The Murder
Chapter one
It was dawn and a tall, strong man, about 35 years old named Ching Mang was enjoying the beautiful scenery outside of his house. He was a scholar official and he loved his life even though being a scholar official was hard work and he passed all his tough exams with flying colors, especially the Scholar exam. Colorful birds, blue, red, green, and yellow were chirping in the bright sun of this beautiful fall day. He was in the golden age of the Han dynasty and he knew he was safe. It was 206 BC,Dogs were playing tag with each other. Since there were very few scholar officials locally he was high in power. The first emperor of china was in power,and everything was going perfect until he stepped outside of his luxurious house. He took a yawn and stretched when he heard a deep voice say”,Enjoy one more breath, It will be your last”. Then all Ching Mang could hear was gunfire, all he could feel was bullets going through him like needles through weak silk.Every bullet hurt more and more and as he fell to the ground, all he could manage to say through his body of bullets was “avenge me, Chong Kong!!!” Chong Kong was Ching Mang’s brother and his only brother also. He lived three kilometers away from Ching Mang’s house and while he was meditating, because he followed Buddhism , he heard a knock on his door. He stopped his meditation and asked the messenger why he had came and the messenger said he had some bad news.
Chapter 2
He told Chong Kong what had happened and then Chong Kong asked what the murderer had looked like. He said all he knew was that he only had one outfit which was a beautiful silk robe which meant that he had to live in Hing-Lo because only the rich wore silk robes and all the rich were located in Hing-Lo.The messenger knew this because Ching Mang’s neighbour told him this. First he felt a sadness, a sadness that he had never felt before something deep inside his body aching and realizing the reality, that he will never see this so dearly loved person again…ever. Then his emotion turned to a burning anger something so fierce, so… powerful that it could just burst out of his body.
Chapter three
After two years of hard research Chong Kong figured out everything he could about the murder, who had done it, where he lived, and a plan to kill him without being discovered. He figured out that someone had killed His brother because he did not pay his taxes and you are killed if you don't pay your taxes.If he was discovered then he would be whipped in public and put in a box for the public to mock. He figured out that his name was Fu-Ting, and that he lived in Hing-Po which was a neighbouring city of Hing-Lo. He asked around to other criminals and he figured out his address also and he decided the best way to get hold of him was to walk to his house witha Nu which is an chinese crossbow. The Nu was a semi-automatic crossbow invented by the Chinese. It comprises a feeder on top and a lever near the end for repeating action. Skilled crossbowmen could launch 10 bolts in 15 seconds before before exhausting the magazine. Chong Kong could not imagine what was going to happen next.
Chapter Four
Chong Kong snuck in the back door of Fu-Ting;’s house and heard a voice that matches Fu-Ting’s description upstairs. He snuck upstairs and peeked into the room where Fu-Ting was and his rage flared up, he felt the same rage that he had felt when he heard the news, but he kept his cool and looked at all the weapons Fu-Ting had and decided to take a long shot and not risk Fu-Ting hearing him. “It is time”, Chong Kong said. His heart was pounding as fast as the He took the shot and hit him dead in the neck. He watched as blood came out like a elegant waterfall. He then said… You have been avenged Ching Mang.
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hi akan,
Especially you can see that, because you present a lot of things, but it still seems like there are some gaps.
Mailice here with a short review!
An interesting short mystery story, where I think there are some small parts that could be improved a bit.
I'll focus here on the particular part that you don't really have any problems plot-wise, but structure-wise:
A lot of it reads a bit like you're just telling it without going deeper into a description. A lot of it feels flat and not very well developed. I think it would help to keep this as a kind of core, and rebuild some of it to make it a more readable story. You already have the premise that you have an interesting plot, but the writing feels like it's a first draft, and a lot of it seems a little underdeveloped.
Some sentences seem choppy and I think it would do you good to reread them after you've written them and think about whether what you want to write is right. Remember, your head is faster than your hands.
Another thing, in terms of structure, I think are some spelling mistakes and the structure of your dialogues. In some places there are some missing spaces or dialogue that should have gone on a new line. I was also a bit confused by the fact that your chapters are always written differently, so it would be a good idea to set up a structure where everything stays the same.
I don't want to say that your story is bad, as I said, it's a solid start in terms of the plot, and these were just some suggestions for improvement. If you would apply them, you could definitely pick up a lot of points and add more tension and structure.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
This was good you could definitely go far!! Just keep writing and always think up new ways to improve your writing!! Who knows?? Maybe one day you could be a super famous author!! Never give up sweet heart
xx
Hello, Akan! Welcome to YWS. I hope you enjoy yourself here!
Alright, to start this off, the beginning doesn't really pull me in, and I'll tell you the same thing I do for everyone:
"In the start of a story, you don't want prompt our entrance into the story, but throw us into the action so that we can instantly get absorbed into the drama of the story."
So, that means we don't really need all the exposition about the man, how old he is, who he is and such. Just throw us into the scene where he gets shot. Perhaps even earlier to get a good grasp on what his life is like and how it is instantly thrown all away. Maybe even take it a further step back and show us his life days before he is killed so that everything you told us at the beginning was shown to us instead of straight up told.
I'm really sure why each paragraph is a different 'chapter' mostly because those are far, far too short to be their own chapters. Usually chapters specifically are associated with novels that can take days and even months to read, and even though short stories can be broken up into parts, the same 'chapter'-feel isn't there. I recommend just taking that out.
Now, this entire thing is so very rushed through. Things that took two years in the story were so summarized in the span of a five minute story and it all lacks depths. There is not struggle for the brother, none that we see. The action scenes are really lacking in emotion and tension. We are just presented with what happens and not gone into any depth at all. Describe the scenes. Put down everything that you see in this scene in your head on paper.
One part, though, has the kindling of a spark of imagery. It was really nice, showing the emotion of the brother, even though it was short lived. That moment is sort of what you want you story to resemble so that we can easily connect with the characters.
Interesting plot and an alright start, but there's lots to be added to these bones. Have any questions feel free to ask (and what is up with all the extra white space at the end...?)
Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~
Good job, Akan! Your story made me really want to know what was going to happen. I like the way you "showed" in your writing. I wonder, however, if there could have been more of the vivid showing that you seem to be pretty good at. The similes and metaphors that you used were also very vivid and kept the intrigue. I also wonder whether you could have drawn out the story by explaining how he figured things out, instead of just saying he figured things out. Keep on writing, and keep using those excellent similes and metaphors.
Akan I like your use of metaphors you are a good writer. i wonder if you could have drawn out the story to make it longer. Over all a good solid story. I hope you continue to write.