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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello.
Your first poem here has some promise. I like the snatches of images you got from people on the bus, and the idea of who'd do what. The thing is, I found there wasn't really much else to the poem besides a few observations; no touch of the epic, no connecting interaction, and just a vaguely fatalist topic. It'd be nice to see it connected a bit more, so it feels like a comic book playing out in the narrator's head that she wishes couldn't happen. But, as it is, it's not a bad poem. Just a bit forgettable because it seems really simple.
The second poem, on the other hand.
I found this one very repetitive, with the number of times you used the word "bad" (eleven times, for a short poem). This gets very old, very quickly, and leaves me skimming as I want to get some place new, see a word other than those three letters. Feeling bad is already such a prominent theme in poetry that you can't just say it simply— readers expect that. You have an interesting idea in here, with the concept of "we can't help each other", but you don't focus on it to make it something interesting. Instead, we just get the word bad at least once a stanza, sometimes once a line, which makes the poem very bland and utterly forgettable.
Spice this up a lot. Work on your word choice, your flow, and focusing on actually capturing beautiful images instead of just saying you feel bad and your friend feels bad. That's not good poetry. Adding just a touch of variety would do wonders for this poem, as would focusing on destroying each other when in a bad mood. That sounds like an interesting poem.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Hello there!
The first one, The Bus, was good, from what I understood of it. I'm not very good with it, but I know good poetry when I see it and this was good.
The second one, completely blew my mind xD Yes, it was amazing and I know this was posted in April, but I just found this, and I'm glad I did. I'd like to read more of your work, so if you have anything that needs reviewing or you just need someone to read something, don't be afraid to ask! Shoot me a PM and I'd be more than happy to take a look at it for you. Until then, keep up the great work!
--ForsakenAngel