Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Depressed to kill

by alexeykolbekhin


INT. COMMON CORRIDOR - NIGHT

The darkness is only broken by the flickering red light of a fire alarm button. The door opens slightly and a thin beam of light cuts through the darkness. A STRANGER is behind it, peering through the crack at something beyond. The only visible feature is their piercing eye.

ANOTHER DOOR opens, another beam penetrates the darkness. At the same moment, the first door closes, and the second door opens wide, revealing a YOUNG GIRL in her early twenties, with curly hair and a cautious yet harmless expression. The motion-activated light floods the area. The Girl enters the first door.

INT. ELEVATOR VESTIBULE - CONTINUE

The girl halts in front of the elevator doors and presses the call button. The STRANGER observes her unseen, from around the corner. As the doors open, she steps inside.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

The girl presses the button for the ground floor and waits as the elevator descends. The numbers on the screen tick down, 5-4-3, and then the elevator comes to a sudden stop. The doors slide open to reveal a STRANGER, standing before her in a long, dark coat. Their hair covers almost their entire face, save for a pair of brightly colored magenta lips. The stranger steps inside, the doors sliding shut behind them.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

As the numbers on the elevator screen continue to tick down, the stranger's hand moves, revealing a gleaming knife concealed beneath their coat.

THE GIRL

Please don't…

EXT. GROUND FLOOR - CONTINUE

The elevator doors slide open. The girl is confronted by a stranger holding a knife, ready to strike. She stares at him in terror. The phone begins to ring. The doors close again, trapping them both inside the elevator as the ringing continues.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

The stranger seems to be struggling to maintain control, their hand shaking as they hold the knife uncertainty. The two stand facing each other with bewildered looks, both appearing to be unsure of their next move. The suspense decreases with each passing moment. It becomes a comedy now.

EXT. GROUND FLOOR - CONTINUE

The elevator doors open again, and both the girl and the stranger turn their attention towards the exit. The stranger takes off running, the phone ! ringing in his pocket moving further away with him.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING - CONTINUE

The stranger runs.

INT. STRANGERS ROOM - CONTINUE

The tranquility of the dimly-lit room is suddenly disturbed by the sound of the door being thrown open with force. A stranger enters, moving quickly to grab a pack of napkins from the table before darting towards the mirror. As they shed their disguised clothing on the way, the camera follows their desperate movements until it reaches the mirror. When the stranger turns to face their reflection, we see that it is Jack, a 19-year-old with a short haircut. Jack frantically scrubs at their painted magenta lips, trying to remove the bright color.



Finally, with the lips now clean, Jack appears as a humble boy. He makes his way to the phone, putting away his disguise in the cupboard before taking a seat on the bed, preparing to answer a video call from his MOTHER.


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6 Reviews


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Sat Jan 14, 2023 5:04 am
White123 wrote a review...



Hello,here is the review


In the first the beginning is just like a horror scene. But at the end you write that it becomes a comedy now. How this become comedy. Your writing style is good but you don't clear something like who is jack and why he is doing this. If this is comedy why girl is sacred of jack

The stranger seems to be struggling to maintain control, their hand shaking as they hold the knife uncertainty. The two stand facing each other with bewildered looks, both appearing to be unsure of their next move. The suspense decreases with each passing moment. It becomes a comedy now.


This paragraph reflect that their is two strangers. But at the end their is only one stranger. If the stranger didn't want to harm the girl then why he do all these things from which the girl became sacred.




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Fri Jan 13, 2023 5:47 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a lovely little skit of sorts here and I think you've done a really nice job of things here. It sets up the sort of generic horror movie scenario really well and that twist is really quite nicely placed and very effective there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

INT. COMMON CORRIDOR - NIGHT

The darkness is only broken by the flickering red light of a fire alarm button. The door opens slightly and a thin beam of light cuts through the darkness. A STRANGER is behind it, peering through the crack at something beyond. The only visible feature is their piercing eye.

ANOTHER DOOR opens, another beam penetrates the darkness. At the same moment, the first door closes, and the second door opens wide, revealing a YOUNG GIRL in her early twenties, with curly hair and a cautious yet harmless expression. The motion-activated light floods the area. The Girl enters the first door.


Well this is a lovely place to start here. We're definitely getting into those horror vibes quite early and quite strongly with this one. I love the vibes that we're getting at the moment. I think the scene is being set nicely in this scene here and it definitely seems to build some nice anticipation there.

INT. ELEVATOR VESTIBULE - CONTINUE

The girl halts in front of the elevator doors and presses the call button. The STRANGER observes her unseen, from around the corner. As the doors open, she steps inside.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

The girl presses the button for the ground floor and waits as the elevator descends. The numbers on the screen tick down, 5-4-3, and then the elevator comes to a sudden stop. The doors slide open to reveal a STRANGER, standing before her in a long, dark coat. Their hair covers almost their entire face, save for a pair of brightly colored magenta lips. The stranger steps inside, the doors sliding shut behind them.


OOooh love the way you're setting this up here. It looks set to be a wonderful little bit of anticipation there as we all wait with bated breath to see what this stranger does. I think you do a great job showcasing the girl is having a pretty normal day not at all expecting the horror waiting for her.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

As the numbers on the elevator screen continue to tick down, the stranger's hand moves, revealing a gleaming knife concealed beneath their coat.

THE GIRL

Please don't…

EXT. GROUND FLOOR - CONTINUE

The elevator doors slide open. The girl is confronted by a stranger holding a knife, ready to strike. She stares at him in terror. The phone begins to ring. The doors close again, trapping them both inside the elevator as the ringing continues.


Ahhh well that's going as well as most horror stories of this nature tend to go there. I think you're building this up really nicely here. The sudden moment of chaos there is also interesting, complicating this whole situation definitely adds nicely to the general mystery of it all here.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

The stranger seems to be struggling to maintain control, their hand shaking as they hold the knife uncertainty. The two stand facing each other with bewildered looks, both appearing to be unsure of their next move. The suspense decreases with each passing moment. It becomes a comedy now.

EXT. GROUND FLOOR - CONTINUE

The elevator doors open again, and both the girl and the stranger turn their attention towards the exit. The stranger takes off running, the phone ! ringing in his pocket moving further away with him.


Oooh well that is quite the twist. Given quite how much we were building up the horror aspect I did not expect that to happen. Its a good twist though, I think it catches us all nicely off guard and deviates from the more cliché way of things and that's always a plus because it makes things more unique and fun.

The tranquility of the dimly-lit room is suddenly disturbed by the sound of the door being thrown open with force. A stranger enters, moving quickly to grab a pack of napkins from the table before darting towards the mirror. As they shed their disguised clothing on the way, the camera follows their desperate movements until it reaches the mirror. When the stranger turns to face their reflection, we see that it is Jack, a 19-year-old with a short haircut. Jack frantically scrubs at their painted magenta lips, trying to remove the bright color.

Finally, with the lips now clean, Jack appears as a humble boy. He makes his way to the phone, putting away his disguise in the cupboard before taking a seat on the bed, preparing to answer a video call from his MOTHER.


Well that certainly would be a hilarious ending there. That's quite the journey to end up taking right there. I love the massive turn in the mood that you manage to create and I think it really manages to heat the peak of hilarity there to end on.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this was a lovely little piece. I think it brings a nice little laugh here and its a fun new way to play with that traditional horror there. I think I would certainly enjoy watching this.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate



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I really appreciate your detailed and uplifting review! You made my day better! thank you :)



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Fri Jan 13, 2023 4:03 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello, here to review!

I'm not quite sure what is happening here. Is this the full story or a scene from something bigger?

'INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

As the numbers on the elevator screen continue to tick down, the stranger's hand moves, revealing a gleaming knife concealed beneath their coat.

THE GIRL

Please don't…

EXT. GROUND FLOOR - CONTINUE

The elevator doors slide open. The girl is confronted by a stranger holding a knife, ready to strike. She stares at him in terror. The phone begins to ring.'

I was a little confused by this part because it sounded like there was two strangers, one in the elevator and one that appears when the door opens. Also saying 'the phone' instead of 'the stranger's phone' is jarring because we don't know whose it is.

'It becomes a comedy now.' - how? Why does it become a comedy now? What is funny someone holding a knife? It seems the girl is scared by the 'Please don't.'

I can only assume this is part of a bigger piece because this explains nothing. Who's the girl? Who's Jack? Why was he in disguise? Was the girl his target? If she is, why didn't he do anything? If she isn't, who is?



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Thank you very much for the direct review. I will take to consideration what you said and rewrite some parts. First it's a full story and I regret it felt incomplete. I have a few ideas how to fix that. There's only one 'stranger' I will make it more clear. And about 'it becomes a comedy now' for me the situation felt ironic. And finally I will add some background to the characters story.



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Fri Jan 13, 2023 1:33 pm
alexeykolbekhin says...






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Fri Jan 13, 2023 1:33 pm
alexeykolbekhin says...






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Fri Jan 13, 2023 1:33 pm
alexeykolbekhin says...







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