Today is the 3 week of spying on Nadia Ronan but today I am making progress I'll be bringing her to Yukiri banquet
You see I have been doing this for awhile now because her grandfather said exactly before he died his second daughter was to be married to the first son of the Yukiri household and the worst thing about this is that she doesn't even know I exist I well I'm a vampire and my powers make it easy to spy on her till the banquet and its today. I just watch every now and then to know her more but i got basically nothing I just know she likes anime and fictional men more than real ones and that she's a fat pig until yeah
So I take of her covers to wake her up but she wont wake up I make us invisible because if she wakes up she'll be really loud and when I do she isn't wearing a shirt and then I figured out I was a big liar to myself she her body was so how do I say just gives the mic to the Narrator well he dunks down blushing like crazy she wakes up so tired she gets up and lays upside down facing Ezra she looks at him obviously confused she falls on him she's about to panic but he tells her to not worry trying not to look at her beauty of a body he underestimated he looks at her telling himself his body count over and over again thinking that he could make her flustered and then e looks up and smiles at her saying Naomi you're gonna need to come with me they'll explain you everything she tells him that he's misunderstood and that she isn't Naomi and he picks her up like a sack of potato and says yeah you're mine
Chapter 1
Skinny potato
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,482 Literary Works • 674,515 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the morbid S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Ezra is a vampire stalking her because he is destined to marry her. He wants to learn more about her and he at first does not like her, but when he sees her up close, his undead heart leaps in his chest.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - The first chapter is not included in this. I’m not sure if it was meant to be included. If not, then you can ignore this.
Chocolate Bar - I like that the vampire is stalking Nadia-or is it Naomi? It shows that he’s always watching and that Ezra might have more plans for her. I also like that he actually gets flustered to see her and makes the narrator speak for him, it shows that Ezra might care for Naomi more.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a great first chapter to a story! I’ll be sure to check out more chapters when they are posted. I’m interested in learning more about how Ezra and Naomi are as characters and how their dynamic will be. Now with that being said…
I wish you a terrific day/night! ^v^
Hello there!! I’m here to give you a review on this short story <3
Firstly, this is quite a unique concept you have here! You’ve described a sort of romance in the description but this reads as very one-sided and creepy--layered, I like that.
You’ve also got some nice worldbuilding with the vampire-ness and the grandfather mentioned, and both of those elements are interesting.
My number one criticism is the lack of punctuation you have here. It’s all over the place, with run-on sentences galore. Separating your paragraphs into sentences makes the story more readable and understandable.
The last paragraph had potential with the twist, but fell flat for me. I wanted to hear more explanation and description, as well as punctuation.
To be honest, this story has a lot of cliches, and the entire time I wanted to hear the author’s take on them. Cliches are fine, but you should always try to bring a new perspective to them in the story. Vampires are a bit overplayed, too. I think you could have benefited from delving deeper into the stalker elements of the story, and fleshed those out.
For example, how has the narrator been spying? Why did her grandfather betroth her? Questions, questions.
It was interesting to read this! Keep writing <3
<3, chem