The Astronaut
We used to dream together. We used to look at each other’s eyes when we’re talking. You used to hold my hands when I’m nervous. I was used to your arms around me, your words, your presence, and your voice when I needed them—and you when I needed you. The more that you show me how much I mean to you, the more that I come to treasure you as the kind of dream that lulls me to sleep, but I never wanted to sleep through.
When you told me about your dream of becoming an astronaut, I realized that gazing at the night sky with me was never enough for you. And little did I know then that I was already losing you. You started dreaming alone. You start to take things on your own. Whenever I place myself in front of you to remind you that I’m still here, your eyes just don’t meet mine. Whenever I look at you, it was always your back that is facing me. Though I feel weightless, I struggled to serve as your gravity to hold you down for a while. That just for a few seconds I could put my arms around you. I was afraid of losing you even when you don’t hold my hands anymore, overlook me, push me aside and take me for granted. You began walking ahead without waiting for me. Please don’t go too far or I’ll soon get tired of keeping up with you.
In 10…9…8…7
You took off without me.
6…5…4
You built a different world out there without me.
3…2…1
You chased after your own dreams and left me.
And while you are there, I hope you won’t forget to look back. I hope you won’t regret not holding fast to the dreams that were already in your hands. The dreams you easily left behind. And I hope you know that I won’t be waiting for you if you ever decided to come back.
Because when you still have me, I already lost you.
Anyway, I’m just a part of a dream that never came true. The kind of dream that you just slept through.
-r.p.
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One thing I think I can say about this piece of writing is that it's pretty memorable, in part to how different others might interpret it. I'm sure you have a different look on it then I do, and the next person who reads it will probably get something different out of it as well. That's a really good thing, I love kinds of story where different people can get different things out of it. I feel like it's the kind of writing that leaves a person thinking about it for quite a while.
As far as a breakup narrative goes, this shows glimmers of greatness, but could use a little fine-tuning. Since this kind of writing has already been tackled by Taylor Swift time and time again, I'd like to see you add your own sort of flavor to it. You sort of attempt this with the whole astronaut theme, but I'd like to see you go all the way then just giving bits and pieces. As it is, it feels like it's a typical break-up narrative with space references fluttered about.
This is my favorite line in the whole piece -- very poetic and meaningful. But I'd like to see the space theme more fully integrated than partly integrated. I like the countdown part and the bit about gravity, but the part about dreams seems a bit miscued.
What does this mean? How do you sleep through a dream?
I also hope you don't mind me saying the narrator comes off a bit selfish here -- basically chastising their significant other for wanting to chase a dream over them, because it doesn't seem likely to come true. Shouldn't they be happy for this person? Becoming an astronaut is something most people can only dream of, and claiming to not be there when they come back seems a bit strange.
Lastly, you may consider changing the genre of this -- there's nothing really dramatic about it, romantic would make more sense to me. Thanks for sharing.
That was absolutely beautiful. You've done a great job describing the emotions of the characters - I could feel it myself as if I was there. The way you used the countdown (10..9..
was a really clever reference.
You've written a very realistic story, because people often forget about eachother because they take eachother for granted. I feel for the main character, the story started with such young and innocent love... but it ended so hopelessly.
"Please don’t go too far or I’ll soon get tired of keeping up with you." That sentence really got to me.
You've done a great job, it was sentimental.
Btw, sorry for a blurry, confusing review - I'm not a native English speaker.