Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
An ode to power
O! Cruel honesty, so steeped was my face
With all cherish tears of thy unjust wrath
Many folk, with sarcasmic laugh of grace
I made them all subsequent thou aftermath
Juvenile, in the RAM was me in age
On back of horse, i thought could ride
And clepped myself cavalier in page
Excited was me with that deceited pride
and forthed I, with justice to arrogant stage
and for customs and laws, i found my guid
Inspite all this, injustice did the magisterate
With awareness of evidences alongside
O! Benighted affectionate in thou place
Anticipate, what I from thou estate
(Afghan safi)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! I'm here to review your poem.
I really liked this! It was powerful, and I love satire. I love your style as well. It's not as common as other styles I've seen on here. That being said, I did have a couple of nit-picks, but it's nothing major.
The first thing I noticed is your title. "power" should be capitalized: An Ode to Power
"With all cherished tears of my unjust wrath."
"On back of horse, I thought could ride"
Also, I think this line would make more sense and flow better if you added another "I" between "thought" and "could": "On back of horse, I thought I could ride"
"And for customs and laws, I found my guide"
"With awareness of evidences alongside"
It may just be how I read it, but this line sounded a little weird to me. It sounded a tad bit too long. I would suggest taking out the "s" in evidences. I think that would make it flow a little better.
I know that keepwriting already mentioned this, but I really think your poem could benefit from more punctuation. Particularly, end punctuation. You don't need a period after every line, of course, but a few commas and periods here and there to indicate pauses and full stops would make your poem feel less rushed.
In conclusion, this was a great poem and I enjoyed reading it. I just had a few nit-picks that I felt I should address. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Hello, afghansafi123. Welcome to the Young Writer's Society! Let me first say, I really loved your poem. No one writes in this sort of style anymore. I'm so glad you decided to post this. Let me get on to the review though so I can help you improve it.
In the first stanza here ^ it should be I instead of me. In the second you didn't capitalize "i", and in the third stanza it should be "cleped" instead of "clepped" if I understand correctly. I'd put a period after age so we know you stop your thought there. It'll keep people from getting confused.
Capitalize "i" and "guid" should be "guide". "Inspite" should be "in spite". And in "magisterate" just take out the first e.
I really did love this though. After to correct those small mistakes, I think it'll be even better. Oh, and the last thing I wanted to say is, it might be best if you added some periods that way people can tell where the thoughts end. Anyway, thanks for sharing! Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!
~Keepwriting