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Depressed to kill

by alexeykolbekhin


INT. COMMON CORRIDOR - NIGHT

The darkness is only broken by the flickering red light of a fire alarm button. The door opens slightly and a thin beam of light cuts through the darkness. A STRANGER is behind it, peering through the crack at something beyond. The only visible feature is their piercing eye.

ANOTHER DOOR opens, another beam penetrates the darkness. At the same moment, the first door closes, and the second door opens wide, revealing a YOUNG GIRL in her early twenties, with curly hair and a cautious yet harmless expression. The motion-activated light floods the area. The Girl enters the first door.

INT. ELEVATOR VESTIBULE - CONTINUE

The girl halts in front of the elevator doors and presses the call button. The STRANGER observes her unseen, from around the corner. As the doors open, she steps inside.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

The girl presses the button for the ground floor and waits as the elevator descends. The numbers on the screen tick down, 5-4-3, and then the elevator comes to a sudden stop. The doors slide open to reveal a STRANGER, standing before her in a long, dark coat. Their hair covers almost their entire face, save for a pair of brightly colored magenta lips. The stranger steps inside, the doors sliding shut behind them.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

As the numbers on the elevator screen continue to tick down, the stranger's hand moves, revealing a gleaming knife concealed beneath their coat.

THE GIRL

Please don't…

EXT. GROUND FLOOR - CONTINUE

The elevator doors slide open. The girl is confronted by a stranger holding a knife, ready to strike. She stares at him in terror. The phone begins to ring. The doors close again, trapping them both inside the elevator as the ringing continues.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

The stranger seems to be struggling to maintain control, their hand shaking as they hold the knife uncertainty. The two stand facing each other with bewildered looks, both appearing to be unsure of their next move. The suspense decreases with each passing moment. It becomes a comedy now.

EXT. GROUND FLOOR - CONTINUE

The elevator doors open again, and both the girl and the stranger turn their attention towards the exit. The stranger takes off running, the phone ! ringing in his pocket moving further away with him.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE BUILDING - CONTINUE

The stranger runs.

INT. STRANGERS ROOM - CONTINUE

The tranquility of the dimly-lit room is suddenly disturbed by the sound of the door being thrown open with force. A stranger enters, moving quickly to grab a pack of napkins from the table before darting towards the mirror. As they shed their disguised clothing on the way, the camera follows their desperate movements until it reaches the mirror. When the stranger turns to face their reflection, we see that it is Jack, a 19-year-old with a short haircut. Jack frantically scrubs at their painted magenta lips, trying to remove the bright color.



Finally, with the lips now clean, Jack appears as a humble boy. He makes his way to the phone, putting away his disguise in the cupboard before taking a seat on the bed, preparing to answer a video call from his MOTHER.


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Mon Feb 12, 2024 11:07 pm
MMV wrote a review...



Okay so this helped relieve the mood of the scene. I like gore, but it helps that girl ran off with her life.

Even killers have rainy days. If this was expanded, you'd at least have an angle for other characters to look to.

And this:

"Finally, with the lips now clean, Jack appears as a humble boy. He makes his way to the phone, putting away his disguise in the cupboard before taking a seat on the bed, preparing to answer a video call from his MOTHER."

You gave warmth to this character because he doesn't sound as completely disassociated as just a man with heinous intentions. Does lead to questions to how he became who he is. To be honest, don't know if he's suicidal as much he is homicidal.




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Thu Sep 28, 2023 1:27 pm
Kz wrote a review...



AHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh okay I need to start of by saying that. I love to review horror and I am obsesseddddd with this.

"The suspense decreases with each passing moment. It becomes a comedy now." YES. YES. YES. Okay this is what I like to see. YES YES YES. Keep things like this in all of your works if possible. This is something unique that I do not see often and I'd love to see more of! <3

I don't think you need ALL these words in this paragraph. "darting, suddenly, quickly, desperate"

I love the camera part, it is extremely creative to include where the screen would view.

Very last line you said "MOTHER" in all caps, unnecessary.

Good morning/ afternoon/ evening/ night to wherever you are!!

A quote I picked for youuuu:
“I'm writing my story so that others might see fragments of themselves.”

And of course, take what you need, leave what you don't :D

Best wishes!!
Kenna999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999f




Kz says...


oh my goodness sorry about all the "9" and the "f" !! I don't know what happened! I also wasn't done but it sent



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Tue Sep 05, 2023 10:57 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey there alexeykolbekhin! Icy here for a review in honour of RevMo (review month).

This is a very different piece to what I usually read on this site. I'm both intrigued and excited to read it. So, let's get straight into the review!

Firstly, I think the structure of this was so interesting. The fact that each scene is super short, with only a few lines before we flick over to the next shot works really well, and I can imagine it working equally well if it were to be performed.

The shift to comedy for me was interesting to me, but this is where it became harder to follow for me. It didn't quite fit the scene, but I think a lot of that is because I don't understand what happened next. The stranger (Jack) turns to run away but I can't work out why, and why he was wearing the disguise. I can appreciate a comedic element of them both unsure what to do, but that doesn't really justify a comedy shift for me.

I think the beginning of this is really strong, but perhaps the ending needs a bit more thought. What are you trying to achieve/what story are you trying to tell here. Often the strength of having a piece be so short can often be its biggest weakness too, as it's really hard to convey what's happening in a short script.

Overall this was interesting, and I'd be up for reading a revised version should you decide to post one!

Hope this helped.

Icy

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Sun Jan 29, 2023 8:54 pm
Thediffident wrote a review...



Hey @Thediffident here. I'll now be reviewing your piece ^-^

This was such an interesting piece! The language was simple and concise and the way you described the scene, the characters and their appearances made it extremely easy for me to visualise and experience the story. Great work!

I particularly loved how you put "STRANGER", "YOUNG GIRL" and "MOTHER" in caps to emphasize the characters currently present in the scene.
The line
"The doors slide open to reveal a STRANGER, standing before her in a long, dark coat."
has got to be one of my favourites since even though you added an 'a' before 'stranger', we know which character you're talking about because of the caps. Bravo!

The way you completely shifted genres from horror to comedy was truly phenomenal! I feel that it was pretty unique of you to do that since I haven't really seen writers pull it off. The way you actually managed to achieve it, that too in just a few simple lines is absolutely amazing!

Although this piece was great, I do have a few suggestions. The story was good but in some parts I felt as if I couldn't understand Jack's actions and his thought process. So, it would be great if you can maybe work on explaining his character a little more. I would love to know more about the girl as well and it would be great if you can try working on her character too.

Other than that I really loved this piece. It was truly a fun and exciting read! I can't wait to read more of your work :)

(P.S. Please keep in mind that my suggestions are just what I think will make this piece better and feel free to not use them if you feel like they won't work. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions about this review or would like another one.)
Love, Andy.




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Sat Jan 14, 2023 5:04 am
White123 wrote a review...



Hello,here is the review


In the first the beginning is just like a horror scene. But at the end you write that it becomes a comedy now. How this become comedy. Your writing style is good but you don't clear something like who is jack and why he is doing this. If this is comedy why girl is sacred of jack

The stranger seems to be struggling to maintain control, their hand shaking as they hold the knife uncertainty. The two stand facing each other with bewildered looks, both appearing to be unsure of their next move. The suspense decreases with each passing moment. It becomes a comedy now.


This paragraph reflect that their is two strangers. But at the end their is only one stranger. If the stranger didn't want to harm the girl then why he do all these things from which the girl became sacred.




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Fri Jan 13, 2023 5:47 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a lovely little skit of sorts here and I think you've done a really nice job of things here. It sets up the sort of generic horror movie scenario really well and that twist is really quite nicely placed and very effective there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

INT. COMMON CORRIDOR - NIGHT

The darkness is only broken by the flickering red light of a fire alarm button. The door opens slightly and a thin beam of light cuts through the darkness. A STRANGER is behind it, peering through the crack at something beyond. The only visible feature is their piercing eye.

ANOTHER DOOR opens, another beam penetrates the darkness. At the same moment, the first door closes, and the second door opens wide, revealing a YOUNG GIRL in her early twenties, with curly hair and a cautious yet harmless expression. The motion-activated light floods the area. The Girl enters the first door.


Well this is a lovely place to start here. We're definitely getting into those horror vibes quite early and quite strongly with this one. I love the vibes that we're getting at the moment. I think the scene is being set nicely in this scene here and it definitely seems to build some nice anticipation there.

INT. ELEVATOR VESTIBULE - CONTINUE

The girl halts in front of the elevator doors and presses the call button. The STRANGER observes her unseen, from around the corner. As the doors open, she steps inside.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

The girl presses the button for the ground floor and waits as the elevator descends. The numbers on the screen tick down, 5-4-3, and then the elevator comes to a sudden stop. The doors slide open to reveal a STRANGER, standing before her in a long, dark coat. Their hair covers almost their entire face, save for a pair of brightly colored magenta lips. The stranger steps inside, the doors sliding shut behind them.


OOooh love the way you're setting this up here. It looks set to be a wonderful little bit of anticipation there as we all wait with bated breath to see what this stranger does. I think you do a great job showcasing the girl is having a pretty normal day not at all expecting the horror waiting for her.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

As the numbers on the elevator screen continue to tick down, the stranger's hand moves, revealing a gleaming knife concealed beneath their coat.

THE GIRL

Please don't…

EXT. GROUND FLOOR - CONTINUE

The elevator doors slide open. The girl is confronted by a stranger holding a knife, ready to strike. She stares at him in terror. The phone begins to ring. The doors close again, trapping them both inside the elevator as the ringing continues.


Ahhh well that's going as well as most horror stories of this nature tend to go there. I think you're building this up really nicely here. The sudden moment of chaos there is also interesting, complicating this whole situation definitely adds nicely to the general mystery of it all here.

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

The stranger seems to be struggling to maintain control, their hand shaking as they hold the knife uncertainty. The two stand facing each other with bewildered looks, both appearing to be unsure of their next move. The suspense decreases with each passing moment. It becomes a comedy now.

EXT. GROUND FLOOR - CONTINUE

The elevator doors open again, and both the girl and the stranger turn their attention towards the exit. The stranger takes off running, the phone ! ringing in his pocket moving further away with him.


Oooh well that is quite the twist. Given quite how much we were building up the horror aspect I did not expect that to happen. Its a good twist though, I think it catches us all nicely off guard and deviates from the more cliché way of things and that's always a plus because it makes things more unique and fun.

The tranquility of the dimly-lit room is suddenly disturbed by the sound of the door being thrown open with force. A stranger enters, moving quickly to grab a pack of napkins from the table before darting towards the mirror. As they shed their disguised clothing on the way, the camera follows their desperate movements until it reaches the mirror. When the stranger turns to face their reflection, we see that it is Jack, a 19-year-old with a short haircut. Jack frantically scrubs at their painted magenta lips, trying to remove the bright color.

Finally, with the lips now clean, Jack appears as a humble boy. He makes his way to the phone, putting away his disguise in the cupboard before taking a seat on the bed, preparing to answer a video call from his MOTHER.


Well that certainly would be a hilarious ending there. That's quite the journey to end up taking right there. I love the massive turn in the mood that you manage to create and I think it really manages to heat the peak of hilarity there to end on.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this was a lovely little piece. I think it brings a nice little laugh here and its a fun new way to play with that traditional horror there. I think I would certainly enjoy watching this.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate



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alexeykolbekhin says...


I really appreciate your detailed and uplifting review! You made my day better! thank you :)



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Fri Jan 13, 2023 4:03 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello, here to review!

I'm not quite sure what is happening here. Is this the full story or a scene from something bigger?

'INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUE

As the numbers on the elevator screen continue to tick down, the stranger's hand moves, revealing a gleaming knife concealed beneath their coat.

THE GIRL

Please don't…

EXT. GROUND FLOOR - CONTINUE

The elevator doors slide open. The girl is confronted by a stranger holding a knife, ready to strike. She stares at him in terror. The phone begins to ring.'

I was a little confused by this part because it sounded like there was two strangers, one in the elevator and one that appears when the door opens. Also saying 'the phone' instead of 'the stranger's phone' is jarring because we don't know whose it is.

'It becomes a comedy now.' - how? Why does it become a comedy now? What is funny someone holding a knife? It seems the girl is scared by the 'Please don't.'

I can only assume this is part of a bigger piece because this explains nothing. Who's the girl? Who's Jack? Why was he in disguise? Was the girl his target? If she is, why didn't he do anything? If she isn't, who is?



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alexeykolbekhin says...


Thank you very much for the direct review. I will take to consideration what you said and rewrite some parts. First it's a full story and I regret it felt incomplete. I have a few ideas how to fix that. There's only one 'stranger' I will make it more clear. And about 'it becomes a comedy now' for me the situation felt ironic. And finally I will add some background to the characters story.



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Fri Jan 13, 2023 1:33 pm
alexeykolbekhin says...






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Fri Jan 13, 2023 1:33 pm
alexeykolbekhin says...






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Fri Jan 13, 2023 1:33 pm
alexeykolbekhin says...







“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables