise, you'll have back-to-back dialogue and back-to-back quotation marks, which just looks ugly (case in point: "Thanks for the Chinese food!" "No problem!" - see how awful that looks?).
Also, you have some run-on sentences. Okay, a lot of run-on sentences. This can be easily remedied by replacing some of those annoying commas for periods. Oh, and don't worry—run-ons and comma over-usage is extremely common. My mom's a rabid comma-user (I actually can't remember the last time I saw her use a period, lol). So it's no big deal, but it is something you may want to try and work on, yes?
Nitpicks:
This doesn't make much sense or sound right. Like, at all. A possible rephrase:
'He's coming closer and closer. Soon, I'll be devoured, his sharp fangs passionately in my neck . . . killing me, drinking me.'
Change the comma following "fangs" to either a semicolon or a period.
Stating the MC's name here seems rather unnecessary and clunky. I think it works better leaving it out. We find out her name only a few sentences later, when her lover or whoever says it, so adding this in really isn't important and kind of takes away from the flow of the piece.
This is a run-on. Also, the G in "God" is traditionally capitalized. Possible rephrase:
'"My God, Katherine, I—I can't say anything. I can't possibly hurt you, not ever. Instead, I will ask you this . . . would you marry me?"'
I changed this up a bit in a few places to give it a more dramatic feel. This is a stylistic choice and you're welcome to ignore it, but I think it adds a bit to the piece, no?
Okay! Nitpicks out of the way, I did really enjoy this. I want to find out more. Maybe you could extend it into a novel someday? With the same characters and everything? I'd definitely like to read that.
Keep writing!
Hey, great story.
Good job!
Ok, so there are a few places where you could improve a little.
First, how about some spaces and indentions? It looks all tight and compact. The story can seem like it's rushing all of a sudden. Separating sentences into paragraphs can pace the writing nicely.
Also, add more descriptions and show the setting. Where is this taking place? When I read that first line, I don't know what's happening- if you're running to get away, or if you've helplessly collapsed on the ground.
Make sure you're not repeating yourself, or it could look abundant and boring. Like the sentence:
"Causing them to be filled with love, causing me to love him more, and more."
Add vivid descriptions. What does his face look like? How intense are his eyes looking at you?
Finally, check your grammar and word choice.
"It's that look, and I, Katherine Fisher, love that look."
maybe this should be: It's that look that I, Katherie Fisher, loves.
Anyways, nice powerful romantic story
Off you kept going with this it would make an interesting story. The way their relationship is described makes me want to understand their backstory more. I want to know how they met, I want to know them more as characters. Like how they react to certain things and their past. Give your characters some sort of dimension.
There are a few things that are grammatically incorrect, like not having a new paragraph when a different person talks. This is my biggest pet peeve, mostly because I feel like it is almost rude to not give the other major character his own space and seep reaction from the main one. And I think that was the biggest mistake I could find.
Again, you should totally keep going with this and if you do, remember to have fun with it.