Not sure where this is going...Crits would be lovely. =]
“We’re not making any progress,”
Judge Matheson’s eyes expressed annoyance at my gum-chewing, snapping, and popping. He pushed his glasses back unto his nose and his magnified grey eyes stared in my green glare, looking for some sort of remorse, which he never saw. He sighed and began to scribble down on some paper. I removed the gum from my mouth and stuck it on the shoe of the lucky bastard who fell asleep behind me, unfortunately for him with his feet up.
“Ava, you’ve been expelled from your high school and placed in Buffalo’s House for troubled teens. I hope I’ll never have to see you again. Court adjourned.”
The mallet against the wood was a familiar sound, almost like a farewell, until the next time someone pissed me off. I grinned a little and thanked him with my middle finger as I escorted out by two overly macho police officers.
The effect of being sent to detention center hadn’t really hit me until the bus to hell was in front of my house. I didn’t cry. Two flasks of pure alcohol were enough to make me numb and maybe just a little tipsy.
After bidding my farewell to my family I hopped unto the bus. Apprehension took over when I realized I was not the only one fucked up. I scanned the bus for an empty seat. I found a match in the back; I collapsed into my seat and looked over at the pothead I was sitting with. Kurt Cobain’s voice serenaded him as his pearly blue eyes looked up through his sandy blonde hair. He even kind of looked like Kurt, well, minus the eyeliner. I tried to shake it from my head but as I looked at him I heard those cheesy wedding bells in my head. I laughed to myself and relaxed in my seat. A few minutes later, I passed out and luckily, woke up as soon as we arrived at the house.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The house has upset my expectations. It seemed almost…cozy. The last detention center I was residing in was on the contrary. The leaky roof and lovely pit-bulls were its only best attributes. There was no doubt in my mind that our caretaker was a pedophile. The daily odor was the lovely scent of bodily fluids in a toilet that refused to flush.
This new place, I was a little confused about. The grass was almost too green and there wasn’t a straw out of place. It seemed impossible to walk from the end of the driveway to the front door of the house in less than five minutes. The bus pulled up to the front of the house and this scrawny guy climbed on. I laughed to myself as I looked at this guy. Was this whole thing a joke? He gave the impression that he was as fucked up as the rest of us. He scratched his full head of messy brown locks. His bloodshot brown eyes glared around the bus at the stranger.
“Hey, I’m Theo. Um, this isn’t the detention center if you’re smart enough to realize that. My dad runs this place. He thinks he can “fix” you. But we all know that’s impossible…”
A relaxed expression appeared on my face as I watched him fidget about with a sly grin on his face. The atmosphere of the bus became at ease, since the normal first impressions were screaming, hitting, and name-calling.
“Follow me, I’ll show you misfits to your rooms.”
There were about twelve of us. There was no difference between us and kids in a candy store as we glanced around at the luxuries that were to accommodate us. The floor was marble and the ceiling was unreachable. He led us up the staircase to heaven, or whatever was waiting for us up there.
“There’s six rooms, don’t be idiots.” He began to walk down the stairs, he stopped and turned around.
“This time we’re avoiding gonorrhea and pregnancies so no co-ed rooms. Dinner’s at seven” He made it all the way down the stairs before we all began to move.
Sophie was my roommate. Her features were soft and innocent. Perplexity ran through my veins and I tried to reason why she would be here. Her blue eyes enlivened her pale face. Milky blonde strands were joined in a high pony tail that bounced when she walked. We harmonized easily as crude humor and being attracted to Theo only some of our similarities. Within the first hour of familiarizing, we knew almost everything there was to know about each other.
She was caught vandalizing, or “creating a depiction” as she described, on the side of her school. Ten times. I guess you could say she wasn’t one of those people who learned from their mistakes. But I shouldn’t be one to talk.
“Should I change?”
Sophie had just finished putting up a poster of Kurt on our door. She looked at herself in the mirror and released a sigh.
“Darling, you’re stunning!” I exclaimed with humor, but sincerity.
She grinned and we meandered through our journey to the dining room. Apparently, we were fashionably late. All eyes were on us as we were the last to seat our selves.
I'll definitely add more. I'm getting some ideas now! =] If anyone else has any ideas, help me out!
It's a bit rushed, but overall it's well written. There's not much else I can say because there isn't much here, but I'd like to see you continue on with it. You could use a bit more setting and emotion, but the spark is there. You could expand on this for sure. And then you could make this go somewhere! Right now it just kinda fizzles out. I'd definitely like to see this lengthened.
And for some grammatical errors:
Period instead of a comma.
Onto* instead of unto*
Seems like you're missing a to be verb here.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Good story, funny too.
Desperate to know what happens next to Ava.