Queen of broken hearts

alex wrote:Queen of Broken Hearts


So honestly, you had the cruelist of intentions Reconsider beginning your poem like this, the forst two words are redundant
not to mention the worse of methods,to get what you want "worst of methods", if anything
so look back at her,and youll see,a shadow of what she once was,
stabed in the back by your love, knocked down by your right hand,
blood dripping from her nose to her chest,wearing her blood soaked dress
she says you best invest in a bullet proof vest,cause im gonna, murder you,
ill see you in your dreams,and ill make you scream, ill see you to hell.

OK, what the hell happened to correct spelling? Go back and fix those stupid mistakes, capitalise your "I"s, and don't post something like this again. I'm not going to do that for you.

The blindfold she wore is gone,she loosens the noose around her neck,
shell no longer stand as a pawn, cause shes the queen of broken hearts,
she thought you were her prince charming, what she found was alarming
you throwing darts at her heart,they hit their mark,she falls apart,
and vows never again to be the Queen....the queen of broken hearts.

Work on your line breaks, they're atrocious. Both here and in the first stanza. It's as if you hit the enter key randomly, whenever you feel like it... Not to mention the rhyming - OK, so you have it once in a while, but maybe rhyme in a more organised way? Make the poem flow, not be squeezed into one bunch of incoherent words.

She says honestly, i had the best of intentions,
not to metion the best of methods, to give you what you want
look back towards me and youll see a shadow of what once was me
brought down by your right hand,thousands of daggers stab my back,
left bruised and bloody,set in the corner like a huddled mess,
not knowing whats going through her mind, thinking she will find,
a way to murder you.

You need more imagery that's more vivid. Though what you have here isn't half bad, I must say.

She dreams of the day when someone will wipe her tears away,
smiles and says she doesnt deserve to be treated that way,
and to her dismay kisses her and takes her away to a place shed love to stay
but she never gets what she wants bc shes the Queen of broken hearts,
someone will always be around to rip apart her heart
so her knife digs down now, deeper and deeper, until she cant feel the ground,
as she takes one last look around she smiles and looses her frown.

Uh, I don't think you need to repeat the stabbing in the back thing quite so much - you do so in every stanza. Try some other imagery to differentiate this, zone in on more aspects of a broken heart.

The blindfold she wore is gone,she couldnt loosen the noose around her neck,
shell no longer stand as a pawn, cause shes the queen of broken hearts,
she thought you were her prince charming, what she found was alarming
you throwing darts at her heart,they hit their mark,she falls apart,
and vows never again to be the Queen....the queen of broken hearts.

1) Spelling! Check your work before you post it!

2) Line breaks. Go back, and think about them this time.

3) Less repetition with the imagery.

4) Consider using full stops once in a while throughout the stanza, not just at the end? that really would help the poem flow.

Overall, not too bad, but you do need to work on this quite a lot. Good luck with that, then!