continuation from chapter 1, and if you dont imminently pick up on this this is a flashback. it flows smoothly chapter too chapter i think
Chapter 2 (TWO WEEKS EARLIER)
Since six o’clock this morning, I had managed to put my car’s engine back in and now that it was in the car I couldn't’ get the thing to turn over. I had spent two months rebuilding the entire engine, but now I could not get the car to start. I rested my head on the steering wheel for a moment, thinking that I had probably made a mistake somewhere. Once more I turned the key; nothing. I slid out of the seat and examined the engine once more. All the pipes and wires were in, the alternator was new and on and the radiator was attached. Everything seemed perfect. Sliding out from underneath the car, I got up and walked over to the fridge. Opening it, I looked inside. Nothing but soda. Damn. No water either, even worse. I walked back over to the car. As I was looking under the hood, I found my problem. The battery was missing. “Ha, I'm such an idiot”, I snickered. “How did I miss that?”
“What’s so funny?” a voice said from behind me.
I turned to see Emily, standing right next to the battery I needed to start the car. She stood there, giving me a look that definitely said she was not happy. I smiled and grabbed her hand, pulling her over to the car.
“Hop in and turn the key.”
She did as I told her and turned the key. “It didn’t do anything”, she said.
“Exactly. The battery isn’t connected”, I laughed. I picked up the battery and connected it. “Try it again, one more time”, I instructed her. The key turned and the car came to life.
“O my god that is amazing, Kyle. How did you do that?”
“Do what?” I asked.
“How did you turn the car on? I mean, you have been working on it for over a year”
“Well I didn’t turn the car on, you did”
Pulling her out of the car, I reached in and pulled the key out of the ignition. “What’s with the long face? You definitely don’t look happy”.
“Well, for one, I'm mad at you”
“Why are you mad?”
“Well, you forgot what today is, didn't you?”
I stood there puzzled.
“Let’s go Emily, we don’t have all day. The game starts in an hour. Get your friend and let’s go”, someone yelled from outside.
I checked the calendar hanging on the wall. “Shit”, I muttered under my breath. Peering out the window of the garage, I saw Emily’s boyfriend sitting in his new sports car with two other guys.
“Let me guess; today is the day we go to the soccer game, right?”
Tapping her foot she said “Yes, and, it’s a football game” rolling her eyes when she said football. I followed her out of the garage door onto the driveway. She stopped and I kept walking. Noticing that I was still walking towards the car, but she wasn’t, I turned around and asked, “What?”
“You’re filthy” she said.
“No, I'm not” I argued.
“Yes you are, look at you self.”
Peering down at myself, I noticed I was covered in grease and dirt. “I guess you’re right. I am.”
“Let's go, girls. I don’t have all day.” Andrew rudely insisted.
“I’ll see you in half an hour, I need to clean up.” As I turned, I could see she had already run to the car and was sitting in Andrew’s lap. As Andrew sped down the road, I thought about how much I hated seeing Emily with him. The two had been dating for only a few day, but it still made my blood bubble.
I grabbed a rag from the garage and tried to clean my hands as I went into the house. Walking into the bathroom, I took off my shirt and turned the water on. I threw the rest of my clothes on the floor and hopped into the shower. I got cleaned up and hopped down the stairs, struggling to get my pants on. As I headed out the door, I pulled my favorite blue t-shirt over my head and grabbed the keys to my Jetta. Stepping barefoot onto the porch, I ran to the garage and jumped into the car. Quickly putting on my shoes, I started the car and slowly backed out of the garage and then sped down the road in the direction of the stadium.
Twenty minutes after leaving, I arrived at the football game. The place was packed but I got into the stadium right before the game started. I scanned the crowed and then looked in the direction of the bleacher All of Emily’s and Andrew’s friends were sitting at the top. I headed over to the steps and proceeded up to where everyone was sitting. Grinning I greeted everyone with a wave.
“Hey Emily” I said, as I gave her a hug.
Andrew gave me a look. But I brushed it off and thought nothing of it. After all, the two were sitting together with their arms around each other. Why should he be mad? Finding a seat behind everyone I sat down. No one was sitting next to me, so that meant I sat alone, again.
“Hey Kyle, how’s it been? I haven’t seen you outside of school in a while” Ben said.
“It’s been good”, I said, “and you?”
I didn’t really watch the game; instead I sat there thinking about Emily.
Emily and I met in the third grade. She was a new student. Our teacher, Mr. Storm, made us introduce ourselves while Emily stood in the front of the room listening. I sat in my chair, staring at Emily. Watching her, I came to the conclusion that she had other things on her mind, something about her eyes said so. Emily had wavy blonde hair and the brightest blue eyes I had ever seen. She was wearing a yellow sundress with white shoes. But, above all, I couldn’t get past her eyes. They were so fascinating
“Kyle . . . KYLE”, Mr. Storm yelled.
“Umm, yes”, I responded.
“Emily would like to hear a little something about you.”
I stood up and began to speak. “I can solve a Rubix Cube, I know sign language and I play the piano.”
“Thank you, Kyle”, Mr. Storm responded.
I sat down. I looked up from my desk to see Mr. Storm speaking to Emily. Then he turned to the class, “Now that Emily has gotten to know a little bit about all of you, she will say something about herself.”
Quietly Emily spoke. “Umm I’m Emily. I moved from Maryland. I was a cheerleader at my old school and I love music.”
“Thank you, Emily. You may sit down now”, said Mr. Storm. She walked to the back of the room and sat right next to me. My heart jumped.
“My name is Emily E. Halton”, she whispered.
I smiled and turned toward her, “I’m Kyle P. Spark.”
“Is that all you can do? Solve a Rubix cube?”
“No, I can do a lot of things”, I said. Since then, we’ve been best friends.
That was basically the highlight of the first half of the game. I got to sit there and think. The score was 21 to 7, our school in the lead, but I didn’t care.
“I need to stretch. Do any of you want something to eat or drink?”
I was bombarded with orders from everyone. I wrote down on my hand what everyone wanted. Five hot chocolates, two pretzels, one soup, and a candy bar.
“I’ll help”, Andrew volunteered.
“Great”, I said as pleasantly as I could.
We walked down the steps and circled around the corner to the back of the bleachers. As I walked with him he started to slow down and talk.
“I just wanted to let you know I’ve seen the way you look at Emily and I’m not going to put up with it. She’s mine and that’s final. And just to make sure you remember I’m going to give you a warning”, he said.
I was stunned. This guy was nuts. Before I could say anything, his fist met my face, hard. I went down on one knee. The pain was terrible. I stumbled to my feet before being pushed underneath the bleachers. I was back on my feet now and saw the next punch coming. I ducked, but not soon enough and was hit in the temple. My head hurt so badly. Falling to my hands and knees, Andrew kicked me in the gut. I got up, but I wasn’t up long. Andrew put his foot on the side of my body and gave me a hard shove, so my face hit the ground.
“You stay away from Emily.”
Before turning away, I gritted my teeth and asked him if that was the warning. He laughed and disappeared into the crowd. I slid over to the wall and propped myself up. I sat there for a while before digging my phone out of my pocket.
“Emily, I’m not feeling well. I have to leave a little early, ok?”
“I know. Andrew told me. That’s too bad.”
“Yeah it is”, I said and hung up. I struggled to my car and drove home. As I rode home, all I could think about was the pain I felt. Not on the outside, but inside. Emily sat in the bleachers, snuggling next to that monster and I couldn’t do anything about it.
For the next few weeks, I wasn’t able to get out of bed and look in the mirror without cringing. My body was sore and the bruises were bad, but I had to go to school in pain whether or not I liked it. I pretended everything was fine and didn’t show any pain. But I was hurting, physically and mentally.
I didn’t know what I had to do to get Emily to dislike Andrew and like me but I knew doing nothing wouldn’t help. She was only going to get hurt.
chapter 3 soon i nned to finish up to chapter 5 by next week for my report, i dediede to sumit my book as my writing peice
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Alrighty, here at last. Ha. Off I go…
*Bursts out laughing* Okay okay, this was sooo perfect. I love it. BUT, the comma goes inside the quotes.
The voiced asked him.
No need for a comma after Emily.
Well, isn’t she the genius of cars? Ha. Remember, comma inside the quotes.
Period instead of a comma, and it belongs inside the quotes.
No no! You did not forget the H on the oh? Did you? Please tell me that was an accident.
Comma inside the quotes.
You forgot some things here. 1. the punctuation after game. And I think you should reword the tag. Something like: ,” she said, rolling her eyes. Leave out the football part.
Uhh. Hmm. Is this really realistic? If Kyle is your average car guy, being all greased up is a normal thing for him. He’d go to the freakin’ mall covered head to toe in grease…but maaaybe that’s just the guys I know.
Days. And, blood bubble? Really? Can you think of something else to express his anger?
First, I woke up. Then I brushed my teeth. Then I puked at how boring my life is.
See? This is what your passage sounds like. One boring thing after another. No emotions, just actions. Try working this out a little better. And a jetta? Woo! Ha.
This sentence doesn’t really make any sense. Try rewording it.
Comma after hey, because he is addressing Emily.
This is pointing out the obvious. Try not to do that.
Comma after Hey, because he is addressing Kyle.
I think there’d be an exclamation point, not a comma. And that would be inside the quotes.
Do I even need to say it?
This could be one sentence. Like: I sat down and looked up to see Mr. Storm speaking to Emily.
Period.
Okay, well. As I read through the rest, I saw a lot of punctuation’s that go inside the quotes, but I didn’t feel like pointing them out. Also, spell out numbers and okay. Your descriptions about the pain Kyle felt during the fight, they weren’t very strong. Maybe go back and add a few things. PM me with questions about that if you want me to go into more detail about that.
That’s all I really have to say about this. I hope Kyle gets a new girlfriend, Emily is not worth it.
Oh, and I like the car thing. It’s a very attractive trait in a guy. *Smiles*
[/quote][/quote]
Good luck with this!
I haven't read the first chapter yet, but I thought you did fairly good job, the characters came together well, and I think you put alot of thought into how you'd develop kyle and his thought process. They your character defiantly was beaten but did not give up certainly gave it a great affect. I'm looking forward to reading what else you've written
This is the worst thing i've read in my whole life!!!!! Just kidding. Hey- It's skylar. Glad to see you've joined the society. Check out the rest of my writing in the fantasy fiction genre. The Bire Burns Deep chapters (0), (1), and (2). Also my poem titled "Red" in the lyric poetry genre. Note: Look for the "storybooks" in the all categories at the bottom. Everybody has there own character and they make the story together. Its a lot of fun. Note: I'm in study hall right now, il be seeing you at lifting in like 15 minutes. My storybook is called "Atlantis"