Published November 19, 2004
Hey everyone! I'm really horrible at categorizing poetry but I'm pretty sure this one fits in here. This poem was my baby for a long time and I think I've finally finished (though when is a poem ever really done??) The title can confuse people so let me define it...."Oni" is a Japanese word meaning "demon or spirit" or "it (as in a game of tag)". Hope that helps!
ONI
Slam the door
ignore the pain
turn the key and
pin the blame
on teenage angst
this soul, aflame
must have its way
it can't be tame
Pump the pedal
it's drawing near
breath on my back
it's almost here
lips pulled back in
taunting leer
long fingers reach
I must pull clear
Pass the signs
it's one big race
a race against
both time and space
the stakes are high
no losing grace
no turning back
the bet's in place
Hit the bump
I'm flying high
no time to stop
just say good-bye
no fear tonight
no fear to die
just hit the gas
it's time to ride
Turn the corner
furious speed
tires squeal
I'm in the lead
the engine roars
there is no need
the test has come
can I succeed?
Run the light
still speeding fast
silver bullet
shoot the past
dragon face against
the glass
falling off
I'm free at last
Watch the road
I am not done
cars still come
but I have won
slowing down
no need to run
I look behind
there is no one
It's really long, I know, but what do you think???
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hii! Hop here with another review! I know this piece is 21 years old but why not???
I love this poem, it was really fun to read. All of the words flowed really easily. You stayed on track of the theme. There is really nothing bad to say about this except when you said "I am not done" could be changed to I'm not done because the next line has three syllables while 'I am nor done' has four. But other than that this poem is amazing!!! I don't know if you are still active on young writers society but if you are, keep up the fantastic work!!!! Stay amazing!!!!!!
Love, Hop
Hello hello I hope you dont mind me popping in a quick review. Now I understand this is older so I won't go into feedback this time. It feels unfair to give you feedback on a decade-old poem that probably doesn't reflect your skills today. With that being said I really like this piece and don't find it too long.
The prose is simple but effective it gives me a slam poetry or rap vibe thanks to it being to the point. However, that's not a bad thing in fact I feel it works better compared to a slower more flowery approach. Mostly since this poem plays with action a quicker pace drives it home without losing the plot or themes.
To me it feels like it could be a song based around wanting to be free or the thrill of growing older. I say this due to the reference to teen angst since that sometimes be blamed for a disconnect between generations. Yet it's that same stigma that can fuel more risky behaviour. Maybe I am overthinking it.
Anyway, I hope wherever life took you that you are doing well. Keep writing and Drink water!
Hey, I see that this is from 2004 so I don't know if you're actually still on here or not. But I just wanted to say I was skimming through all the poems and I'm glad that I chose this one. Your poetry is way better than anything I've written in a long time and you make me want to work harder. You say its your baby and i think its easy to tell the work you put into this. Your words... They... They just flow so smooth like a stream of water, or a river, or something (like i said im not good at poems.) Dont know if you will see this but it was really good. Thumbs up
Hello, aisu_ookami! Keep here for a quick review! I've been doing this thing that I came up with just now XD called "review old works project! And it's definitely fun because I get to read what was first posted on YWS! Anyways, enough rambling from me.
I loved this free-verse poem because I think it has a lot more talent than the free-verse poems that are being posted now on YWS. It's really long like you said, but that isn't a problem if you keep the reader's attention till the end! Keep writing!
~Keep <3
This is really nice.
I like how you made the words flow out so smoothly, almost naturally. There's no problem in it being long, I think it even complemented the stream of words in your poem. It is also lovely how you made the words rhyme and maintain the rhythm till the end.
Good job.
Great story. Keep up the good work!
-- M.B.Author
I can't even write poetry. It might help if I actually tried....
wow...that is a nice poem...none of my poetry is as near as good as that!
Hai!! This was an awesome poem!! It flowed so well(except for the part that Drizzt mentioned). It's almost like a song....
I really like it, too. The only thing I find that you MIGHT want to correct (You really don't have to, I just find it slightly different to the flow of it all) is the part "Watch the road
I am not done
cars still come
but I have won"
You could change "I am not done" to "I'm not done", and I think it would be better. Just my opinion, of course.[/quote]
I think it's great. You rhyme the entire way through, and somehow you manage to make it sound all very natural. Not only that, but you kept the same consistent flow. I really can't find anything to criticize...
A very good read.