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16+

Satirical Desposition

by aelihe


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

I describe myself in satire, something I know you won't understand. Anything I could do, to push yourself away from me. Anything to do about my nasty habits or my repulsive nature. Anything I could do to not confront our own feelings, one that you said you had but only sounded like a distant hum from the noisy static of the televised world. You are not for me, and you let me know that every time I let you down. Yet you keep coming back. Like pangea colliding once again, you are my continent. But we were bound to drift, in theory.

You told me you loved me tonight. You whispered it in my ear while I pretended to be asleep. As your words echoed into my ear, I forced my body to be still. It was a private conversation that I had been too nosy to ignore, like listening to people talking to one another on a subway, and I wasn't sure what response to say, anyways. Eventually I know you'd say it to me while I was awake, and I couldn't decide if I was happy I had time to figure it out or if I was upset that I'd only hear the words while I secretly deceived you.

This is what it feels like. This is the negative feeling I always wanted, the ultimate betrayal. “This is the kind of love I want,” I said, “one where I can only expect a text when I know you've done something really awful.” nobody understood, but I felt love only when your lips grazed hers or when I found lipstick stains on your sheets. Then, and only then, I knew both how much and how little I really meant to you.


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1134 Reviews


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Thu Jul 19, 2018 1:40 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! And welcome to the site! (I know you've been here almost a month, but still) :D

I love reading anything about love/anti-love and I thought this was an intriguing concept for a piece. I saw in the description for this that it's something you wrote when you were 16 and in a bad relationship. I think it's powerful that you were able to turn your experience into a piece of prose because unfortunately many people go through bad or unhealthy relationships when they're young.

I really liked the first paragraph because I thought it set up the unhealthy paradigm really well.

You are not for me, and you let me know that every time I let you down. Yet you keep coming back. Like pangea colliding once again, you are my continent. But we were bound to drift, in theory.

That sums it up beautifully. Both people know it's not healthy, and yet they keep coming back to one another.

I thought it was interesting that after "you" (I was going to say the guy but I guess you never say if "you" is male or female so I don't want to assume) said "I love you" it wasn't immediate gratification for the narrator and rather more of a dilemma. I also thought it was interesting that "you" is cheating and yet the narrator says they "felt love only" when they would discover it. It still plays into how unhealthy the relationship is though. It makes me want to know more about the narrator and how this relationship formed.

Overall, I thought it was a thought-provoking, interesting piece. I hope you're doing better now! :) Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




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Fri Jul 13, 2018 4:22 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there, aelihe! I thought I'd drop by and give this a quick review today. It was pretty interesting and well-written, and it made me think, so I figured it was a good candidate for a review. :D

So first off, like I said, this made me think! In just a few paragraphs, you manage to capture your perspective on love, and it was somewhat different from other perspectives I've read before. That's a big deal - it's not actually easy to do and do uniquely.

What really helped you succeed was your specific imagery and examples. I really liked the analogy of "noisy static of the televised world" as well as the kind of love you say you wanted at the end. Both of those were clear, concise images that really got your point across.

I describe myself in satire, something I know you won't understand. Anything I could do, to push yourself away from me. Anything to do about my nasty habits or my repulsive nature.

This opening confused me at first for a really simple, little reason - although most of this is told as if you're still currently in the relationship, "Anything I could do" is past tense, and I really feel like it should read "Anything I can do".

I also thought that your second sentence "Anything to do" was a bit weak, because it didn't follow the same format of "Anything I could do." Breaking the symmetry like that really broke the flow, and that's not what you want to do except for effect. That sentence was also not right next to you saying "I describe myself," so it wasn't immediately clear that you were bringing up your nasty habits because you were saying you described them to him whenever you could.

I was upset that I'd only hear the words while I secretly deceived you.

Again a little bit of tense confusion - "hear" should be "heard"

It was a private conversation that I had been too nosy to ignore, like listening to people talking to one another on a subway, and I wasn't sure what response to say, anyways.

I also found this sentence a little bit odd - if you're the one being noisy, how is that stopping you from ignoring the hypothetical conversation? It should be the conversation that's too loud to ignore. Also, "response to say" reads a bit awkwardly.

I know this focused more on line-by-line things, but this is short enough and well-written enough that's all I had left to critique! Again, I thought the concept of this was interesting and done better than a lot of others I've read. It's a good insight into a person's motivations, and I could see it becoming part of a larger romance story. Let me know if you have any questions about what I said, and keep writing!





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