Venolf War - Chapters 1 - 6

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

They’re getting closer. They’re gaining on me, and fast. This is the third and probably the last time that these stupid, stupid electric creatures are chasing me. Twice I’ve gotten rid of them and twice they’ve found me again.

I glance back over my shoulder in time to see a tail shooting towards me, crackling with electricity. I run faster and zigzag, but to no avail. These tail missiles seem to have some sort of homing device in them. The tail strikes me squarely in the back, sending a quick and painful current through me. I gasp and stumble, almost falling over, but then I right myself, gritting my teeth. I glance up and see distant streetlights and buildings, the only things that show I’m in London.

We’re heading in the same direction as the last time and the time before. Whenever they chase me we always end up here. The trees are old and withered, covered in fungi and moss. There’re no birds, no animals, not even any insects. There’s no sign of life at all.

Suddenly, the indignity of being pushed and shoved around by things that are probably just about the same size as my hand rears up on its hind legs and hits me full in the face.

I turn around, snarling, but realize there’s no way I can take them all on at once with just my bare hands. I need to give them the slip one last time and seek shelter somewhere else, away from the overpopulated alleyways of London and away from the dingy forests and clearings hidden away out of sight.

Then suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see smoke coming out of a chimney that’s partially hidden behind a hill.

A house, here, in the middle of all this wasteland? I decide to head towards it. Maybe there’s someone in there who can help me. I speed up, hope giving me the energy I need to reach the house a long time before those annoying little electrocuters.

The house blends in perfectly with its surroundings. The front door is hanging off its hinges and one of the windows is cracked. The whole house looks as if it will collapse on the slightest touch. It looks totally uninhabited. But what about the smoke I saw, coming out of the chimney? Maybe it was just some fog or mist, and because I need help so desperately I imagined it was coming out of the chimney.

My gaze drifts back to the door, and to my surprise, there’s someone standing there, looking at me.

Hey afeefah Here it is, your long-pending review.

When he left, it’d been about 6ish. Now it’s a quarter to seven.

7pm exactly.

Venro grins mischievously.

“He was just toying with you yesterday.” Then to my look of confusion, “You were out for ages! It’s Tuesday!”

“I thought it was still Monday!” I exclaim.

I’m shell-shocked. Felcaw’s alive!

I stop. It doesn’t make sense going after him. He’ll come when he’s good and ready. Like I said myself, no point in getting myself killed for any reason.

“Hi,” he says, giving me a lopsided grin.
“Hi,” I mutter back, a lump forming in my throat. “How are you?” I ask.

“I’m fine,” he replies.

Felcaw is a year younger than me but he acts a lot older.

The video clip I’d seen a taster of as Venro had flicked past it was still showing.

“Rioting has ensued all over England as the public are beginning to realise the implications of shape shifting.

The group have taken over the building and the government have been forced to take extreme measures. They have told Britain’s police force that if anyone is seen shape shifting they are to be arrested. Tune in at 6 o’clock for the latest news updates. That’s all for now. Goodbye.”

It’s so quite I can hear myself breathing.

“Now we can’t even shapeshift without fear of being captured by the police.”

“Who are you?” he asks. This time the question is directed at Felcaw. He introduces us all, then asks a question of his own, totally at ease. “So, who are you?” he asks.

We catch up to Amrar and the man by himself exchanges a few pleasantries with him before asking him, “Amrar, who have you brought with you?” Amrar introduces us all.

The crowd that is gathered disperses and soon, Amrar, Felcaw and I are the only ones left. Feron has a large cut and blood is trickling out of it down his cheek but he doesn’t seem to realise.

Hey, so I've only read the first three chapter so far.
I don't want to talk about grammar, one, you've already got tons of corrections, and, two, that would take a bunch of time that I don't have at the moment.
Anyways, review chapter 1-3:

I think I like this. I mean, you have introduced some mythical, mysterious plot. But, sadly, I don't know where you're coming from or where you're going. I mean, you jump right into things. I don't even know your main character at all. I might suggest that you go back and explain certain things.
The man who she's living with, who is he and why was he so nice to her? She isn't creeped out by it at all? Just a suggestion.
I'll come back and read the others later!
~Classy

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed! Your advice is much appreciated!

Chapter 6

Seconds are minutes and minutes are hours as Venro and I wait for Seqain to return. When he left, it’d been about 6ish. Now it’s quarter to seven. We sit in silence, the only noise being the occasional sigh from one of us.

Any minute now, I think. Any minute now he’ll come bursting in through the door, and laugh at us for worrying he’d been caught or worse…

* * * * * *
7pm exactly. Venro stands up.

“I’m going to get him,” he announces.

I sigh inwardly. “Ven, just sit down! We’ll give him till half past then we’ll go, I promise.”

I look him in the eyes. This time, instead of pure loathing, I see respect. Wary respect, but respect nonetheless.

Venro sits back down, his eyes flicking to the clock every few seconds.

I almost smile. There’s no way he’s going to last the full half an hour without getting up to go at least twice. So I talk, to distract myself as well as him.

“Isn’t it hard fighting? I mean you’re a snake, but when you’re against someone who can change into a cheetah or something, aren’t you at a disadvantage?” I ask.

Venro grins mischievously.

“We could fight if you like,” he says, a hint of challenge in his voice. “That way, I can give you a live demonstration.”

“Go on then,” I say. I know I’ll probably get beaten but I reckon it’ll be worth it. It’ll pass time anyhow.

We change into our animal forms. It’s easier this time; it’s just like anything I suppose. Gets easier the more you practise.

We size each other up. I’m looking down on Venro. That helps. Gives me a bit more confidence. Then I pounce. Instead of moving away or to the side like I’d expected him to, he springs forwards to meet me, straight at my face. He coils himself around my face and throat, and begins to apply pressure. Then he stops and releases me. Dropping to the floor, he slithers around to face me.

“You see? Size isn’t everything. I could’ve strangled you or bitten you then,” he says, baring his fangs. “Let’s go again!”

As he finishes his sentence, he leaps at me but I’ve been expecting something like this. I duck, whilst running forward. I hear a thump as Venro lands on the floor. I twist around and flick him into the air. Then I catch in my jaws, holding him lightly between my teeth. Yes! I’ve caught him out! Then his head swings up and Venro latches onto my throat with his fangs.

“Truce?” he asks, letting my neck loose.

“Truce,” I reply, putting him gently on the floor.

We change back.

“You’re good,” he says grudgingly.

I try to hide my grin, but it bursts out and spreads over my face.

“But,” he continues, looking at me appraisingly. “You’ve got a way to go before you’ll be at Ashu’s standard.” I sober up.

“He was just toying with you yesterday.” Then to my look of confusion, “You were out for ages! It’s Tuesday!”

“I thought it was still Monday!” I exclaim.

“Nope. Anyway, as I was saying, Ashu was playing with you yesterday, just trying to test you out. I reckon, if me and Seqain fight you like I did now we’ll be ready to take him on, soon.” Ven finishes off with a savage grin.

”Let’s hope it’s sooner rather than later!”

Then the front door slams. We both jump and hear Seqain running up the stairs. He comes into the room, panting, his eyes wild.

“You’ll never guess what!” he says, gasping for breath. “Felcaw’s alive!
“What the…” I stand up, mind reeling in shock.

“But Venolf saw him dead! What’re you talking about?” Venro stops. “Why don’t you start at the beginning,” he says.

I listen to Seqain, dumbfounded. Seqain had gone into Ashu’s and seen Felcaw, bound in a chair. He said that at first he thought that it was someone who’d looked like Felcaw; I had described Felcaw to him. He’d flattened himself under the sofa and then he changed back into his human form. Fortunately, Ashu had his back to the sofa and was facing Felcaw. Felcaw realised that Seqain was there but didn’t give him away.

Seqain continued. “I decided to hang around for a bit and I saw Ashu shouting at Felcaw as he tried in vain to get out of the ropes. ‘Your friend thinks you’re dead! He’s probably dead himself, I near enough finished him off!’ at this point I thought that Felcaw would give up but, if anything, his determination seemed to swell. I knew I needed his help in understanding what had happened and who the person Venolf had thought was Felcaw actually was. When he looked at me, I mouthed, ‘Can I help you?’ He replied, ‘I’ve got a plan.’ I decide to get straight to the point. ‘Who was impersonating you?’ I asked.” Seqain stops to catch his breath; he’s been talking pretty fast.

I bite my lip. I’m getting impatient. The only thing that stops me from snapping at Seqain to hurry up is the fact that he’s been so nice. I let hope rekindle in my mind. Could Felcaw really be alive?

Seqain takes up from where he left off. “Felcaw pretended to sob and yelled at Ashu. 'I hate you! You and your flippin' Ampetrons!’ Ashu smiled. He couldn’t resist boasting. ‘Well,’ he said. You will hate me after what my Amps and I have done. Your stupid friend, or Seqain and Venro for that matter don’t know,' he said, sneering slightly. ‘They don’t know that the Amps can change into anybody they like!’ He crows triumphantly. When I heard that, I gave Felcaw the thumbs-up, got out of there and came here.” Seqain finishes off and turns towards me, grinning.

I’m shell-shocked. Felcaw’s alive!

“I’m going to get him,” I say, heading for the room door.

“Oh, by the way,” Seqain shouts, as I’m half-way down the stairs. “I told Felcaw where to find us.”

I stop. It doesn’t make sense going after him. He’ll come when he’s good and ready. Like I said myself, no point in getting myself killed for any reason.

I walk back up the stairs and into the room.

“Ven says you’re good, and since he basically never ever gives compliments, you must be pretty good,” Seqain looks at me, grinning when I shuffle my feet awkwardly and look at the floor.

Just then, the doorbell rings. Felcaw! I’m up and out of the room a lot faster than the other two. Getting to the door, I fumble with the lock, then I yank the door open and there’s Felcaw! He looks exactly the same as the last time I saw him.

“Hi,” he says, giving me a lopsided grin.
“Hi,” I mutter back, a lump forming in my throat. “How are you?” I ask.

“I’m fine,” he replies.

There’s a silence which neither of us know how to fill.

Thankfully, Seqain appears at the top of the stairs.

“Hi,” he says to Felcaw. “Coming up?” he asks us before disappearing back into the room.

I go first, taking the stairs two at a time. I don’t know quite what to say, so we walk up the stairs and into the room in silence. There’s something bugging me, I just can’t figure out what. It is there, in my head, but each time I reach for it, it slips away.

Seqain and Venro throw a barrage of questions at Felcaw and as he answers them, standing stiffly by my side, I rack my brains for what seems wrong. That’s it!

“How do I know you’re really Felcaw? You could just be an Ampetron impersonating him,” I ask Felcaw.

“I was waiting for that question,” he says. Felcaw is a year younger than me but he acts a lot older.

“I don’t really know what it is but Ashu, gloating like he always does, let something slip. He said the only difference is a mark on the left arm, just beneath the elbow. He was saying something about it being like a triangle and then he stopped, realising he’d given too much away. He didn’t seem particularly bothered, didn’t think I’d get away.” Felcaw grins triumphantly.

I punch him playfully. “Stop getting so big-headed,” I whisper. Felcaw’s grin widens.

“How did you get away?” asks Seqain.

Felcaw shrugs. “Simple,” he says. “I changed. When I’m an eagle, I’m smaller than I am now so I just wriggled out of the ropes.”

“That doesn’t sound like Ashu, making a stupid mistake like that,” Venro frowns.

“Another trap?” I ask. Seeing Felcaw’s confusion, I bring him up to date on everything that has happened when he was with Ashu. After I finish, Felcaw sits in silence for a moment.

“I hate this,” he says suddenly. “I hate all this trickery. Can’t we just go and…and…fight Ashu head on?”

To my surprise, Seqain is nodding his agreement.

“He’s right,” Seqain stands up. “Let’s go.”

Ven and I exchange surprised glances, then get up and follow Seqain and Felcaw out of the house.

When we reach Ashu’s house, we stand outside, straining our ears for any sound. After a while, I step inside and into the living room. Ashu’s not here. I hear the others join me.

“Let’s check the rest of the house,” I say.

We look all over the house but there’s no sign of Ashu at all. He’s not in the house!

We go into one of the other downstairs rooms and sit on the sofas.

“Well,” Felcaw says. “This is the first. Ashu never leaves the house.”

Venro puts his shoes up on the table and switches on the T.V, flicking between the channels.

“Stop!” I shout, eyes glued to the screen.

“What?” Venro says, startled.

“Go back a channel,” I say, eyes not leaving the screen. “This is the one!”

The others lean forward to watch the news report. The video clip I’d seen a taster of as Venro had flicked past it was still showing. It’s a short clip, about 10 seconds long, showing someone changing into an animal. The video repeats a couple of times, then a news reporter begins to talk in the background.

“Rioting has ensued all over England as the public are beginning to realise the implications of shape shifting. Scientists are stumped and no-one from the government has been available for interview as everyone has been called to 10 Downing Street for an emergency conference. Our correspondent is currently outside 10 Downing Street. Let’s talk to him now.” The reporter turns to the big screen. “What’s the current situation?”

“Well, the meeting should be finishing any minute now and we should be able to have a word with a member of the Parliament.” There’s a pause as he turns to look at the black door and has a few words with the guard who is stood outside. “I’m being told that the meeting has come to a close and the participants are about to come out.” The black door opens and people from the conference come rushing out. There is a collective gasp and the press which have gathered outside take a step back. Everyone from the meeting is pushing and shoving through the doorway, many of them have cuts and scratches. There’s a pause and then the press rush forward and there’s total havoc. Everybody is shouting questions, taking pictures. The camera picture wavers, then totally loses focus.

I look at the others. There’s silence.

“What the flip happened to them?” Felcaw says.

“I think we’re about to find out,” Venro indicates the screen.

We all turn our attention back to the T.V. The news reporter presses his hand to his earpiece, frowning slightly. “The government officials are saying they were attacked by the newly appointed security guards who, near the end of the meeting, shape shifted into different animals. They told us that their leader could shape shift into an alligator. The group have taken over the building and the government have been forced to take extreme measures. They have told Britain’s police force that if anyone is seen shape shifting they are to be arrested. Tune in at 6 o’clock for the latest news updates. That’s all for now. Goodbye.”

Venro switches off the T.V. It’s so quite I can hear myself breathing.

“This is great. This is absolutely great. Now we can’t even shapeshift without fear of being captured by the police. Can this possibly get any worse?” Seqain stands up and looks out of the window. “Hey,” he says, sounding puzzled. “Is it just me or is there a crowd of people out there?”

Venro, Felcaw and I join him at the window.

“You’re right!” exclaims Felcaw. Being an eagle, he has excellent eyesight. “There’s about…” He’s quiet for a moment, counting under his breath. “…twenty of them.” Felcaw looks at us. “Let’s go and see who they are!” And before we can stop him, he’s out of the house. We run after him but, when we get outside, there’s no sign of him. Then I hear footsteps behind me. Ashu? I stiffen. Felcaw!

“You absolute idiot! You scared me then! I thought you’d run off to see who those people are!” Felcaw looks injured. “How stupid do you think am? I know, I know they could be police, press, anyone.” He rolls his eyes and grins mischievously. I can’t help laughing. I can never stay angry with him for long. I grin back at him then turn to face the other two, an idea forming in my mind. I whisper to them for a moment, then look at Felcaw over my shoulder. “Let’s go and see who they are, shall we?” Then, pushing Seqain and Venro ahead of me, I shout, “Go!” We run towards the distant crowd of people. Felcaw doesn’t get it at first. Then he does. He chases after us, shouting, “Wait for me! Oi!” We carry on running; I’m well ahead of the other two. A shadow falls over me from above. I duck instinctively, still running. Something lands with a thump on my right shoulder. An eagle. It’s obviously Felcaw. “That’s not fair,” I complain to him, slowing down to let Seqain and Venro catch up. “You were supposed to run!”

“I gave up running a long time ago,” he replied. “When I found out I could fly!”

His claws dig into my shoulder as he takes off then alights on the ground. He shuts his amber eyes and then, brow furrowed in concentration, shimmers and blurs, shifting back into a boy. I reach down a hand to help him up. Then the four of us carry on walking. After a couple of minutes, we reach the group of people and stand a little way off from them.

“Wonder who they are?” says Seqain, voicing what we’re all thinking.

Venro indicates a man heading towards us. “I think we’re about to find out.”

There’s something about this man that makes me wary. Not his looks; he’s pretty ordinary, tall and well-built with green eyes and brown hair. No, it’s more like he’s not quite in control of himself, that he’s liable to blow at any minute.

“What’s your business here?” he asks gruffly. The others turn to look at me. Why, I don’t know, but they’re definitely expecting me to say something. With the green-eyed guy glaring at me, my friends staring at me, my mind totally goes blank. I’m standing here like an idiot, with my mouth open, but no words coming out.

“Well?” The man growls angrily, looking like he wants to rip me apart.

“Stop it Feron. You’re scaring them.” Someone else has joined our group. I give an inward sigh of relief, then look at the person I’m sure has just saved my skin. He’s tall and well-built too, with black hair and yellow eyes.

“Who are you?” he asks. This time the question is directed at Felcaw. He introduces us all, then asks a question of his own, totally at ease. “So, who are you?” he asks. I swear I see a hint of a smile on the man’s face, amused by Felcaw forwardness. But then it’s gone and I’m not sure it was ever there.

“My name is Amrar.” Amrar begins to walk towards a man standing by himself with Feron. “Come with us,” he says over his shoulder. We look at each other for a moment, then begin to follow Feron and Amrar. Just before we actually reach the solitary man, Amrar whispers something to Feron. Feron nods reluctantly, and walks off. We catch up to Amrar and the man by himself exchanges a few pleasantries with him before asking him, “Amrar, who have you brought with you?” Amrar introduces us all.

“This is Astro,” he whispers. “He is our leader.

He looks at us all in turn. “Can you shape-shift?” he asks.

The question is aimed at Felcaw. He turns to me uncertainly. Personally, I think we should tell Astro the truth but it’s not my decision alone. Venro looks at Seqain and gives me an imperceptible nod. “Yes,” I reply.

“How much do you know about your powers?” Astro asks.

“Not much.”

“Well, Venolf War, let me teach you and your friends what I know.” He sits down on the ground, indicating that we do too. Amrar sits with us.

“I don’t know how we have found the ability to shapeshift, whether it’s in all humans or just a select few. But what I do know is that characteristics from your shifted form are reflected in your human form and vice versa. Every shape-shifter can communicate with other shape-shifters. However, the further away people are from you, the harder it will become to communicate. It becomes easier to talk over long distances if you communicate regularly. It also seems that some, maybe all, shape-shifters have additional powers. We don’t know much about this though. Anyway, enough about that. I’m assuming you’ve heard about Kaflon, our new Prime Minster?” He carries on, oblivious to our confused expressions. “Well then, you know that he has kept the actual Prime Minister hostage.”

“We didn’t know that,” Venro says.

“Did you watch the news and find out about Kaflon?” asks Amrar.

“Yes,” Venro replies.

“That will be why you didn’t know then. No-one will be allowed to broadcast that information. Imagine how much public rioting would happen if everyone finds out that the government is obeying every demand Kaflon makes, just to save the PM.”

Astro and Amrar look at each other for a moment. Then Amrar stands up and indicates that we should come with him. We get up and follow him to where someone has pitched a tent. Inside the tent is Feron. Taking one look at us, he storms past us, pushing Felcaw roughly to the side. I’m about to protest angrily but Amrar’s eyes meet mine and he mouths, “Don’t.” I stop.

We watch Amrar pace around the tent, minds spinning. I reckon I’m wondering the same thing as the others are. Wondering whether I have powers and, if I do, what they are. I’m wrenched from my thoughts as Amrar speaks to the four of us, face averted. He’s at the back of the tent, hands stuffed in pockets.

“There’s something I need to…” Amrar’s interrupted as someone calls his name from outside. He hesitates then walks out, leaving us alone.

I hear commotion outside and instinctively head towards it, not stopping to see if the others follow. Blinking in the sudden light, I see two animals, a lynx and a large fox, fighting. The fox seems to have the advantage at the moment as the lynx is just lashing out, randomly. The lynx claws the fox across the face just as a black panther arrives, flicking his tail from side to side. I’m sure my hearing has got much better since I’ve found out how to shape-shift; I can hear the panther whisper to the fox, “Go, don’t make me force you. You shouldn’t be here in the first place.” The fox ignores him. The panther sighs then grabs the fox by the scruff of the neck and effortlessly tosses him to the side. Then the panther sits casually back on his haunches and shimmers and blurs, as does the lynx. Amrar and Feron! The panther and the lynx! The fox limps away, not bothering to shift back. The crowd that is gathered disperses and soon, Amrar, Felcaw and I are the only ones left. Feron has a large cut and blood is trickling out of it down his cheek but he doesn’t seem to realise.

Amrar turns Feron towards him, hands on his shoulders. I realise they’re about to have a talk, maybe an argument. Feeling decidedly uncomfortable, I walk back to the tent.

Chapter 1
They’re getting closer. They’re gaining on me, and fast. This is the third and probably the last time that these stupid, stupid electric creatures are chasing me. Twice I’ve gotten rid of them and twice they’ve found me again.

I glance up and see distant streetlights and buildings, the only things that show I’m in London.

We’re heading in the same direction as the last time and the time before. Whenever they chase me we always end up here. The trees are old and withered, covered in fungi and moss. There’re no birds, no animals, not even any insects. There’s no sign of life at all.

Suddenly, the indignity of being pushed and shoved around by things that are probably just about the same size as my hand rears up on its hind legs and hits me full in the face.

I need to give them the slip one last time and seek shelter somewhere else, away from the overpopulated alleyways of London and away from the dingy forests and clearings hidden away out of sight.

Then suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see smoke coming out of a chimney that’s partially hidden behind a hill.

A house, here, in the middle of all this wasteland? I decide to head towards it.

Maybe there’s someone in there who can help me. I speed up, hope giving me the energy I need to reach the house a long time before those annoying little electrocuters.

The house blends in perfectly with its surroundings. The front door is hanging off its hinges and one of the windows is cracked. The whole house looks as if it will collapse on the slightest touch. It looks totally uninhabited. But what about the smoke I saw, coming out of the chimney? Maybe it was just some fog or mist, and because I need help so desperately I imagined it was coming out of the chimney.

My gaze drifts back to the door, and to my surprise, there’s someone standing there, looking at me.

Hey afeefah! Sorry for the wait, but I’m here now

He seems to guess my thoughts and grins at me, baring his needle-pointed teeth, revelling in the fear I show through my barely concealed flinch.

My shoulders are throbbing with pain, and my vision is blurry, but I will myself on, each paw forward causing me to grit my teeth hard.

“Hi,” he says, smiling at me uncertainly.

I wonder why there’s uncertainty in his voice, but then I remember how last time he’d seen me, I’d been striding out of the door, absolutely furious.

I look even more puzzled. Then Venro begins to laugh too. Their laughter is infectious and I begin to laugh as well, gasping for breath. For a while, we’re just rolling around, clutching our sides, doubled up with laughter. Then I sit up and wipe my face. The others follow my lead, giggling weakly.

“Yeah?” says Venro warily...Maybe the kid Ashu was talking about was Felcaw, and the reason he realised he could change was because one day the Amps paid him a visit and…”

Venro looks at me, all rage gone from his eyes. “Well,” he says, “that’s that.”

Hello there! Roon here, at your request! I'll start with nitpicks, as before.

Little does he know how inexperienced I am.

I plan to get out of here then, from there, take it as it goes.

I hastily rearrange my expression but inside,

me mirroring Ashu’s every move.

I think to move, but before I know it, he’s leapt onto my back, his weight almost forcing me onto my stomach.

I stifle a growl of agony

This time my howl of anguish is ripped from my throat.

It echoes through the house, sounding like there are multiple wolves in the house, joining me in my pain.

Adrenalin fades away.

colours are flashing in front of my eyes

but I will myself on, each paw forward causing me to grit my teeth in pain.

I see the silhouette of Seqain and Venro’s house and half-limp half-lope towards it.

Reaching the door I thump it hard, then I collapse, utterly spent. Willpower alone has brought me this far. I black out.

I slowly come back around. Opening my eyes, I stare up at the ceiling. I push myself up, head swimming.

“Your…your face,” he splutters, eyes streaming with tears.

I look even more puzzled. Then Venro begins to laugh too. Their laughter is infectious and I begin to laugh as well, gasping for breath. For a while, we’re just rolling around, clutching our sides, doubled up with laughter. Then I sit up and wipe my face. The others follow my lead, giggling weakly.

“I think it’s about time we stop Ashu once and for all,” says Venro, a wild gleam in his eyes.

“Yeah?” says Venro warily. Then seeing my befuddled expression, he explains. “We were both staying with Ashu. We found out what he was planning when we overheard him talking to the Amps about another kid that could change. I already knew I could change but Seqain didn’t. We didn’t know each other that well then so I scared him into believing I was going to attack him and automatically he changed because he thought he was in danger. You normally discover your ability to change when you most need it: it’s like a defensive mechanism. Then we tried to fight Ashu but he was to strong and experienced. So we both legged it out of there. After a few days of sleeping rough, we found this place; it was abandoned. We’ve managed to make it inhabitable and now it’s the place we call home.” He stops, brow furrowed in thought. “You know what,” he says, “Maybe the kid Ashu was talking about was Felcaw, and the reason he realised he could change was because one day the Amps paid him a visit and…”

I carry on the thought for him. “…he changed because he was under threat! Then, when I found him and freaked out, running off to find a doctor, the Amps slipped in past the people I’d left on guard to herd him away…”

I know this sounds stupid, but why didn’t Ashu go after Venolf and finish him off when he had the chance?

He let Venolf come to us, knowing that we’d march straight into his hands afterwards anyway and he could kill us all at once.”

“I’d like to do it that way too, but there’s really no point in getting ourselves killed for no reason. Somehow I can’t see Ashu fighting fair and square; he’s bound to have something up his sleeve in case he starts to lose,” I say.

“What if he catches you? I’ll go. I’m a snake and I know the lay of the
land better than you do!” It’s obvious that he thinks of Seqain like his little brother even though Venro is probably only a few months older than him.

I do see Venro’s point but I think Seqain should be given a chance at least.

Both of them are my friends and I’m loath to support one over the other.

Venro whips around to face me, his eyes burning with hurt and rage. Rage at me, and hurt that Seqain is defying him.

I flinch from his words, avoiding Seqain’s sympathetic gaze.

Venro looks at me, all rage gone from his eyes. “Well,” he says, “that’s that.”

very nice! I like the dramatic scene where they realize they had changed into a wolf.

Chapter 5

Ashuthaka pads into the room, his eyes flashing with surprise as he realises I’ve discovered how to change. I can tell that he senses my inexperience. My initial confidence has faded and I’m still getting used to my new form. Let’s face it, there’s no way I’m going to beat Ashuthaka. I plan to get out of here. Maybe I can sneak around Ashuthaka somehow... I’m pulled out of my thoughts as I see Ashuthaka beginning to shimmer and blur. Curious as well as scared, I wait impatiently for him to stop shimmering. When he finally does, my jaw drops. He’s a cheetah! I hastily rearrange my expression but inside, I’m seriously beginning to doubt my chances of getting out of here alive.

Ashuthaka is sitting down, his tail lashing back and forth. He seems to guess my thoughts and grins at me, baring his needle-pointed teeth, revelling in the fear I show through my barely concealed flinch. Ashuthaka stands, balancing lightly on his paws. I stand too and we begin to circle each other. I mirror Ashuthaka's every move. Until he stops. He doesn’t even bother trying to shock me; he just paces forward, placing each paw with extreme care. I see him tense his muscles preparing to spring. Before I can think about moving he's leapt onto my back, his weight is almost forcing me onto my stomach.

Ashuthaka digs his claws into my shoulders and I stifle a growl of agony as he retracts them, then plunges them straight back in. I have to get him off me, and fast. I roll over, dislodging him and in the process, ripping his claws out from deep inside my shoulders. This time a howl of anguish is ripped from my throat. Then I spring to my feet, adrenalin rushing through me. I tear out of the room, down the stairs and out of the house.

After a while, when I realise I’m not being pursued, I slow down, to a lope, then a walk. The adrenalin fades away. My shoulders throb with pain, and my vision is blurry, but I will myself on, each paw forward causing me to grit my teeth hard. I see the silhouette of Seqain and Venro’s house and towards it. Reaching the door I scratch at it, then collapse, utterly spent.

* * * * * *

I slowly come back around. Opening my eyes, I stare up at the ceiling. I push myself up, head swimming. I’m in my human form. Seqain is the first person I see, on a bed opposite mine. He’s sitting against a propped up pillow. I look for Venro. He’s leaning on the windowsill, looking out. I’m reminded of Felcaw. I push him from my mind. Seqain realises I’m awake.

“Hi,” he says, smiling at me hesitantly.

I wonder why there’s uncertainty in his voice, but then I remember how last time he’d seen me, I’d been striding out of the door, absolutely furious.

“Hi,” I reply.

There’s an uneasy silence in which Venro turns from the window sill and realises I’m awake. Then both Venro and Seqain speak at the same time.

“You didn’t give us time to explain…we’re sorry, we should have told you what we were planning…” There’s another silence.

“What were you doing?” I ask, deciding I’ll give them the benefit of doubt for the moment.

“Basically,” Seqain says. “What we were trying to do was scare you into changing. Venro did it with me you see, but, for some reason, instead of getting scared, you got angry.”

“Oh.” I say. “Couldn’t you have just told me?” I blurt, before realising the answer.

“No,” Venro says. “It would’ve taken away the surprise aspect of it.”

“I realised.” I say, embarrassed at having asked such a stupid question. Seqain takes a look at me and bursts out laughing.

“What?” I ask.

“Your…your face,” he splutters, eyes streaming with tears of laughter.

I look even more puzzled. Then Venro begins to laugh too. Their laughter is infectious and I begin to laugh as well, gasping for breath. For a while, we’re just rolling around, clutching our sides, doubled up with laughter. Then I sit up and wipe my face. The others follow my lead, giggling weakly.

“Right,” I say, as the last of the laughter dies down. “What are we going to do about Ashuthaka?”

“Where did you go anyway? We heard a thump on the door and opened it to find you lying in a pool of your own blood!” Seqain exclaims.

So I tell them everything. About Felcaw, and what I’d realised about him. About how I’d found him, dead. Then about Ashuthaka and how I’d run away. I burn with shame at this point but I soothe my injured pride with, “If I hadn’t run away, right now, I’d be dead!”

I turn my attention back to Venro and Seqain.

“I think it’s about time we stop Ashuthaka once and for all,” says Venro, a wild gleam in his eyes.

“Took the words right out of my mouth!” I grin.

Seqain nods his agreement absently. His attention doesn’t seem to be on us.

“What’s up?” Venro asks, also realising that Seqain’s obviously thinking about something.

“Hmm…Sorry?” he says, snapping out of his reverie.

“I said,” replies Venro, “what’s up? It’s obvious you’ve got something on your mind.”

“Well,” says Seqain. “I was just thinking, you know last time we tried to take on Ashu?”

“Yeah?” says Venro warily. Then seeing my befuddled expression, he explains. “We were both staying with Ashuthaka. We found out what he was planning when we overheard him talking to the Amps about another kid that could change. I already knew I could change but Seqain didn’t. We didn’t know each other that well then so I scared him into believing I was going to attack him and automatically he changed because he thought he was in danger. You normally discover your ability to change when you most need it: it’s like a defensive mechanism. Then we tried to fight Ashuthaka but he was to strong and experienced. So we both legged it out of there. After a few days of sleeping rough, we found this place; it was abandoned. We’ve managed to make it inhabitable and now it’s the place we call home.” He stops, brow furrowed in thought. “You know what,” he says, “Maybe the kid Ashuthaka was talking about was Felcaw, and the reason he realised he could change was because one day the Amps paid him a visit and…”

I carry on the thought for him. “…he changed because he was under threat! Then, when I found him and freaked out, running off to find a doctor, the Amps slipped in past the people I’d left on guard to herd him away…”

Seqain joins in excitedly. “…but Ashuthaka hadn’t counted on Felcaw being able to change into a bird; he just flew away!”

“Yeah, but how did Felcaw end up with Ashuthaka then?” says Venro.

We ponder this for a moment.

“Maybe… Ashuthaka sent the Amps to tail him, then when he stopped to rest, they rushed him… there’s no other way they could’ve caught him, unless they could fly,” I say.

“That’s one thing I’m sure about,” says Seqain. “The Amps definitely can’t fly. But anyway, as I was saying, you know the time we tried to take on Ashuthaka and lost?” Seqain asks again.

“Yeah?” says Venro, “And?”

“He was way too strong for us then,” Seqain holds up a hand to stop Venro as he begins to speak. “And I know you’re going to say we’re stronger now and we’ve got Venolf, but I don’t like the idea of us walking straight into his clutches."

“He’s right,” I say to Venro. “He’s probably more than a match for us, and besides he’s got those Ampetrons.”

Venro gnaws his lip anxiously. “I still think we should just go and fight him head on…”

“I’d like to do it that way too, but there’s really no point in getting ourselves killed for no reason. Somehow I can’t see Ashuthaka fighting fair and square,” I say.

Seqain gets up. “I’ll go and see if he’s home.”

Venro begins to protest.

“What if he catches you? I’ll go. I’m a snake and I know the lay of the land better than you do!” It’s obvious that he thinks of Seqain like his little brother even though he is probably only a few months older than him.

I look from Seqain to Venro, then back again. I hesitate, not wanting to cause an argument.

“Ven,” I say cautiously. “I think you should let him go…”

Venro whips around to face me, his eyes burning with hurt and rage.

“Who cares what you think?” he shouts. “Who gives a damn? It’s nothing to do with you!”

I flinch at his words, avoiding Seqain’s sympathetic gaze. Evidently, he has been on the receiving end of Venro’s quick temper too. I feel tears beginning to well up in my eyes but I brush them away angrily.

Seqain turns to face Venro, and somehow his quiet fury is scarier than Venro’s blazing one.

“Ven,” he says quietly. “I’m going whether you like it or not.” With that, he gives me a smile and walks out. I hear him walk down the stairs and then the front door slams.

There's an uncomfortable silence between Venro and I. Venro seems lost in his thoughts and he avoids my gaze.

Then suddenly, Venro looks at me, all rage gone from his eyes. “Well,” he says, “that’s that.”

He sits down on the edge of the bed, and, like me, resigns himself to a long wait.

Hi afeefah! Nice to meet you! Thank you so much for replying to my thread, I’m sorry that it took a while to get to you. But let’s get started, shall we?

Nitpicks

The sun has been swamped by dark clouds and it’s begun to rain heavily.

Petrified. Every part of its body screams at it to move, but it’s rooted to the ground by its fear. [s]That’s what I’m like now.[/s]

The footsteps pace ever closer.

They’re almost up to the door when something in my mind begins to smoulder, then bursts into flame. Anger, that’s what it is. I fuel the flames with my fear and stand, head held high. Stepping back from the door a couple of paces, I search for the part of my mind that ignited my anger. It stirs, then abruptly comes to life, filling a hole I never even realized was there. It seems as if I’m a spectator, watching myself shimmer and blur, as a key turns in the lock of the door. I gasp. I’ve changed. I’m…I’m a wolf!

Hello, Roon here, at your request, thank you for being my first customer! First of all, it’s not boring, it’s really good! I’m going to commence with nitpicking now:

There’s a major hitch to my plan though.

Afternoon comes and goes and the skies begin to darken as I put the finishing touches to my plan.

I step gingerly through the doorway then stand still in the dining room, listening for any sign that Ashu might be awake.

There’s an eerie darkness about the house and I see Ashu everywhere as I creep to the stairs.

I’m about to step on to the first stair when I remember that it creaks.

My eyes find the banister and I pull myself on to it, then, crouching, begin to climb up.

My room is the first on the right so I open the first on the left instead.

I poke my head inside and hiss softly in disappointment.

Going to the next room on the left, I push open the door and sharply draw in a breath.

“Are you OK?” I ask. He looks at me and I feel a wave of relief.

I hug him tightly but then I feel something soak my shirt, sticking it to me.

I pull back, my hands automatically going to my shirt.

I bring my hands up to my eyes, knowing what covers them before I even see it.

I push him away, on the edge of hysteria and my best friend falls to the floor.

Felcaw’s eyes bore into me accusingly. You could have prevented this from happening, they say.

I grasp it and pull but the door doesn’t open.

I yank at it frantically but it still won’t yield.

I can’t take it any more.

I feel cornered.

I feed the flames, fuelling them with my fear.

It stirs, then abruptly comes to life, filling a hole I never even realized was there.

It seems as if I’m a spectator, watching myself shimmer and blur as a key turns in the lock of the door.

I’ve changed. I’m…I’m a wolf!

I feel as if I could run forever without tiring. I lift my head. I’m ready.

Thanks everyone foryour reviews, especially on Chapter One, I basically re-wrote it ! Music and Phantom,thanks for putting up with my typos and grammatical errors.

Thanks again!

Afeefah

Hey, like you've been told by other reviewers, the 2:1 ratio.
Also, I only read the first chapter, like other people noted, people in general are lazy; when they see a large chuck of writing, it can immediately turn them off.
Ok, the first chapter was good, didn't read the others so I pretty much know nothing of the character(s), the world they're in, the time or the plot. I think a prologue would have been nice to introduce why those creatures are there and why the world is like it is. Something just to get people interested and get them some background knowledge.
I think if you had posted each chapter as a seperate post, I would maybe have read and reviewed each one. Seeing all the chapters lined up here in the replies and seeing the enourmour amount of writing just makes me not want to read it.
Good piece, keep writing.

Hey! Sorry it took me so long... =/
I fell off the edge of the world. Yes. There's an edge. XD
So, here goes

Standing up, I stretch and yawn loudly. Then I head towards Ashu’s.

My eyes find the banister and I pull myself on to it, then, crouching, begin to climb up.

My room is the first on the right so I open the first on the left instead.

Chapter 4

It’s almost twenty to three when I leave Seqain and Venro. The sun has been swamped by dark clouds and it begins to rain heavily. I walk a fair distance away from the house, head bent against the howling wind and rain. Coming to a stop, I sit under a withered tree, its bare and spindly branches offering no shelter at all. I’ll go to Ashuthaka’s at nightfall, I decide. That’ll probably be the best way. I could search through the house quickly and quietly, and be out before Ashuthaka realized I’d even been there. There’s a major flaw to my plan, though. Where will Ashuthaka be when I’m searching through his house? I don’t relish the idea of bumping into him in the dark.

Afternoon comes and goes, and the skies begin to darken, as I put the finishing touches to my plan. Standing up, I stretch and yawn loudly. Then I head towards Ashuthaka’s. After a couple of minutes hard walking, I find myself in front of the house. I step gingerly through the doorway, then stand still in the dining room, listening for any sign that Ashuthaka might be awake. There’s an eerie darkness about the house, my imagination runs wild. I see Ashuthaka everywhere as I creep to the stairs. I’m about to step on to the first stair, when I remember that it creaks. I look up at the flight of stairs despairingly. How am I meant to get up there without bringing Ashuthaka running? My eyes find the banister and I pull myself on to it, crouching, and begin to climb up.

I reach the landing and step softly down into the corridor. My room is the first on the right, so I open the first on the left instead. I poke my head inside and sigh in disappointment. There’s no one in here. Going to the next room on the left, I push open the door, and sharply draw in a breath. There’s someone in here, leaning on the windowsill. I’m about to call out, then I think better of it. I slip inside the room and walk quickly towards the person. I reach out and clamp a hand over the person’s mouth to stop them crying out. Turning the person towards me, I see it’s Felcaw.

“Are you OK?” I ask. He looks at me and I feel a wave of relief. I hug him tightly but then I feel something soak my shirt, making it stick to me. I pull back, my hands instinctively going to my shirt. I bring my fingers up to my eyes, knowing what covers them before I even see it. My hands glisten in the moonlight, wet with blood.

“Felcaw?” My voice is shrill in the silence. He falls forward, his eyes open and unseeing. I push him away, on the edge of hysteria, and my best friend falls to the floor. I back away, my mind refusing to acknowledge what my heart already knows. I’m too late. He’s dead. Felcaw’s eyes bore into me accusingly. You could have prevented this from happening, they say.

I turn around and reach for the door handle. I grasp it and pull, but the door doesn’t open. I yank at it frantically, but it still won’t yield. I’m locked in, with my best friend’s corpse. I can’t take it anymore. Even with my back to the body, I can still feel Felcaw’s eyes on me, merciless and unforgiving. I sink to my knees, my head resting against the cold wooden door. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try in vain to banish the images of my dead friend from my mind. Then I hear light footsteps, reverberating faintly through the solid oak door. It can only be Ashuthaka. I'm cornered. Now I know what a mouse feels like when it has been spotted by a snake. Petrified. Every part of its body screams at it to move, but it’s rooted to the ground by its fear.

The footsteps pace ever closer. They’re almost up to the door when something in my mind begins to smoulder, then bursts into flame. Anger, that’s what it is. I fuel the flames with my fear and stand, head held high. Stepping back from the door a couple of paces, I search for the part of my mind that ignited my anger. It stirs, then abruptly comes to life, filling a hole I never even realized was there. It seems as if I’m a spectator, watching myself shimmer and blur, as a key turns in the lock of the door. I gasp. I’ve changed. I’m…I’m a wolf! All my senses are heightened and I feel as if I could run forever without tiring. I lift my head. Let’s see Ashuthaka do his worst.

This is one of the first stories I've read on YWS. I really enjoyed it, a brilliant plot where anything could happen next. However I am a freak of detail and would love to know a bit more during the events in the story such as the expressions and thoughts of the other characters.

Please keep up the good work!:D
I look forward to reading the next chapter

Hello, Afeefah! Music- here as requested. Sorry I'm a bit late on this, as I was out of town.

On to the review!

Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

I wake up, and, for a moment, stare around in confusion before remembering where I am. <--Why don't you add a little description about the room here? Is sunshine beating through sheer curtains, or completely blocked out? What color walls or blankets does the room have? Add a little of this. (:

Looking around, I see that there is a plate of [s]lasagne[/s] lasagna on the bedside table.

“That’d be great!” <--Before Venolf answers, why not include some of his thoughts as a reaction. Because, right now, it sounds like he's sarcastic right now, but he may not be. Giving us his reaction in his mind beforehand will show us his real intentions behind his answer.

Surprised, I knock on the door. <--I don't really get his motives of knocking on the door here. Is it the only house for miles around? Does it look empty, and he's making sure? I just don't see why he'd knock on a random house's door.

Venro opens his mouth to reply, but I launch myself at him, knocking him to the ground. An Ampetron flies over us, its unsheathed claws missing me by [s]millimetres[/s]millimeters.

Seqain begins to shimmer and blur again as he turns back into the brown haired boy I had seen in the doorway. I don't like the repetition of ''shimmer and blur'' here. Why not find a similar phrase to replace it?

And I'm back with CHAPTER THREE! Lets go, shall we?
Same correction technique applies as in chapter two, so you know.

I blink in surprise. Having not eaten last night, my stomach is rumbling loudly and I’m almost faint with hunger.

Then after a while, I get up and begin to pace the room.

“That’d be great!”

the door flies open to reveal a boy that looks about the same age as me. He’s a medium height and has brown eyes. His hair is brown, too.

“Mine’s Seqain. He,” says Seqain, indicating Venro, “is called Sevenroth but he prefers Venro.”

Seqain turns to face the Ampetron as a scorpion.

The Ampetron advances slowly, placing each paw with infinite care. Then Seqain lunges at the Ampetron and misses! Or so it seems until he whips his sting around, embedding it deep in the Ampetron’s neck. It lets out an unearthly shriek and collapses.

This is basically how I'd met Ashu and it turns out; if these two are to be trusted, he's some bad guy.

I punch him in the arm. He writhes in mock pain so I punch him again. Venro jumps me from behind and I fall off the sofa, pulling Seqain down with me.

“Hey,” I grin. “Two against one! No fair!”

I get to my feet and reach out a hand to pull Seqain up.

It’s kind of like…”Seqain tails

Hey! Basket here. Got your message. Thanks for asking me do this! I need something to take my mind off life. God, I'm glad I love editing.
My corrections are going to be the bold within the quotation boxes. Anything I feel I need to add, will be under the quotation box. Sound good?
Great. Lets get started.
CHAPTER TWO!

His hair is golden too, but, here and there, there’re black streaks in it.

“Creatures…back there?” I indicate with my thumb, pointing behind myself, over my shoulder.

Ashu sweeps them into a pile and places them on a wooden mantelpiece above the fireplace.

I sink into one of the two chairs, either side of the table.

to release the frustration that’s pent-up inside me.

I take a deep breath. Then another. Then another.

I almost snigger. I mean, come on! What kind of name is that?

“How was I supposed to know?"

Ashuthaka changes the subject. “So how did you meet them? I thought that I was the only one knew about them?” He breaks the silence that had fallen in between us.

My room is spacious and quite cosy.

I turn to thank Ashuthaka, but he’s gone.

okay...this might sound like a broken record so i'll change it up a bit.
I TOTALLY AGREE WITH MARS!!! i'm a really slow reader and i need more time. so far the first chapter is good. a few grammitical errors...i get those all the time(stupid buggers)
THE PLOT WAS PRETTY GOOD. i say beef it UP!!!
other than that
NICE WORK
~Cookies

Chapter 3

I wake up and, for a moment, stare around in confusion before remembering where I am.

I look at my watch.11:00am. I blink in surprise at how late it is. Having not eaten last night, my stomach is rumbling loudly and I’m almost faint with hunger.

Looking around, I see that there is a plate of lasagna on the bedside table. I pick the plate up; it’s cold. Probably here from last night. I begin to wolf it down, finishing it in about two minutes flat. I lean back against the headboard, my raging hunger now satisfied. Soon after, I get up and begin to pace the room.

About five minutes later, Ashuthaka comes in.

“Hungry?” he asks.

“No.”

“You can stay here if you want,” Ashuthaka says suddenly. “I’d enjoy the company.”

Compared to living in an alleyway for a long time, this place is amazing so I jump at the chance to have a room here.“That’d be great!”

I wander out of the house, wanting to stretch my legs. Walking aimlessly around the barren land, I come across another house. If you'd have told me there was one house around here I would laugh at you, never mind two.I knock on the door, curious to see who the occupants are or if this is an abandoned house.

I stand there for a while, staring at the chipped and cracked door. Just as I’m about to turn around and head back to Ashuthaka’s, the door flies open to reveal a boy that looks to be the same age as me. He’s a medium height and has brown eyes. His hair is brown too.

“There you are Venro! I was…” says the boy, tailing off as he realises I’m not Venro. “Err…do I know you?” he asks.

I’m just about to answer him when his gaze shifts over my shoulder and I turn around to see what he’s looking at. Turns out it isn’t a what, it’s a who. Standing behind me is a lanky boy with striking emerald eyes and a mop of black hair.

“You took your time Venro! Ashuthaka’s found another kid!”

“What!?” Venro exclaims, running a hand through his hair. “We’ve been looking for ages and we haven’t found anyone at all!”

Another kid? Ashuthaka’s? Well, that could only be me, but there are loads of people who live in alleyways, so why hadn’t they seen anyone at all? Wanting to make sure the kid they are talking about is really me, I blurt out a question, bringing unwanted attention to myself.

“Erm, when you say another kid, do you mean me?” I ask, addressing the boy in the doorway; he seems the more approachable of the two.

“You’re the new kid?” Venro asks, looking me up and down.

“Yeah,” I reply, uneasy under his scrutiny.

“So, what’s your animal?” the other boy asks.

“My animal?” I reply. “What d’you mean?”

“You know, the one you can shift into?” Venro says impatiently.

The brown haired boy turns to Venro.

“He doesn’t know! I didn’t either, remember?” He turns to me. “What’s your name?” he asks.

“Venolf,” I reply. “Venolf War.”

“Mine’s Seqain. He,” says Seqain, indicating Venro, “is called Sevenroth but he prefers Venro.”

“OK, now the introductions are over, we have to decide,” says Venro, looking at Seqain.

“Decide whether he’s trustworthy? Come on Venro, we’ve just seen him and you want to pass a judgment on him already?” protests Seqain.

Venro opens his mouth to reply but I launch myself at him, knocking him to the ground. An Ampetron flies over us, its unsheathed claws missing me by millimeters. I roll off Venro in time to see the Ampetron colliding with the door. Seqain shimmers and blurs as the Ampetron rights itself, hissing angrily. I’m about to get up and try to help but I feel a hand on my shoulder. It’s Venro.

“Seqain can handle this,” he says quietly, pulling me back down beside him.

Seqain turns to face the Ampetron as a scorpion. The Ampetron advances slowly, placing each paw with infinite care. Then Seqain lunges at the Ampetron and misses! Or so it seems until he whips his sting around, embedding it deep in the Ampetron’s neck. It lets out an unearthly shriek and collapses.

Seqain shifts back into the brown haired boy I had seen in the doorway.

I turn to Venro.

"I can turn into an animal!? Really? What animal? What do you turn into? How come I didn't know? How does Ashuthaka..."

Seqain cuts me off, laughing.

"Hey, calm it! Venro can show you what he changes into inside and we'll try to answer all of your questions!"

I hesitate. This is basically how I'd met Ashuthaka and it turns out; if these two are to be trusted, he's some bad guy.

Venro sees me hesitating and puts an arm around my shoulder.

"C'mon! You don't have to stay here or anything if you don't want to," he says, pushing me gently towards the door.

The inside of the house is pretty basic but it has a homely feel to it. There’s a faded caramel sofa and a wooden coffee table that’s in the middle of the room. Venro and Seqain throw themselves onto the sofa. I throw myself down in between them, grinning. Already, I feel more at home with these two than I have been with anyone.

“So...” says Seqain. “Your questions? And one at a time, mind!”

I punch him in the arm. He writhes in mock pain so I punch him again. Venro jumps me from behind and I fall off the sofa, pulling Seqain down with me.

“Hey,” I grin. “Two against one! No fair!”

I get to my feet and reach out a hand to pull Seqain up.

Throwing myself back onto the sofa, I ask, “How do you know I can turn into something?”

“Ashuthaka got his Ampetrons to track you down,” says Venro.

“The Ampetrons are under Ashuthaka’s control?” I ask, getting side tracked.

“Yeah,” replies Seqain. “He sends them to hunt the person he wants down; once he knows who it is, of course. That way he’s got no risk of being identified as the bad guy.”

“What do you turn into?” I ask Venro.

He gets up and sighs. “You’ll see.”

Venro begins to shimmer and blur.

“He’s so cool!” Seqain whispers.

Venro’s a snake! But not any old snake; he’s a cobra. His eyes shine a vibrant emerald green and his skin is an inky black. I kneel down beside him, then turn to face Seqain.

“If I talk to him, will he understand me?” I ask.

“Yeah, he will be able to. Only because you can turn into something though,” Seqain replies.

“Are you sure I can turn? I mean, Ashuthaka could be wrong.”

“Me and Venro have tested you, but even before that, we were pretty sure; Ashu’s rarely wrong.”

“What do you mean, tested me?”

“It’s hard to describe,” he replies. “It’s how we look for other people like us. It’s kind of like…”Seqain trails off, trying to think of a way to put into words what’s in his mind. “…like a brush of the mind, then an instant yes or no; it’s instinct really. Ashu has it stronger then anyone I know.”

Turning back to Venro, I see that he’s changed back. He nods at me.

“What?” I ask.

“You can definitely turn. I could understand your every word.”

“I don’t know how to turn though.”

“I didn’t either,” says Seqain. “We can’t show you how to change, but we can give you a nudge in the right direction.”

I see them shimmer and blur as they begin to change. Seqain into a golden scorpion, Venro into a cobra.

“What are you going to do?” I ask.

Neither of them answer. Then they began to advance. The scorpion with its sting raised high, the cobra with its emerald eyes glittering maliciously.

I begin to back away, my throat dry with fear. Why did everyone I trust betray me? The people I’d trusted with Felcaw, my best friend, when he was ill, let him escape before I could find a decent doctor. Then Ashuthaka with his false kindness and hospitality. And now these two. The people that I think can help me, become my friends, are merely using me too? My fear turns into anger. At myself, for being so trusting of almost everyone I meet. At Ashuthaka, Seqain and Venro for betraying that trust. Then, in the midst of all my anger, a thought occurs to me. Maybe Felcaw hadn’t been ill after all…

It was a normal day and I’d just come back from a foraging trip. I went into the alleyway that was mine and Felcaw’s ‘home.’ I found Felcaw eating a dead rat. I totally freaked. Fearing that my only friend was losing his sanity, I’d asked some people that I’d known to keep an eye on him while I searched for someone who used to have a profession as a doctor something. After hours of fruitless searching. I came back to my ‘home’ to find that Felcaw had gone. The people I had trusted with him claimed that they hadn’t left the mouth of the alleyway but that was the only way he could have escaped. Or was it? Maybe he can change into a bird or something. That’ll also explain the rat. Then I have a horrible thought. What if Ashuthaka had found Felcaw too? I stride past Seqain and Venro, sparing them a disdainful glance.

Okay, just a quick one for a quick chapter. I think it's good, although I would like to see the imagry of the electro cutters some more. i have no idea what youre running from, or what you're running from... that are the electrocutters, why are they chasing you and why are you runing in other words. Tat might bulk up the chapter a bit, although it is still painfully short. Try and add in some feelings for you character; make us feel like we're there, and running alongside her. What are the emotions that surge through her as she runs; try and flash back to the first reason of why she is running, so we know.
Right now, we know nothing, and it's frighteningly hard to see what ou mean, and why you're running if you don't tell us!

Well, that's all I can add, because it was short. try and make it longer, or squash some chapters together, which would make each chapter more that a page or two.
or, alternatively this could be a prologue, and the other chapters are longer? I don't know, it's up to you really!

Hello! Music, here as requested!


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

I turn around, snarling, but [s]realising[/s]realize there’s no way I can take them all on at once with just my bare hands.

But what about the smoke I saw, coming out of the chimney?

My gaze drifts back to the door, and to my surprise, there’s someone standing there, looking at me.

The person is tall with yellowy-golden cat-like eyes. His hair is golden too, but, here and there, there’re black streaks in it. I don't like that you described him like this. Why not show his looks in actions, such as saying, "The man stares at me with golden, cat-like eyes."

“Hello?” <--Specify who said this.

“Well, are you going to introduce y’self or stand there [s]gawping[/s]gaping at me until I drop dead?”

Ashu sweeps them into a pile and places them on a wooden mantelpiece above the fireplace. <--You cannot refer to him as Ashu yet, because your MC doesn't know the man's name yet.

“…You were the only one who knew about them?” [s]He’s looking[/s] He looks at me with an amused expression on his face.

Ashu changes the subject. <--I don't like that you give Ashuthaka a nickname. The MC should ask Ashuthaka if he can call him Ashu for short (which I don't think he'd do- he's so intimidated) or Ashuthaka needs to tell your MC to call him that. “So how did you meet them? I thought that I was the only one knew about them[s]?[/s].” [s]He breaks the silence that has begun to stretch out in between us.[/s]He breaks the silence that overwhelmed us a few seconds before. [I like the flow of this better]

Chapter 2

The man stares at me with golden cat-like eyes. His hair is golden too, but with black streaks in it.

“Hello?” the man says.

I look away and shiver. Not because it’s cold, but because of this person’s voice. It’s cold and commanding. I shiver again and glance back at the person.

“Well, are you going to introduce yourself or stand there gaping at me until I drop dead?”

I snap to attention. This man isn’t someone whose bad books I want to get into.

Then everything comes rushing back. Why I’m here in the first place and the danger I’m in. I turn around, expecting to see a yellow lightening bolt shaped creature leaping at me. But to my surprise, they aren’t there. I blink. I squint. I rub my eyes. They’ve gone! Just…just like that!

I turn back around to face the person again.

“Creatures…back there?” I glance over my shoulder anxiously, wondering where they've gone.

“Come in, come in.”

He leads the way inside and I follow him warily. Strewn on the wooden table are a number of papers. He sweeps them into a pile and places them on a wooden mantelpiece above the fireplace.

I sink into one of the two chairs on either side of the table. My head is swimming and I can’t make sense of what’s just happened. I fight the urge to yell or scream, in some way to release the pent-up frustration inside me.

I take a deep breath. Then another. And another.

The stranger speaks again.

“What is your name?”

“Venolf,” I reply.

“Your second name?”

“War,” I stare at him defiantly, daring him to make a crude comment. He merely raises his eyebrows and looks away.

“My name is Ashuthaka.” His voice rings out and echoes in the silence that follows.

I almost snigger. I mean, come on! What kind of name is that?

“So, you’ve seen the Ampetrons, have you?”

That wipes the smile off my face. Completely. There can only be one thing he’s talking about.

“They have a name?” I ask curiously.

“It’s what I call them,” Ashuthaka says.

“So you’ve seen them as well. I thought…” I trail off.

“…You were the only one who knew about them.” He looks at me with an amused expression on his face.

I scowl at his expression, immediately on the defensive.

“How was I supposed to know?

Ashuthaka changes the subject. “So how did you meet them? I thought that I was the only one knew about them?” He says, breaking the silence that has fallen in between us.

I open my mouth to tell him what had happened, but before I have the chance, he speaks again. I’m beginning to get more than a little irritated with him. I’m already worn out and his interrogation of me isn’t helping.

“But I’m forgetting myself! I have a room upstairs if you’d like to stay the night. Tell you what, I’ll show you the room and you can get comfortable while I bring you something to eat. How does that sound?”

“I…I…Thanks!” I say, taken aback by the generous offer.

“No problem. I haven’t had a visitor since, well…” Ashuthaka trails off. His almost white lips pull back in an inhuman snarl, revealing pale pink gums and teeth that seem abnormally sharp.

He regains control of himself and gestures towards the stairs.

I follow him up them and the only noise I can hear is the creaking of the stairs and the steady rhythm of our footsteps.

Ashuthaka steps into a wide corridor and pulls open a door on the right.

“This room is yours,” he says.

The room is spacious and quite cosy. I step onto the cream carpet and walk over to the window, basking in the light coming through the cream curtains. In one corner of the room there’s a bed, and beside it there’s a small cabinet. I see flames crackling in a fireplace identical to the one downstairs, but smaller.

I turn to thank Ashuthaka but he’s gone. I didn’t hear him leave. I hadn’t heard him when he had come to the front door the first time I’d seen him either.

All of a sudden, I feel exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. I stagger over to the bed and kick off my trainers. Getting under the covers, I promptly fall asleep.

Welcome to YWS!

Like Mars said, there's a 2:1 review ratio here. Spread the love! Review other people's works and put yourself out there.

The other thing is, and this is a personal pet peeve of mine, please don't put "please R&R" in your title. People who are going to review are still going to review and people who aren't still won't. I actually make it a rule never to click on things that say "R&R" and half the reason I ended up clicking this one time was because (a) you're new and (b) to tell you this. There's a review board on YWS where if you want critiques, you can go ask them from specific people.

So, yeah. I rarely review things that say R&R on them — in fact, I kind of make it a point to ignore them — and I'm sure I'm not the only one. The "please R&R" is kind of implicit in posting it here in the first place. : )

Anyway! Now that I'm here, I might as well talk about the story. I'm only going to review the first chapter, and I do second what Mars says: post the first chapter first! Honestly, few people have the time to go through and review four chapters in one go and it's kind of overwhelming to click on a thread and find the first twenty pages of a novel posted here. Post it in pieces! I think (I hope) you'll have a lot more success with that.

This is the third and probably the last, if I can’t head them off anytime soon, that these stupid, stupid electric creatures are chasing me.

Bzzzzzt!

Their tails are the worst thing about them. Even worse than their unsheathable claws which are about a foot long, mere contact would break skin. Their tails though, can shoot off and be used as missiles. As soon as it touches something, or, as in my case, someone, it gives them, or it, an electric shock. I should be grateful really, that it doesn’t set me alight or anything and it isn’t strong enough to kill me either.

Whenever they chase me we always end up here, in this area full of trees and hills.

That might sound nice but it isn’t.

. But today, I really can’t be bothered. I decide to let them take me where they want.

. But it seems like they are in no hurry.

I turn around, snarling, furious at myself for even thinking of surrendering to these irritating little creatures, but at the same time realising there’s no way I can take them all on at once with just my bare hands.

need to give them the slip one last time and seek shelter somewhere else, away from the overpopulated alleyways of London and away from the dingy forests and clearings hidden away out of sight.

Thanks for the feedback. im not really that good at grammar and stuff so your help is really appreciated. i'm going to leave the first four chapters on and cut the others out, i haven't actually finished my story yet so i need to keep people interested! i've changed the bits you thought needed changing. when you've read a bit further on could you tell me what you think of the plot. is it too slow moving? Thanks again!

Hey! (I adore your avatar.) So, a couple of technical things to point out:

1. On YWS, we like to spread the love. Keep a 2:1 reviews to works ratio; that is, for every work of your own you post, review two others.

2. People are lazy! A huge chunk of writing, like what you've posted, can turn reviewers off, because it's so long and will obviously take a ton of effort. It's easier to get reviews if you break it up, so you can post chapter by chapter, or whatever. Maybe check out what some other people do.

I'm one of those lazy reviewers, so I'm only going to do the first two chapters for now, and then I'll come back and finish.

This is the third and probably the last, if I can’t head them off anytime soon, that these stupid, stupid electric creatures are chasing me.

Twice I’ve gotten rid of them

Their tails, though, can shoot off and be used as a missile.

Even worse than their unsheathable claws. The claws are about a foot long and mere contact would break skin.

shoved around by things that are probably just about the same size as my hand, rears up on its hind legs and hits me full in the face.

The front door is hanging off its hinges

But the smoke I [s]had[/s] saw,

Maybe it was just [s]been[/s] some fog or mist,

with two chairs, one at each end, (comma) and a fireplace.

What kind of name is that!?

I trail off.