Hiya akan! I noticed your poem has been in the Green Room for a while so I thought I'd drop by with a quick little review for you c:
I love how hopeful and encouraging the tone and message of this poem is — it's definitely a message I think a lot of people can find hard to keep in mind at a time like right now, that "our lives belong to us", but a good message to remind ourselves of for sure!
I agree with some other reviewers that the repetition makes a nice opening, especially the opening two lines where you take a noun ("lives" or "dreams") and then match it with the corresponding verb ("live" or "dream")! I think it would be awesome if the next few lines follow that pattern (for example, instead of "Our thoughts are ours to sleep over" -> it would be "Our thoughts are ours to think", etc) — I feel like that will have a slightly cleaner, more impactful effect than just partial repetition.
Another thing I wanted to mention quickly is punctuation! Using punctuation can often help convey the flow and speed at which to read a poem; this YWS article gives a great in-depth explanation of the different way punctuation can be used in poetry, and I definitely suggest you give it a read! It's help me a lot with punctuating my own poetry ^^
super tiny nitpick here -> "oneday" should be "one day" c:Because all would oneday give an account
I like how you incorporate a bit of imagery into the middle of the poem:
But the shell we're in
Keeps us from seeing all of these
Whether now or in the future
On earth or space
Our lives belongs to us
I love how it starts zoomed-in (on us, our "shells") and then zooms out to Earth as a whole and then outer space too. It feels a bit like those shots in movies that start normal and then zoom farther and farther out until the characters in the movie are just pinpricks, you know?
Overall I thought the message of this poem was very positive and lovely, and I enjoyed reading it! Thank you for sharing it, and I hope this review is useful — if you have any questions about anything I brought up feel free to let me know <3
Keep writing,
whatcha
p.s. I noticed you have this marked as 18+ for language and mature content — there isn't any swearing, violence, or explicit content, so that rating isn't actually necessary in this case. If you want to keep the rating, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with rating something higher than it needs to be; but if you'd like to get rid of that rating let me know and I can do that for you ^^
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