OK so i updated my fist chapter thanks to the help of my comment. and im posting chapter 2 and 3 in a different thread
CHAPTER 1(ANDREW)
Andrew, as you may already know, was Emily’s boyfriend.
He was someone that I did not particularly like. Despite my thoughts, it did not change the fact that girls adored him. He was the perfect guy. The complete opposite of me. He played baseball, had a nice smile and had one of the best bodies in the school. I didn’t play any sports, I am that guy who is little different from everyone else, and I was one of many that was hidden by Andrew shadow. He always wore the best clothing and had the nicest shoes. He was the stereotypical jock. I’ve disliked Andrew since we were in fourth grader. We became acquainted on the school playground, when I ran across the bridge straight into him, hitting him head on. I fell right onto my butt and so did he. I got up ready to apologize, but met Andrew face to face. “You stay out of my way”, he said, giving me a shove as he pushed past me. I learned my lesson that day. That, however, could not stop me from witnessing the parade of adoring fans he calls friends.
Unfortunately, a few months ago, my problems with Andrew started all over again when my best friend Emily started dating him. This was nothing like running into him on the playground either. This involved Emily. Too shy to admit my love to her I had too, now watch the girl I love, date the man I hate. Asking myself why I was doing this I came up with only one answer, Emily. I had gone through so much before casing after her and I wasn’t willing to give up just yet. Unfortunately, neither was Andrew. And for all I knew, this could be just like last time we were together; a battle between Andrew and I. A replay of the football game.
Pulling into the parking lot, I immediately found a spot in the back. I wiped out my phone and dialed Emily’s number. While the phone rang I looked around the car and waited. I had tossed my book bag, papers, clothing and the occasional food wrapper on the floor. The car was a mess.
“Hello”, Emily said
“I’m here”, I said.
“Great, meet me in the usual spot” she answered, laughing as she hung up the phone.
I smiled to myself, there was not usual spot.
Emily wanted me to find her. I had made up a game like hide and seek to play in the mall when we were in middle school; and we had played it ever since. She roamed the mall until I found her, or that’s how it was suppose to be. I was never any good at hide and seek nor the game I had made. The game more went along the lines of, Emily hides until she gets bored and looking for me. All I usually do is walk around the mall, looking lost, as I try to find her.
“This is going to take a while”, I muttered under my breath. Getting out of the car I walked up to the building and placed my hand on the door handle.
Closing my eyes, I opened the mall doors and stepped into the air conditioned building.
if you dont already know chapter 2 is now posted as my book, chapter 2 "to scared to say it"
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i"m new to writing, but I read a ridiculous amount of books, it's okay to disregard any advice I give you it's only my opinnion. Andrew is not truely hateable yet, I don't know his story, how he treats people, and how he acts. Emily is not developed, shes blank, and of course she needs an identity. Is she kind, active, energetic, sarcastic, brave, what you should add is some history between the two, you don't just fall in love with someone and not know why. Also I really like to read how, when, and why Andrew asked her out. If it was infront of your main character i'm sure we could hate the guy a little more.
First off, and I just really need to say this, guys don't think other guys have great bodies. There. Other than that, they don't like shoping, at least not the average ones. Okay, so that's out of the way. I liked it. It was good,well written, relatable, and other than the things I pointed out, your MC sounds like a guy. Good job. The plot line is kind of interesting, just the bestfriend cliche all over again, but your version is interesting too. What I'm trying to say is, it's too common. Maybe there should be a twist later on so it doesn't sound like almost all the other cliche stories? Something to make it different. I could compare it to romantic comedies. I love romantic comedies. But they all have the same plot, the same characters, the same ending. Nothing special. I still love them. But that's not what I'm looking for in a story. Now,this was well written. But the general idea is a bit boring. So keep working on it. I'm sure you'll get it right in the end. Pm me the next chapter when it's up?
Ofir
Oh! By the way, I'm Jayleigh and I'll do my best to help.
Um. No I don't. How would I know this. And I hate 'you' is there any way you can take that out?
This is one paragraph. And is there anything else you could say about him? Two more sentences maybe? Make us dislike him as well.
...we were in fourth grade.
This is a new paragraph. But, I don't like it. I had an awesome sentence, but again, I lost it. Darn. Well, something like: That, however, could not stop me from witnessing the parade of adoring fans he calls friends. Something like that? And don't start with but.
But a few months ago,
Megh. Another but.
Started.
You're talking to the reader again. Not the best idea. Try and write it out. (In my opinion. Feel free to ignore)
What happened to consider himself lucky? Explain.
You are switching tenses.
This is a good attempt at showing instead of telling. Nice. Just clean up the grammar a bit?
Comma after spot.
No she doesn't. She said the usual spot...he should know what that is, right? This is confusing.
But.
Okay, due to length and the fact that I really need to do my math homework. I'm stopping here. Could you do me a huge favor? Could you edit this, taking chapter two and creating a new thread for it? It won't seem as intimidating and lengthy.
And I have not read the second chapter either, so this review is only what I've read so far.
Your MC. What is his name? He is a mystery to me. What is he in the high school social scene? I'm guessing somewhere near cool, if he was friends with Emily, who is dating the star jock. But I don't know. Maybe elaborate on his character a little.
Emily. I don't like her at all. Seems to me she is only using your MC for a ride. That's my first impressing.
Now Andrew. He is a stereotypical character. So, later, I hope that somewhere he changes and turns into some sort of an individual. Hopefully.
Your scenery. Don't believe there was much of one. What was the weather like on his walk to the front door? What kind of car does he have? What kind of phone?
One thing I want to point out is that it took me a while to realize your MC is male. It's not that obvious. If that means anything to you.
Well, I'll definitely try to get to your second chapter soon. And take what I said into consideration about moving the second chapter to a different thread. Hope I wasn't too harsh and helped.
-Jayleigh
Hello adrenalinefriend!
First, I have to say that I love your writing style. It flows so nicely and it's nice and easy to follow.
The story plot is good. Your characters are really realistic.
Awesome opening. It gets the reader right into the story. Love it!
I don't know why but once I started reading it I never got bored. That doesn't happen very often so kudos to you!
I don't have any constructive criticism but if I could improve one thing it would be description. Show us readers what the surroundings look like, the stadium, the school, everywhere.
Another thing: Don't stop! You have amazing talent and I really like this story. So please write some more.
Happy writing!