Hi! This is a really twisted fairytale and it has a lot of room for improvement so you have permission to rip it to shreds! Nicely. 
“I told you Missouri,” Malawi said, failing to conceal the frustration in her voice. “It’s too dangerous to take with me.”
Missouri looked up at her pleadingly. “Please?”
“Missouri! Haven’t you been listening to me for the last five minutes? I told you. No.” God he's annoying sometimes!
Missouri bit his lip and scuffed his hooves on the floor.
“Fine,” he said in a small voice.
Malawi turned to go. “Oh, and Missouri?” she said. “Look out for the wolf.”
“Yes Mum, I’ll remember,” he said sullenly.
Malawi walked warily towards the forest. She stopped for a moment, looking at the clear stream that was meandering its way down to the village. She sighed. She loved watching the river. It made her feel so… calm.
Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw the wolf. Malawi darted into the forest and hid behind two closely growing trees. Peering between them, she saw the wolf clearly for the first time.
The wolf’s amber eyes glittered as he looked at the cottage. Malawi shivered. Fearful for her children, she acted on impulse.
“Oi! You! Leave them alone!” she shouted.
The wolf turned his attention away from the house and ran straight towards her. Malawi stood stock still, frozen with fear.. She watched the wolf get closer and closer with each passing second. Then panic snapped her into action and she pelted into the forest.
Malawi risked a glance behind. The wolf was gaining. She pushed herself harder, dredging up all her energy, her heart beating erratically. What have I got myself into? she thought.
Instinctively, Malawi looked back again, in time to see the wolf reach out to stop her from getting away. Fear fuelled a sudden turn of speed and the wolf’s claws raked against her side. Her head began to swim and she collapsed on to the floor, struggling to breath. Her vision went blurry and the last thing she heard was the wolf.
“Oh no. What have I done?”
Confusion swamped Malawi’s mind and she blacked out.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Malawi slowly regained her senses and looked around blearily. Trees, logs, leaf litter? Then everything came rushing back and Malawi leapt to her paws-wait a minute! Paws? She stared at what should be her hooves, horrified and confused.
“I’m so sorry.”
Malawi spun around, almost tripping over her own paws. The wolf was behind her. She began to back away.
“You still don’t recognise me, do you?”
Malawi looked at him closely, curiosity taking over. There was an uncanny resemblance between the wolf and…and…
“Orean?” She whispered, not daring to believe her eyes.
“So you haven’t forgotten me yet,” he says, with that soft smile Malawi remembered so well.
“I don’t believe it, I…”
Orean cuts her off mid-sentence. “I can prove to you that I am Orean. I can tell you something about Missouri. Something that only you and I knew. Missouri has magic.”
Malawi gaped at the wolf, at Orean. It really was him! It was my brother. She rushed forward and hugged him tightly, feeling happier than she has in a long time.
“Why are you like this? Why did you disappear?”
He said one word, one name. “Cypran.”
Realisation dawned on her and with it, panic. Cypran, her eldest son, had magic too!
“We have to go back. The children are vulnerable without us.”
Orean nodded. “Maybe Missouri can use his powers to turn us back.”
Malawi thought of Missouri, of Cypran and gritted her teeth, running as fast as she could. Trees passed in a blur.
They reached the fringe of the forest and saw Missouri calling, ‘Mum!’ Malawi was glad, for once, that he had disobeyed her as she had had no idea how she would have got him out of the house.
“Missouri,” she hissed.
He rushed towards the direction of her voice, but stopped dead when he saw them both.
Malawi talked quickly. “Missouri, look. Who does this look like?” She pointed to Orean, hoping that Missouri would recognise him.
Missouri frowned warily, but looked at Orean, brow furrowed. Then his face clears and it hits him. “Uncle Orean?” he says disbelievingly, eyes wide.
Between them, they explained the situation to him and what he had to do.
Missouri closed his eyes and Malawi saw his muscles tense as he tried with all his might to use the magic within him. Malawi held her breath and sensed Orean doing likewise.
“I can’t do it!” he cried, kicking the ground in frustration.
“I didn’t think you would be able to, Runt.”
Cypran! He stood there, a smug smile on his face. But what happened next was what shocked Malawi. Missouri spun around.
“Don’t call me Runt!” Missouri yelled something incomprehensible and Cypran’s mouth clamped shut.
A wild grin broke out on to Missouri’s face and he rushed over the river. “Look!” he dipped his head into the water and immediately it began to shimmer and sparkle. Malawi ran over to him, when suddenly, the river spoke. She almost fell into it with shock.
“Missouri,” it said gravely. “You have used your magic twice and your magic use is limited to twice a year as it has been for all magical beings. You must wait for a new year to dawn. However, now that I am magical, I have the capability to grant one wish.”
Malawi walked towards the river warily, Orean by her side. Then Missouri shouted a warning. “Watch out! Cypran‘s casting a spell!”
Orean and Malawi broke into a run but bounced off something invisible, some sort of barrier that Cypran must’ve created.
Missouri looked like he was about to try and remove it.
“Don’t attempt to use your magic for the first time. The penalty is death,” the river said.
Cypran began to cast a spell, the malice and madness in his eyes clear for all to see. “I’m going to kill you Missouri,” he hissed.
“Didn’t you hear the river?” Missouri yelled back. “You’ll die. This is your third time using magic this year. You used it once when I muted you and the second time was when you made that barrier just now.”
“Listen to him Cypran. He’s telling the truth.” Malawi said, searching for any trace of the Cypran she used to know. Not even a shadow of him remains.
Cypran sneered. “I don’t believe you. How stupid are you? You listen to a river.” He finished his spell and for a moment it seemed that his spell would engulf Missouri but then it turned back on Cypran and he disappeared with a scream, undone by his own stubbornness.
Orean grabbed Malawi’s arm and they ran into the river, shouting their wish to the heavens. They grinned at each other as they climbed back out.
Missouri continued his conversation with the river. As he talked to it, Malawi looked at him. He was so much more mature and intelligent , he wasn’t the boy who used to cry and come running to her whenever Cypran used to call him names.
Missouri turned to Malawi. “We need to get out of here! The magic has tainted the air, it‘s poisonous! We should go down the river and get out of here!”
“Go and call the others,” Malawi told him.
He called them all out and it was then that Malawi saw a vital flaw in the plan.
“And may I ask how we’re going to ride down the river if we don’t even have a boat?”
“Look!” Missouri whispered something to the river and the water moulded into a boat, majestic and beautiful. It looked like Malawi’s hand would go straight through it but it didn’t. The surface of the boat felt like any other; hard, durable and sea-worthy. The other children gasped and looked at Missouri with newfound respect. He grinned proudly, momentarily basking in their praise. Then everyone scrambled into the boat and with Missouri at the front, controlling the boat, they embarked on their first ever voyage.
The river was peaceful as we sailed down it. There were countless twists and turns and the scenery was beautiful. Trees with leaves and fruit of vibrant colours peppered the landscape, the very picture of serenity, taking Malawi’s breath away as they stood there, majestic, swaying in the gentle breeze.
The river continued through the mountain, revealing caves that must have been made by the river, wearing away the rock over the centuries. They narrowly missed a stalactite that hung down, its sharp point glinting, beautiful yet dangerous at the same time.
Then the boat hit against something and we were all jolted forward, into Missouri. He almost fell over the edge but Orean grabbed him quickly.
Malawi regained her balance and realised that they had hit dry land.
They all jumped out of the boat and it melted back into water as Missouri whispered another command to the river. Malawi shook her head in amazement. What a cool power to have!
Malawi heard her family gasp and looked up sharply. She stared.
This place was illuminated by an eerily beautiful glow. She realised that the plants themselves were luminous and that was lighting up the cave. Water dripped off a stalactite on to the rocky cave floor in a steady rhythm. Different caves surrounded Malawi and looking up, she saw that they were part of ancient trees, each cave a hole through a tree trunk . She thought the caves were…they were
“They’re portals to other worlds,” Missouri said, eyes wide.
“One thing remains to decide,” I said, grinning broadly. “Which path to take?”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi afeefah! Here's the review! (sorry it took so long, I've been having some trouble with my computer.)
. I think most of your problems come from trying to stuff a story with so much going on into a realitively small space.
. After three readings, I still don't really get the whole river/being turned into wolves thing. When, exactly is the narrator turned into a wolf? It just sort of occurs with no explanation. And, if Missouri can only use his magic twice a year, then how does he make the boat? Is it because he already enchanted the river so now he can use whenever he wants? You need to be clearer about that.
First of all, I like the concept of this story. But I did have to read it through three times to get everything that happened
The first problem I saw was the eleventh paragraph. This is just one big info dump. You would be much better off beginning the story with Cyran leaving, then say "two months later I went to forage, my first time." or something like that.
Don't be afraid to write bigger. This story needs a lot more detail than you give it. When species are the characters? What's the narraor's name? How, exactly does this magic work, and how did Missouri learn to control it?
All of the events in the story happen much to quickly. Take for example, the battle with Cyran. This event, which should have been the climax, is given only a small chunk of the narrative, and therefore falls flat on it's face. There really is no action here, Cyran just poofs away because he did something he by all rights should have known. This is no epic decison of the family's fate! C'mon, give us a FIGHT!
Also, remember that your narrator is a mother, and therefore an adult member of her species. She isn't a teenager, and yet most of the time she sounds like the annoyed older sister rather than the parent. When she goes into the forest to forage, she gets frusterated with Missouri. You don't hear her fearing for her son's safety. Just annoyance.
And what the heck is up with the magic?!
And finally, the ending. They just lost a brother/son, even if he was evil. And now they just decide to set off down this unknown river on a whim. In the beginning of the story, Missouri wasn't allowed to go into the immediate forest to get food to live off. This is too big a switch. Why would they abandon their home, neigh, their [i]world[/i] just for the heck of it? You need to make this a believable action. Maybe the land is posioned by the magic from Cyran and Missouri's fight, and they can no longer live there. Maybe the forest is on fire, and this is there only escape. This has to feel like something these people would really do.
All in all, I like the idea, but the execution of that idea could be better.
Hey Afeefah,
On First person narration:
I may have to cut this review short, but I thought I might as well do as much as I can for you while I have the use of this computer.
My goal in this review is to see if we can get this piece competitive enough to perhaps win Rosey's competition. So, let's have a look:
Be careful here. Time and time again, I find that when reviewing works written in the first person, the reader fails to capture a sort of reality for one major reason: When writing in the first person, you can only describe that which your character and persona would notice. I'll give you an example:
When a person sighs impatiently in exasperation, it is very rare that the sigh would be conscious. A sigh is something that is a natural response to exasperation and frustration, and the performer is hard pushed to notice it.
When writing in the first person, you have to try to look at exactly what it is that your character would see and feel. In other words, become your character and describe exactly what he would feel in such a circumstance. Never over describe something fleeting, or underdescribe something he sees as astronomical. You have to way up your choice of words based on what your character's personality is.
For me what makes this story very hard to read is that you've given it a backstory too large to fit into such a small piece. As soon as you start writing your story, we need to be ensnared in your world. We need to want to find out what's going to happen next. As soon as you start giving us unnecessary background information, you lose us as an audience. I'll give you an example:
If you look at the above, you tell us a whole bunch of information that we don't need to know. If you patronize Missouri, we'll expect that he's your child. The fact that he's your youngest child is irrelevant to us as readers. You're trying too hard to tell us things. Let the story expose itself as it sees fit to. Bring in extra pieces of information by weaving them into the story. Don't overload us with information at any given time.
Remember, the best writers will show their audience events in such a way that they make a reader feel the character's emotions. To do this you need to refocus your attention on the story and characters itself, and remove your focus from the backstory.
Consider the following rewrite of the above piece, and watch how it can be rewritten to maximize the effect that it has.
Remember that you're writing this from the point of view of a parent. A parent will not likely admit to feeling annoyed by their children. You need to go through your story and sharpen this sort of thing. This was a blatant example, but try rewriting the piece from the point of view of a real parent. Show us a parent's panic, and other feelings that a true person would have. You can do this by varying sentence length, sharpening description and sharpening dialogue.
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I hope the review helped.
Have a great one!
Thanks a lot Stella! Your review really helped. *Goes away and makes corrections*
Afeefah
Hey Afeefah!
So I'm checking out the competition for the contest, and I thought I'd critique you as well...
I. NITPICKS
either OK? or O.K.? I should think...
of hooves? What are they?
comma before names.
you're...
II. UNCONNECTED
For the majority, this piece felt quite sort of unemotional and distant. Try bringing us into your MC's head more, to draw us closer in. Inject more emotion into the writing outside of dialogue, and try to make your transitions smoother. It seems very jumpy, and this may be because of the present tense- it's best for immediate stories, and this is spread over a longer time than that.
Also, try giving her a voice. Since you're using first person, voice is important. Is she sarcastic, dramatic...? I'd like to see that- it will also develop your characters and draw your reader in, which I think is your biggest problem at the moment.
III. UNICORNS?
Are these unicorns or fauns cows or what? It took me a long while to try and figure out. I think that some more details need to be explained- what species your MCs are, why the magic laws were brought into place, why they were turned into wolves- and if Orean is the wolf, and gentle, why are people scared of him... there were a lot of things you need to tie up in this...
IV. OVERALL
It'll be good with some editing!
Hope I helped- drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella.