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137,858 Literary Works • 672,070 Reviews
Harro, Wulf ^-^
First off, I like the way you mentioned her hair color, and then slid in the eye color as a side thought. If that makes sense at all lol
And also, on a larger note, I like the mentioning of her “brother” right at the star. It gives the story a flavour of interest.
If you’ve read books like “across the universe”, you’ll find that the narrator speaks like this: “I walk to the bed to lie next to him. He looks up at me, I wonder at the lonely contrast of his eyes. . . .”
And in “Twilight”, it’s more like this: “I walked to the bed to lie down next to him. He looked up at me suddenly, and I wondered at the lonely contrast in his eyes.”
That’s probably not the best way of explaining it. I just wanted to point out that, I thought you were writing like example num. 1, but then as I got this part:
Right here: I also really liked this particular part:
A wolf appears next to the girl, curling its tassel around her. The wolven lays its frame down on the lush lithosphere, protectively watching the girl. The wolven murrs towards the girl, watching for her reaction. The girl only stares at the pond and all of its wonders it offers.
And on a littler note, you may want to reword this:
And a few other parts.
One last thing, its a draft, so OF COURSE its going to be a little sketchy lol Work hard on this and it’ll be legend.
But hey, it’s a FIRST ROUGH DRAFT, right? It was really good for just that. Excellent in fact. I feel like I could really like the characters in this. And also, you have an air about your writing in this particular story. An almost, mystical, dark air. Lol How do I explain what I mean?
I love the theme, the air, you’ve woven into this story. Good job.
I’d love to read it after its been finished, too. ^-^
Hi there!
This isn't a sentence, since it's missing the verb -- maybe you want to combine it with the next sentence?
I think it should be oculars.
Tassel? Do you mean tail?
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I don't think "lithosphere" is the word you want to use here -- why not just say "ground" or something?
"Murr" is not a word. If you want to use "murr" as an onomatopoetic neologism, you can put it in italics or something. Otherwise say "growl" or something of the sort.
You change tenses many times in this paragraph: you jump for present to past and to present again. Please check the tenses!
For the rest of the text, I was honestly said quite confused, and therefore only skimmed the rest. Who are the boy and the girl and who is "I"? I think you might have a very clear vision of the story and the characters in your head, but you need to make it equally clear for the readers -- you can't expect us to know something you've never written down. Of course, there must always be some obscurities, but if you want your readers to carry on reading, you mustn't leave everything open.
Well, I hope you'll let me know if you have any questions!
Demeter
x
Hello there
So one thing I noticed when reading this is that you have a few grammar mistakes which can be avoided if you proofread your work. I honestly feel like for a first chapter, this was a little bland or dry. The approach you took is not bad, but it's not interesting either. I found my attention drifting every time while I was reading. I feel part of it is because of the tense you used. Things get very list-y at times; "I did this and I did that", especially during the last event. For a first chapter as well, I feel this is a little short and rushed. I feel you are revealing too much in this piece and I'm worried that there won't be anything left for the rest of the story. Hey, that's just me. I wish that there'd been some more suspense and gripping material; something that grabs my attention from the beginning so much so that I'd be curious to go on to the next chapter and so on. I was very disappointed with the first introductory paragraph because there was nothing gripping about it. Things were a little distant.
Away from the negatives, I do like your writing style. As much as this story is a little dry, I do appreciate the parts where you described things in such a subtle way. It set a very calming mood and I think it went well with the loneliness and the quiet pond you described at the beginning. That was good. I also like the plot, it sounds interesting and creative. I just feel your story needs a bit more of the gripping effect.
Anyway, I hope I could help.
Keep writing and goodluck
Its a little shakey, I just wrote this in like a few minutes. So please give me good reviews! Thanks!!