Hey, I'm new to Young Writer's Society. So there are bound to be mistakes, and feel free to point them out. I've looked it over and over though so I hope there's no annoying grammatical errors....
'I shouldn't’t have left.'
That was the one thing on Samantha’s mind. She had thought this a thousand times. Of course not all at once but while she was lecturing herself; it was a pretty common thought.
She was 18 and had just graduated from high school a few days ago. She didn’t really know what she wanted in her future but she decided she would figure all that out later. Funny, she had decided that in 9th grade too, and just look how far that had gotten. She sighed and looked down at the sand underneath her. She sat on the beach wondering why she had agreed to come on this silly trip with her friends. They had said she needed a ‘break’ and needed to ‘clear her head’.
Though Samantha really hadn’t understood what they were talking about. She just knew it was a chance to get away. To get away from her hometown. To get away from her school. To get away from her family. To get away from everything. Maybe that’s what her friends were talking about, or maybe they just didn’t want to feel guilty about leaving her behind and knew she would have to be talked into it.
Part of her even wanted to get away from them too. Even though they were the best friends a girl could ask for. That same part wanted to get away from the only person who seemed to understand her, or at least try to, her boyfriend. She was beginning to think that part was crazy. Or was it?
No, she shouldn't’t start questioning that part of herself now. It was the only part that seemed whole and somewhat solid. It was a part that she could depend on to catch her when she fell. If she started to question that, where would she end up? Some things, she decided, just weren’t questioned. And her boyfriend was one of them.
She looked up and watched the waves, trying to take her friends advice and clear her head, but it didn’t seem to be working. All she could think of was “I shouldn’t be here”. But she wasn’t sure exactly where she should be.
In her own mind she was like a lost puppy on the side of the street. Helpless and vulnerable. Looking for a place where she belonged. Where she could be herself and not care who was watching or what they thought about her. To Samantha this was as hopeless and an 8 year old hoping for a prince charming and a flying pony.
The sun’s edge gently slid under the horizon, and the sky reacted by turning into pinks, yellows, oranges and purples. This could be in a painting, she thought. A sunset on the ocean. How more perfect could it be? She was where anyone in her hometown would die to go. She was here with her best friends. She was sitting on the beach watching the most beautiful sunset that could be in a painting, and she couldn’t help but feel something was missing.
She knew exactly what too. She was just didn’t want to admit it to herself, or aloud. She was missing someone who understood. She was missing someone who knew the real her. The only thing she couldn’t understand is who that person was. No one knew the real her much less understood it, but maybe someone will. If Samantha let’s them. And that’s all she could hope for.
Samantha sat there wondering if and how such a person could exist when she felt a presence behind her. She knew it was one of her friends, probably Leah, coming to bring her inside for a girl’s night out or something.
“Alright, I’m going back inside you can go tell them all I haven’t been kidnapped or anything” she called over her shoulders.
She was about to get up off the sand, but then she heard a male voice say
“Excuse me?” She was sure it wasn’t Leah.
She turned around and saw a boy about her age maybe older standing a foot away looking at her like she had lost her mind. His brown hair covered one of his hazel eyes and he was wearing khaki shorts and an Abercrombie shirt. Samantha couldn’t help but stare. She was sure Abercrombie should hire him as a model and she would go there way more often.
She snapped out of it. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were my friend. Usually they let me out of her sight for this long” She said smiling politely.
He returned the smile and asked “May I?” He gestured to the spot on the sand beside her.
“Go ahead” She shrugged a little.
“Now, what did you mean ‘out of her sight for this long’? Did you run away?”
Samantha grabbed a shell from next to her and held it in her hand examining it.“Well, kind of. I needed to get away from the group for a while.”
The boy set me a dazzling smile and said “You needed to clear your head”
I nodded and so did he.
“I understand. I can be like that with my friends sometimes. It annoys the crap out of them” She laughed, and felt for once he actually did understand.
He smiled at her and asked “So what’s you’re name?”
“Layla” She lied. She was tired of being Samantha, and it’s not like she was ever going to see him again.
“I’m Brendan” He put his hand out for her to shake and she gave him a loose shake.
“Do you live around her, Layla?” Her false name rolled perfectly off his tongue, she almost wished it was her real name.
She shook her head.
“I’m here on vacation with my friends; they wanted to take a graduation trip”
“Ah, just out of high school?” She immediately realized she had told him too much and blushed while she nodded.
“So you must be 17 or 18?”
She nodded and said “18”
“Me too, but everyone says I look older” She nodded and smiled, that was exactly what she was thinking.
“Brendan! Supper’s ready!” A high pitched female voice yelled from a little away.
“Oh, I got to go, but um, can I have your number? I had a great time talking to you” He said searching for something in his pocket.
He pulled out a blackberry and looked at Samantha hopefully. Against the voice in her head screaming ‘No!’, Samantha pulled out her cell and handed it to him for him to put his number in.
He smiled and gave her his blackberry. She took it and put her number in it, knowing he would forget all about her and delete it in a few days.
“Thank you” He said gave her once last heart stopping smile and started to leave.
Just when he was almost out of sight she saw a girl about 20, drape an arm around his shoulders and walk with him talking as they left.
Samantha sighed, of course he had a girlfriend. To Samantha boys were like parking spaces the good ones were already taken.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hmm, *wonders what to think of this.*
Well, I have to say, for your first post on this site, I congratulate you. Sure, there were some mistakes, but that is what I am here for. Your writing is sophisticated and average, but that simply ties in with what story you are writing! I really like to story! Are you going to continue? I hope so! Okay, here I go:
I think you meant "shouldn't"
So, you don't need this part at all! It just looks like you're trying to up your word count! Please delete it.
So, pick one or the other of the underlined. With both, the sentence just sounds redundant.
I think you should write it like this: "They had said she needed a 'break' and to 'clear her head.'
Delete the underlined 'though.'
This part confused me. I don't know what 'part' she is talking about. Please explain further!
So one, this part also confuses me! I wish you would tell me what she means. And, also, the period should go inside the quotations, like this: "All she could think of was "I shouldn't be here."
Okay, so the flying pony part is good, but the prince charming part is too big of foreshadowing, and plainly, a little overused. Please delete it!!
So, this should be connected with the sentence before by a comma! It would sound better as one big sentence. Also, the underlined 'and' should be changed to a 'but'
So, there's really only one more thing. I think you should delete the part about Abercrombie. First off, the line for young adults is Abercrombie and Fitch, secondly, it's kind of lame! haha, hope I helped!
If you continue, need any more help, or have any questions, feel free to PM me!
~Classy
Hi. Yeah, I'm new too. There were just a couple of things that bothered me, though.
Spelled shouldn't wrong
There should be comma after this.
It can be of or a comma. I just didn't think it flowed.
I absolutely love this line but it seemed kind of... blurted out to me.
These are just my opinions, and my writing has terrible errors in it so I shouldn't judge.
I liked it though. Especially the last line.
- - - Lissi