Astray

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I was lost… like a leaf feels when it withers off of its tree into the late September breeze on a mild sunny day. The obscurity surrounding me gave me a startle as the few memories I had left of whatever my life was before flashed through my mind. Then it dispersed…slowly and steady, and without my permission. Nothing was lucid to me and I felt a strong throb in my head, as if a million hammers were taking turns assaulting it. I felt the shrill drumming of my heart vibrating through me and suddenly, my whole body tensed up… as if it was no longer under my control. The atmosphere around me was closing up, as if something was stealing all of my oxygen and little by little, what was left of my air didn’t fully flow through my system. My breathing felt heavy, and my chest gave out in pain. Nothing was working… then suddenly, my ears picked up the sound of a car and my body loosened, as if the strange force that had overcome it before had now disappeared. I heard the car come to an abrupt stop and my body felt light, as well as my eyelids. Slowly, I opened them to see the driver was a hot guy in a football jersey and long jeans. His face was streaked with blood and sweat and his breathing was tedious, his eyes droopy. I lifted my head a bit, which made him snap his head toward me.

“Delanie! Thank god!” he said. He looked intensely toward me with such passionate eyes and I felt so stupid, not knowing who he was and why he looked so relieved. He touched a cold finger to the side of my face, which is when I realized that I was bleeding.

“Oh my god, I have to get you to the hospital!” he said, caressing my chin. My mind went blank, and as if the force had taken over again, my eyes felt dreary and my breathing felt arduous, loudly thumping through me in sync with my heartbeat. Then, I heard the hot guy shout “Delanie!” as my eyelids took over and I went unconscious.

Fragments of what I called my ‘before-life’ flashed through my mind as I was unconscious, but they always disappeared too fast for me to catch them or lock them into my memory. Suddenly, I was in a dream… a dream in which I was aware I was in but didn’t know how to get out. The only thing my memory stored was the guy in the car. He had curly black hair and brown eyes, talked with a very deep voice and was quite tall. He had a little bit of a mustache and a little stubble on his chin. But who was he and how did he relate to me? Not having time to swarm around more questions, I fell helplessly into a deeper sleep, one that had no exit signs.

Hello,

*Clicks the 'Like' button*

Wow. I won't nit-pick because other have already. Though I will say that the '...'s annoyed me a little. Other than this though, I think your description is fascinating and beautiful and you really drew me into the story, please PM me if you write more. I think this would work well as a prologue as it is a bit too short for a first chapter but that descision is ultimately up to you

Keep Writing,
~Lydia

Slowly, I opened them to see the driver was a hot guy in a football jersey and long jeans. His face was streaked with blood and sweat and his breathing was tedious, his eyes droopy. I lifted my head a bit, which made him snap his head toward me.

“Delanie! Thank god!” he said. He looked intensely toward me with such passionate eyes and I felt so stupid, not knowing who he was and why he looked so relieved. He touched a cold finger to the side of my face, which is when I realized that I was bleeding.
“Oh my god, I have to get you to the hospital!” he said, caressing my chin. My mind went blank, and as if the force had taken over again, my eyes felt dreary and my breathing felt arduous, loudly thumping through me in sync with my heartbeat. Then, I heard the hot guy shout “Delanie!” as my eyelids took over and I went unconscious.

Fragments of what I called my ‘before-life’ flashed through my mind as I was unconscious, but they always disappeared too fast for me to catch them or lock them into my memory. Suddenly, I was in a dream… a dream in which I was aware I was in but didn’t know how to get out. The only thing my memory stored was the guy in the car. He had curly black hair and brown eyes, talked with a very deep voice and was quite tall. He had a little bit of a mustache and a little stubble on his chin. But who was he and how did he relate to me? Not having time to swarm around more questions, I fell helplessly into a deeper sleep, one that had no exit signs.

September...


I was lost… like a leaf feels Right, you can personify this without using 'like a leaf feels' because realistically - leaves don't have feelings so we'll never know. when it withers To me, withering is becoming old and wrinkly - so i'd simply use 'falls'off of its tree into the late September breeze on a mild sunny day. The obscurity surrounding me gave me a startleI don't know what it is, but that phrase just doesn't work in my head. as the few memories I had left of whatever my life I'd use 'WHAT my life was...'was before flashed through my mind. Then it dispersed. Slow and steady, and without my permission. Nothing was lucid to me and I felt a strong throbbing in my head, as if a million hammers were taking turns assaulting it. I felt the shrill drumming of my heart vibrating through me and suddenly, my whole body tensed up don't need ellipsis hereas if though it was no longer under my control. The atmosphere around me was closing up, as ifyou're using far too many similes - if you make it fact it will seem more tense to the reader. something was stealing all of my oxygen and little by little, what was left of my air didn’t fully flow through my system. My breathing felt heavy, and my chest gave out in pain. Nothing was working, then suddenly, my ears picked up the sound of a car and my body loosenedI'd use 'relaxed', as if the strange force that had overcome it before had now disappeared. I heard the the reader was never aware of a car, so it should be 'a car' car come to an abrupt stop and my body felt light, as well as my eyelids. Slowly, I opened them to see the driver was a hot guy I don't know, this just seems a bit too blunt.in a football jersey and long jeans. His face was streaked with blood and sweat and his breathing was tedious, his eyes droopy. I lifted my head a bit, which made him snap his head toward me.
“Delanie! Thank god!” he said. He looked intensely toward at me with such passionate eyes and I felt making me feelso stupid, not knowing who he was and why he looked so relieved. He touched a cold finger to the side of my face, which is when I realized that I was bleeding.
“Oh my god, I have to get you to the hospital!” he said, caressing my chin. My mind went blank, and as if the force had taken over again, my eyes felt dreary and my breathing felt arduous, loudly thumping through me in sync with my heartbeat. Then, I heard the hot guy Once again, this just ruins the flowshout “Delanie!” as my eyelids took over and I went unconscious.
Fragments of what I called my ‘before-life’ flashed through my mind as Iwas layunconscious, but they always disappeared too fast for me to catch them or lock them into my memory. Suddenly, I was in a dream… a dream in which I was aware I was in but didn’t know how to get out. The only thing my memory stored was the guy in the car. He had curly black hair and brown eyes, talked with a very deep voice and was quite tall. I think there should be a more detailed description and maybe have a description earlier, instead of referring to him as 'hot guy'He had a little bit of a moustache and a little stubble on his chin. But who was he and how did he relate to me? Not having time to swarm around more questions, I fell helplessly into a deeper sleep, one that had no exit signs.[/quote]

Overall, I do think this is really good and well written. I think it will work as either a first chapter or the prologue so I wouldn't worry about it too much. The only problem I had with this was the use of similes - there were far too many of them so it became over explanatory. Try to make it fact.
Maybe add a little more description as well, where is she - what's she doing there? The same with the 'hot guys' appearence.
However, I do want to read the rest of this and find out what has happened.

Tgis has such wonderful description for the most part! Your writing is breathtaking! Though, you do use alot of '...' which is okay in some cases, but you need to watch where you're using them.

Slowly, I opened them to see the driver was a hot guy in a football jersey and long jeans.

Then, I heard the hot guy shout “Delanie!” as my eyelids took over and I went unconscious.

Not having time to swarm around more questions, I fell helplessly into a deeper sleep, one that had no exit signs