Published January 13, 2011
The dinner table is silent,
only the clinging of silverware.
After his third shot of whisky,
he starts about school.
He asks me what I chose
in the same ways he asks me
if I really like tennis.
I explain
that my career is steady now,
going uphill,
successful.
He says that can change
at the next tournament.
The tears are creeping
and I listlessly say I’m full.
Now I sit at my desk,
writing,
hoping,
that the blurry words I hear
coming from him
aren’t about the hell
he has made my life.
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138,662 Literary Works • 672,197 Reviews
It was good but could have been better...
If you read it loud it seems very dull...
It does not a good flow either...
Keep writing and you will get good at it...
PM me for anything...
Oh lord. Oh lord. The painful phenomenon which is called the NEW MEMBER. Oh lord.
Put something here
So lets concentrate on one thing right now. Your flow. To be blunt - its a fail. You are going for the normal and semi-cliched abrupt starts as in
Spoiler
Then something dramatic
Abrupt dramatic word
Etc.etc.etc.
Am I right? WELL, this can be used very well, and it can be used terribly. Im sorry to say, but It is the later.
Work on your flow and rhythm and it should be fine. It is actually a decent IDEA if you read it, but it is ruined by the failed rhythm. What you shoud do, is you should make a beat with your hands (like clap clap clap clap). If it stays mostly on beat, it probably has decent rhythm and flow.
-WU