Young Writers Society

Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review to work some reviewing magic :0

Over 120 years later, we still can see the same beauty as Katherine Bates saw

Who's Katherine Bates? After a Google search, I saw that she was the author, but it would be important to mention that earlier so you're not dumping new characters on us here

America remained a nation that had established unalienable rights for its citizens: right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of personal happiness.

If this is a direct quote, make sure to put quotation marks around it and cite it.

This “industry” destroyed American values and freedom to such an extent that it still taints the American name. Segregation and unequal voting rights followed this horrific mindset.

I would put a more distinct connection here to these two ideas, maybe saying something like "it still taints the American name. Centuries later, racial segregation and equality issues still plague the American people." Something like that.

This was a very inspirational piece, and it was a good reflection on our history and what our forefathers stood for. Too often, I think that we forget that our nation was founded by immigrants, some illegal immigrants at that. It's good to keep in mind the ideals that America was founded upon.

But to me, this felt incomplete. You identified the problem and gave some background to it, and you did a good job with that. However, one thing that was missing is how. How can we, as everyday Americans, combat racism? It seems like a daunting task, and it can be done, but I think even if you devoted two or three sentences to small things you can do to prevent racism, it would make this goal seem more doable.

It doesn't have to be something complicated that would require a lot of effort on the reader's part. It could be something as simple as refusing to condone racism on social media, or calling people out on racism, or not laughing at racist jokes our friends may make. We can't control what other people will do, but if we discourage their actions through our words and actions and enough people do that, it will greatly decrease the number of said jokes made.

Something else to consider is that the founding fathers had slaves, even though they wrote in the Constitution that all men are created equal. The founding fathers weren't perfect, and I'm not saying that you necessarily made this mistake, but it's easy to fall into the trap of "be like the Founding Fathers because they believed in equality and showed a perfect example of that". I think that many of them believed that slavery was wrong, but they still did it because it was free labor.

Hopefully this review was helpful, and as always, if you have any questions, let me know and I'll do my best to get back to you and help you work through them! Thanks for posting, and good luck this review day

Best wishes,
MJ

Hello! Here is my review.

So, this is a 5-paragraph essay for school. I thought it was well-written and I found no grammar or spelling mistakes. Form-wise it's pretty good, so I'll focus on the content.

First I must say I agree with the other reviewer. The part where you quote the Declaration of Independence is reiterated straight after, which is a tautology you should avoid (as all tautologies should be avoided). Also, avoid going off on tangents. It makes not just your argument, but your whole stance look weak. It essentially says that you are trying to convey some other message than what the essay promises to deliver. If you are trying to meet some sort of word-count requirement, there are other ways to do it, such as providing examples.

Which leads to my next point: the claim you present in the first paragraph is that there is a lot of disunity in America. But you fail to provide support for this claim. What are instances of disunity that the reader would be able to see if they put America under a magnifying glass? Or are readers just supposed to take your word for it? I did not find any supporting arguments for this throughout the essay. Frankly, it seems to me personally like you tiptoe around the thought of being precise and specific for fear of offending people who would disagree with you.

You already have a defense protecting your opinions in your last and second-to-last paragraph. You state that it is our duty to respect people's opinions even if they are disagreeable, because this is the best way to freedom and happiness. This right to differing opinions is also protected by the American government. So, I see no reason why you wouldn't try to be more specific.

Furthermore, there are plenty of things you could bring up as arguments to support your claim, with you still being objective and fair to any sides you bring up. For example, you could say that people are overly obsessed with politics and support either party like they're sports teams or something. They argue and bicker over issues with absolute obstinance, reluctant to even try putting themselves in the shoes of the other. You could say that there is racial divide, with people calling each other names left and right. You don't have to take a stance in this, but reporting on cases where disunity exists and providing examples of it will make your claim solid.

Since this is intended to be an inspirational piece, I assume you want to end it on a hopeful note. For this you could go back to history and maybe talk about how things have improved, and how things now are better than they've ever been in history despite seeming so bad right now, thus only solidifying your statement that there is hope. Also, if you provide arguments for the claim that there is disunity, and then say that despite of it there is still hope (possibly for the reasons I mentioned earlier), you eliminate the chance of rebuttal by people using this argument against you. They wouldn't be able to say "oh there's so much disunity so things are falling apart".

I'm not saying you should rewrite your essay. However, you should look into my points and perhaps utilize some of them to solidify your position and make your essay's arguments stronger.

Hatred and discrimination are still evident...

I understand you probably have a word-count limit, but here's something to look out for: where is this discrimination you say is evident? What are instances of it happening? This statement is vital to your point, but I could just as easily say there is no discrimination. I feel like examples would have worked well following this statement.

The argumentation aspect aside, I personally agree with you about the changing of people's hearts part. Laws are not always respected and obeyed, so only by influencing people's minds can we expect to have a respectful society. And I do think we should all respect each other, even if we have differing opinions on politics, religion or art. Actions can be crimes, but thoughts never can be.


I hope this was helpful. Have a nice day, and good luck at school.

Happy Review Day!!!

Hey there, aj!

How can we know how to address issues of freedom and justice and truly find hope for the future? The only way that we can do so is by looking at our past

I would change this to something like "one of the only ways" because there are certainly other ways to address issues of freedom and justice.

America was founded by those who sought to escape from religious oppression, as well as those who wanted a chance for prosperity or wealth.

"America was founded by" is an unnecessary use of passive voice. You could clean up this sentence by rearranging some things and making the sentence active: "Those who sought to escape religious oppression, as well as those who wanted a chance for prosperity or wealth, founded America."

“All men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” America remained a nation that had established unalienable rights for its citizens: right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of personal happiness.

Here, a section of the quote is almost exactly restated in your summary sentence. If your teacher says that you need a summary sentence after every quote, try to write something that actually gives background on the quote. Restating it does no good. If your teacher doesn't require a summary sentence, then dive right into the meat of your argument: the analysis and commentary.

Our hope for the future is not more laws; instead, it is a changing of the hearts of Americans to view each other as equal.

I like this argument! But unfortunately I don't think that you should spend so much time arguing for it. The prompt has to do with how America's history shapes our hope for its future. The prompt doesn't have anything to do with how we're supposed to treat our fellow man.

I'm not sure how well you're supposed to stick to the prompt, but from my experience with school essays, that's one of the most important things. Even if the argument is sound and well-written, tangents are bad. My main piece of advice for you is to find more evidence of American historical events that you can use to argue whether or not that particular event lends a sense of hope or a sense of despair for America's future. It is never specifically stated which one America's dark past in slavery contributes to. As an example, you could easily argue that it contributes to a sense of doom, but the fact that the Union went to war for four long years in order to fight for the slaves' freedom is certainly a contributor to hope.

I like this essay, and your writing is good, but the last three paragraphs in particular just don't relate back to the prompt very well.

Hopefully this is helpful! Good luck! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.