Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Nothing irritates me more than the smell of menthol cigarettes. My mother smoked menthol cigarettes. Newports- to be exact. There’d be packs hidden everywhere around the house towards the end- and I mean everywhere. I’d find them in pillowcases and in the couch cushions, in the freezer behind the peas and in the expired box of Raisin Bran. I’m not sure why she hid them, really. I never asked. About a year ago I collected twenty-five of them. Twenty-five was my lucky number because I thought it was the age I’d die at. I found comfort in the thought that I’d go out with a bang at a young age. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Anyway, I found a can of gasoline in the garage that had probably been sitting there for twenty years. I took the packs to the field and doused them, then held my red lighter up to them and brought the whole thing to flames. I got the idea from my friend’s brother, Ben. He broke up with his girlfriend and lit all the shit she gave him on fire. Said it would clear his mind or whatever. So I thought lighting some goddam empty menthol packs on fire would do the same for me, or something similar. I lit up a joint and watched them and the surrounding grass burn. It didn’t really work. I ended up falling asleep on the ground all depressed.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this is interesting...its a bit of a large chunk which is not the greatest...but the content certainly has a lot of potential and I think the story to follow after his could be pretty interesting judging based on this prologue.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...as far as prologues this one is certainly quite interesting in what its trying to convey here.There's definitely a lot going on here, its almost a series of events here, as it occurs over a reasonable large scale of time as well. And on that note, the paragraph is a little chunky there, you might want to break this down a little more, large chunks of text like this are just not very pretty to read, and it makes you get lost in the thing, not to mention the flow here is a touch rushed as well.
Other than that, looking right at the content, this is certainly quite interesting, the way the cigarettes have been given the center of attention and used to introduce the mother almost makes it seem like this person and their mother doesn't have the greatest relationship which is an interesting mystery to try to solve. All this talk of depression also gets us quite interested in founding out what that could possibly be a result of, and of course this great fire situation and how it was an idea given by a friend is also an interesting detail. This is certainly the type of prologue that leaves you with a lot of unanswered questions and that is pretty much what you want in a prologue...soo...this is a relatively solid one here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is a decent little prologue that you've got here. It definitely does the job of selling the story to come...xD...cause I am interested. Well, anyway, that's all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
(Welcome to YWS! I'm just a few days old on here as well, and I'm enjoying my time here so hopefully you are too.)
This prologue certainly leaves me wanting more. A short prologue is not necessarily a bad thing if you feel like you're dragging it out by adding any more to it. What I really like about this piece is the subtle inference that the main character has a bad relationship with their mother, through their distaste of cigarettes... or perhaps I'm reading too much into it?
One thing that I'd like to address is the lack of paragraphs. It's just that readers can be overwhelmed by a wall of text, and can lose their place easily. Paragraphs also make the work look more professional and overall easier on the eyes. General rule of thumb: 3-5 sentences make up a paragraph.
Aside from paragraphs, I only have one criticism; detail and description.
So, as the starting line, you have:
It's a wonderful starting line by the way. It intrigues the reader and begs the question: why does the main character hate the smell?
So answer that question. Write it like an argument, like the main character is trying to convince someone who looooves the smell of cigarettes, that it's bad. It makes them cough, the smell is pungent, etc. Convince the reader to start hating the smell of cigarettes too.
This is the key to describing things: making the reader feel like they are the same world as the characters, seeing, smelling, hearing, tasting, and feeling the same things as the characters.
The last thing I want to say is that I'm interested in how the main character can just fall asleep when something burning in front of them. You'd think that something so bright would keep them awake at least. So some more explanation/description for that part would be nice as well.
That's all I have for now. I'm certainly interested in seeing more from you, and more from this main character you've written. I'd love to see how their story goes.
Hi!
Rascalover here with a review, hopefully a helpful one! First off, I'd like to congratulate you on becoming a new member! If you have any questions or need any help feel free to ask me! this piece is pretty short for a prologue. I think it is lacking a lot of description. For example, when you wrote "Nothing irritates me more than the smell of cigarette smoke." You could be describing how the smoke fills your lungs, clouds your senses, distorts your memory. You could be describing the anger that bubbles inside of you, taking over your head. In the third sentence you do not have to add "and I mean everywhere" because in the very next sentence you go on to describe all the places you have found the packs. Don't tell us you don't know why she hid them. As a reader, I want to be engaged. Little details like hiding cigarette packs keep my mind wandering about that mental state of your character's mother; it's a great characteristic trait written into your story, and maybe later on in your novel you could tell us through the mother's character why she hid them around the house. I find it interesting that your character wants to die at twenty five. I want to know why that age. The whole story presented here seems original and intriguing; I really hope you continue on with this, and let me know if you post any more chapters. I want to know how the character feels depressed at the end. Are they empty inside? Missing their mother? Is their mother dead at this point? I really like the ending of this because it's like a cliffhanger in a way. Did the fire spread? What happened after she fell asleep? When she woke up? Where is her mother?
Thanks for the interesting read!
<3 Rascalover