Hello! I'm back to crit your second part. ^_^ *begins to read*
Crescent View High school was the most segregate school on the planet; racially and socially.
"Segregate" should be past tense.
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I didn’t understand why people would separate themselves from people who were different from them
The repetition of "People" is a bit bothersome. Here's a suggestion: I didn't understand why some people would separate themselves from others who were different from them.
My mom and I use to spend hours in the studio dancing, she was phenomenal and I wanted to be just like her.
Here you can use a semicolon. Also, it should be "used" rather than "use." When we speak, you cannot really hear it's past tense, but it is.
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but also awaiting a yes so I could get of that hellhole!
I think you're missing the word "out."
![Very Happy :D](./images/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif)
The blatant hellish bell for the end of the day was probably worse that standing next to the fire alarm
![Embarassed :oops:](./images/smilies/icon_redface.gif)
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He stared at me for a while trying to find maybe any distress in my expression He ran his fingers up and down my arm and grinned sorrowfully.
There's a period missing in the midst of these words.
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Every morning, I saw him take these little white pills every morning
Teehee, choose a place.
![Wink :wink:](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
And still to this day I still like holding a razor to my wrist of sticking my head in the trash compactor.
This sentence is a bit confusing. Maybe rewrite this.
![Confused :?](./images/smilies/icon_confused.gif)
I opened the front door to the smiling 27 year old sprawled out on our couch,
“Hey babysis,”
Missing a couple periods here.
Overall, you did very well. The one thing I'd like to mention is the couple really long paragraphs in the beginning and end (I'm sure you can find them yourself
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Paragraphs usually start every new idea. Take this paragraph for instance:
My brother was a statistic before he even turned fifteen. He was sleeping with girls, drinking and doing drugs. Not to mention, he was an exact replica of our father. We had the common sibling rivalry until I turned nine and everything changed. I used to look up to my brother back then and he would teach what I wanted to know. Every morning, I saw him take these little white pills every morning and I asked what they were for. He said it was to make him feel good, and he gave me some to try. For three months he continued to give me these pills, and I felt great except for the muscle twitching. When (Put "then" here instead)he stopped giving them to me [and], I crashed. I was in bed for days and I was having [a] seizure. Finally he took me to the hospital and I could see how scared he was. The doctor told me I was being withdrawn from Methamphetamine. That word didn’t really mean much to me then (Not a paragraph here, but...check it ^^ )I was older to realize what my brother had done to me. And still to this day I still like holding a razor to my wrist of sticking my head in the trash compactor.
AHHH! Lol, see what I mean? Where the bold is (except the last one)--that's where I suggest starting a new paragraph, but you can make changes to your liking.
Other than that, you did very well. Let me know when you have more--I'd be happy to review. ^^
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
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