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Young Writers Society



Oni

by aisu_ookami


Hey everyone! I'm really horrible at categorizing poetry but I'm pretty sure this one fits in here. This poem was my baby for a long time and I think I've finally finished (though when is a poem ever really done??) The title can confuse people so let me define it...."Oni" is a Japanese word meaning "demon or spirit" or "it (as in a game of tag)". Hope that helps!


ONI

Slam the door
ignore the pain
turn the key and
pin the blame
on teenage angst
this soul, aflame
must have its way
it can't be tame

Pump the pedal
it's drawing near
breath on my back
it's almost here
lips pulled back in
taunting leer
long fingers reach
I must pull clear

Pass the signs
it's one big race
a race against
both time and space
the stakes are high
no losing grace
no turning back
the bet's in place

Hit the bump
I'm flying high
no time to stop
just say good-bye
no fear tonight
no fear to die
just hit the gas
it's time to ride

Turn the corner
furious speed
tires squeal
I'm in the lead
the engine roars
there is no need
the test has come
can I succeed?

Run the light
still speeding fast
silver bullet
shoot the past
dragon face against
the glass
falling off
I'm free at last

Watch the road
I am not done
cars still come
but I have won
slowing down
no need to run
I look behind
there is no one


It's really long, I know, but what do you think???


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48 Reviews


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Wed Oct 16, 2019 2:29 am
Lionhero333 wrote a review...



Hey, I see that this is from 2004 so I don't know if you're actually still on here or not. But I just wanted to say I was skimming through all the poems and I'm glad that I chose this one. Your poetry is way better than anything I've written in a long time and you make me want to work harder. You say its your baby and i think its easy to tell the work you put into this. Your words... They... They just flow so smooth like a stream of water, or a river, or something (like i said im not good at poems.) Dont know if you will see this but it was really good. Thumbs up




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Fri May 05, 2017 7:36 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...



Hello, aisu_ookami! Keep here for a quick review! I've been doing this thing that I came up with just now XD called "review old works project! And it's definitely fun because I get to read what was first posted on YWS! Anyways, enough rambling from me. (:

I loved this free-verse poem because I think it has a lot more talent than the free-verse poems that are being posted now on YWS. It's really long like you said, but that isn't a problem if you keep the reader's attention till the end! Keep writing!

~Keep <3




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Sun Mar 24, 2013 3:32 am
Rosan wrote a review...



This is really nice.
I like how you made the words flow out so smoothly, almost naturally. There's no problem in it being long, I think it even complemented the stream of words in your poem. It is also lovely how you made the words rhyme and maintain the rhythm till the end.
Good job.




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Fri May 18, 2007 7:23 pm
M.B.Author says...



Great story. Keep up the good work!

-- M.B.Author




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Wed Nov 24, 2004 3:58 am
Perra says...



I can't even write poetry. It might help if I actually tried....




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Mon Nov 22, 2004 3:18 pm
Chevy says...



wow...that is a nice poem...none of my poetry is as near as good as that!




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Sat Nov 20, 2004 11:47 pm
Perra says...



Hai!! This was an awesome poem!! It flowed so well(except for the part that Drizzt mentioned). It's almost like a song....




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Fri Nov 19, 2004 5:32 am
Drizzt wrote a review...



I really like it, too. The only thing I find that you MIGHT want to correct (You really don't have to, I just find it slightly different to the flow of it all) is the part "Watch the road
I am not done
cars still come
but I have won"

You could change "I am not done" to "I'm not done", and I think it would be better. Just my opinion, of course.[/quote]




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Fri Nov 19, 2004 3:44 am
Nate says...



I think it's great. You rhyme the entire way through, and somehow you manage to make it sound all very natural. Not only that, but you kept the same consistent flow. I really can't find anything to criticize...

A very good read.





A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases...
— John Keats