Sorry. This isn't a book anymore. It wouldn't let me delete the book. So I just did this.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hey aj!
I really enjoy Travis' "voice" as a character. It's definitely the strongest aspect of the story thus far, and a great thing to build a story around. However, outside of the character's thoughts and dialogue, the prose is very tell-y and not quite show-y enough.
Basically, telling is when you more or less just tell the reader what is happening. For example:
Telling often comes off in basic, dry lists of activities or actions. It isn't extremely interesting to read, and can make a story come off as dull or boring which is certainly not what you want especially with a character that has a voice as interesting as Travis'.
Showing, on the other hand, is when you show the reader what us happening through character actions. For example:
This bit here has a lot more showing to it than most of the chapter. There are adjectives and verbs and words describing Travis doing things in a way that doesn't come off as a list.
Good ways to develop more showing language are to just focus more on the senses. How do things look, feel, smell, taste, and sound to Travis as he experiences them? Being more descriptive about how Travis interacts with the world around him will make the story more real and three dimensional, allowing the reader to relate to it more.
Here is a great article that talks more about showing and telling in writing.
Other than that, interesting chapter! I didn't expect this turn in the plot, which is fantastic! I'm interested to see where it goes!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
This is very good! i see no pont in telling you any constructive critisam when there is none needed! your wroks are perfect! thums up! i like travises perspective on things very intence! keep up the good work.
You are a extremely talented writer, dont let go of theat kepp writing.
Hello,
This is a nice way to start a story. Quite a nice intro goes well with the prologue. Although this is a little to short for an actual chapter its perfect YWS size.
Just a little point about the plot. I'm sure the police officer could not legally handcuff the your guy like that, its just a tad bit unrealistic, you could easily change it so the police man threatened him with arrest instead of handcuffing him like that.
You seem to have a nice character. The conversation seems to be grammatically correct.
In generally this is just a really good little excerpt, I really have noting to say.Although the way you seem to break up lines is rather strange, it works here on YWS but not on a final published work.