The Hilken Boy
BY Adrian
"Come near me, child.
Closer, so I can whisper in your ear.
Your cheek is cold and oh so white.
Follow me for warmth.
Your mother won't mind.
She told me so.
Please, undo your coat.
Would you like some cocoa?
The sun is falling.
Night will be upon us soon.
Stay, sweet child.
Please, stay.
Give me your hands.
I can read your fortune.
Your hands, they're so cold.
Don't shiver.
Tired, fragile child?
Lay your head on the pillow."
Exhausted, the child slept
while the old man left.
***AUTHOR'S NOTE***
This poem will be my "pet project." After enough critiques are posted, I will then take them and use most of them. Then I will re-post. I will do this continually until I feel, and you feel, it is done. I thought this would be an interesting, new thing. Also, this poem is based very, very loosely upon Changeling.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It sort of seems like death, but then I can't be certain. I'm not sure what I think. On one hand it seems to be lacking so much of what poetry generally has, so that I get nothing from it, but then on the other hand I think it has a story that needs to be scratched out.
More than anything, what do you want your reader to feel when they read this? Because the first time I read this I was confused. I didn't understand how that was the ending. It seemed a little weak, or flat. i think if you used more imagery, such as with the cold, the touch of palms, the feeling of being tired, it would have more life. As it is, it's too bare to really strike me with anything. It needs to be bulked up and given life, I suppose. Sorry my explanation is so bizarre, I'm rather tired.
Perhaps one more go at it, with the thoughts of your reader in mind? I'm not certain what you intended with this. I can't even be sure of what it is about, if it is even about anything more than what is in the text its self. And since I haven't seen Changeling, I don't know if you're going to something specific, or what. Don't try to rest your poem against something else; it should stand on its own.
Hopefully that made sense! Good luck!