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18+ Language Mature Content

Why live?

by akanbright


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.



Our lives are ours to live

Our dreams are ours to dream

Our thoughts are ours to sleep over

Our missions are ours to accomplish
Our future are ours to see
But the shell we're in
Keeps us from seeing all of these
Whether now or in the future
On earth or space
Our lives belongs to us
And the right to live it as well
But take care how you live
Because all would oneday give an account


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Sat May 01, 2021 5:55 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hiya akan! I noticed your poem has been in the Green Room for a while so I thought I'd drop by with a quick little review for you c:

I love how hopeful and encouraging the tone and message of this poem is — it's definitely a message I think a lot of people can find hard to keep in mind at a time like right now, that "our lives belong to us", but a good message to remind ourselves of for sure!

I agree with some other reviewers that the repetition makes a nice opening, especially the opening two lines where you take a noun ("lives" or "dreams") and then match it with the corresponding verb ("live" or "dream")! I think it would be awesome if the next few lines follow that pattern (for example, instead of "Our thoughts are ours to sleep over" -> it would be "Our thoughts are ours to think", etc) — I feel like that will have a slightly cleaner, more impactful effect than just partial repetition.

Another thing I wanted to mention quickly is punctuation! Using punctuation can often help convey the flow and speed at which to read a poem; this YWS article gives a great in-depth explanation of the different way punctuation can be used in poetry, and I definitely suggest you give it a read! It's help me a lot with punctuating my own poetry ^^

Because all would oneday give an account
super tiny nitpick here -> "oneday" should be "one day" c:

I like how you incorporate a bit of imagery into the middle of the poem:
But the shell we're in
Keeps us from seeing all of these
Whether now or in the future
On earth or space
Our lives belongs to us

I love how it starts zoomed-in (on us, our "shells") and then zooms out to Earth as a whole and then outer space too. It feels a bit like those shots in movies that start normal and then zoom farther and farther out until the characters in the movie are just pinpricks, you know?

Overall I thought the message of this poem was very positive and lovely, and I enjoyed reading it! Thank you for sharing it, and I hope this review is useful — if you have any questions about anything I brought up feel free to let me know <3

Keep writing,

whatcha


p.s. I noticed you have this marked as 18+ for language and mature content — there isn't any swearing, violence, or explicit content, so that rating isn't actually necessary in this case. If you want to keep the rating, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with rating something higher than it needs to be; but if you'd like to get rid of that rating let me know and I can do that for you ^^




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Sat May 01, 2021 12:02 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi akanbright,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Reading it for the first time, it strikes me as if the poem is giving a bit of a message that we should be selfish, which is probably not the right interpretation. I think more, you're trying to give a moment of silence with this poem, where one thinks about how we're not there to sacrifice ourselves for everyone else if we don't get the same kind of sacrifice back.

I like the way you start the poem. I'm not sure if it's a mistake in the writing or if it's deliberately done that way, but because of the larger gaps between the first three lines, it gives the content of the poem a deeper meaning. Even though we want to live our lives and fulfil our dreams, there is a distance between us and others. This has been done very well.

But the shell we're in


This is a beautiful way of describing the spirit/soul and the shell of flesh and bone around us as a shell. This is visibly the highlight of the poem and also shows that we are more than this husk.

The poem becomes partly philosophical in the second half, giving you the freedom to live for yourself but without disturbing or even destroying someone else's life, which is probably expressed in your last line by giving the idiom "give an account". The second half seems a bit like the court of the dead and is meant to issue a kind of warning that we should be free on the one hand and yet not exploit this freedom too much.

In some places you could expand a bit and describe yourself more as some parts are a bit vague, but nonetheless it was a great poem with a very exciting and thought provoking message!

Mailice.




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Sat Apr 17, 2021 3:28 am
Beepbeepwomp says...



Great poem! Loved the repetition and message. The only thing I would suggest is perhaps the addition of some punctuation to make the intended flow of the poem a little clearer. I’m also a little confused by the last line. What is the “give and account” referring to?




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Mon Apr 12, 2021 7:41 am
KWN says...



hey good job its very good i like iti like how you say that the we're in covers our sight but i feel like the ending it kinda could be a little better just my opinion but its very good other than that




akanbright says...


Thank you




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