Take me to a place with no name
hold my hand while you bring me there
let me escape this god-forsaking place.
Take me to a place with no name
not space
not the universe
not heaven
nor hell
but a place with no air.
hold my hand while you take me there
to a place with no name.
there i shall be free
free with you and me.
high passed the sky,passed space,pass the universe where i watch my love ones pass me by.
As i have no chance to say goodbye and distance myself from souls before they distance themselves
from me.
i take your hand as you take me to a place with no name.
far away from the fist filled with hatred that wont quit beating,
mother crying,
brothers fighting,
all the running and hiding,
separating myself before they separate themselves from me.
I'm sick and tired from all the screaming,yelling,hiding and crying,letting my life slip away with
an ease as i poison myself and release myself from my childhood memories and rejections.
take me to a place with no name
while i hold your hand
only me and you together
on a journey
to
a place with no name.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, I read your poem and it was wonderful! It had a brilliant flow and really went deep if you get my meaning. Only think I'd say is your grammar (I'm hardly one to judge, I'd be lost without spell check!). I noticed a couple of times you put 'i' and not 'I'. But that's the only thing you need to work on, otherwise...PERFECT!!!! Keep writing, Moonstar x
Hey...nice poem their which has great potential for improvement.Here are some points you would probably like to work on.
Use correct punctuation.Don't forget to insert the full stops and commas where required.
far away from the fist filled with hatred that wont quit beating,
mother crying,
brothers fighting,
all the running and hiding,
separating myself before they separate themselves from me.
These lines don't fit in the rhythm of the poem if you compare it to the previous lines with the same shape.They sound like heavy statements and break the natural flow of the poem.
"letting my life slip away with "
Try replacing this with " I let my life slip away with",and put a full stop after crying.See if it makes a bit of a difference.
I could really understand the narrators need to escape from his/her current life.
I formed this kind of an image about the shape of the poem:
The narrator is dreaming of going to the place with the person who will take him/her there and feels like he/she is flying to that place.