Published December 23, 2012
CHAPTER 1
LIKE IT ISN'T ENOUGH THAT I HAVE MY 16 YEAR OLD (COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE YET AT THE SAME TIME COMPLETELY ADORABLE) LITTLE SISTER ALONE AT HOME, WHICH I MUST SAY IS NOT A GOOD THING, OH NO IT'S DEFINATELY NOT HER THAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT, NO, IT'S THE HOUSE. OH, BY THE BY MY PROBLEMS DON'T JUST END THERE , I ALSO HAVE TO SIT HERE AT MY NEW DESK AT MY NEW COMPANY TAKING INTERVIEWS OF PEOPLE WHO I DON'T CLEARLY THINK HAVE A CHANCE OF GETTING THE JOB.
Yes this what i sat here and thought while waiting in my grotesque excuse for an office for my next interviewee. By the by forgive me, for not introducing myself earlier, hey, my name is Kyle Clarkson, I do not mean to brag but according to my point of view I think I look pretty hot for a young man of twenty four, i mean i have silky ironed out blonde hair ( i am very much a natural blonde) which falls into my dark eyelashes that protect my sky blue eyes in addition to my sharp features, the funny think is people refer to me as peachy pete because that is well the colour of my skin and ofcoarse like anyother guy i workout.I am one out of three children. I have an older brother named mathew but known commonly as matt or the success and a little sister of whom i've mentioned earlier named rocksan but known as rocky or the hypnotist for reasons you shall soon realise. Yes that's right i'm the middle child named kyle also known as kyle or as the unnoticed, yeah my life is definately the most interesting one by far. My mom died at the time of my sister's delivery, so even though i didn't know her too well I still loved her all the same. My dad is alive however and constantly keeps updated on my brother's achivements, which I think is highly unnessaccary. Though in my defence i must point out that it is because of me that my father's for long shut down is back up and running(even though i was financially helped by my brother but that could be taken as negligable) for which i am currently stuck here taking interviews of sweaty people. Wait what's that my phone just rang I wonder who it is?
to be continued
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141,255 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is a STRONG start there...you may want to lose the caplocks there though, cause while a little bit of capslock is quite effective in certain places to convey that a very strong point is being made, right here, it kind of comes off as a little bit unusual and with the whole paragraph being in capslock, it kind of makes it lose its power there. I feel another adjective used to highlight how this is mentally shouted out would be a better option with some more specific words in capslock to emphasize on certain parts rather than just have the whole thing that way. It is a nice little rant however, you do get a sense of someone that's just under some tremendous stress there, not too bad of a spot to start with.
Okayy...well that is quite a loot of stuff to fit into the one paragraph there. Soo much happening in the span of just one paragraph, I just don't think that's a very effective way to be telling us the history of this character here. It just reads like one massive info dump about everything that's important to know about this character and a little bit of backstory and that's just not the most fun thing to read at the start of a story like this. You want to make this sort of information a lot more digestible to the reader rather than putting it all out in the very first paragraph. And at the very least, you should break up this paragraph into a few smaller ones cause its currently a bit of a lump of text that doesn't flow particular well as a big lump of text.
The actual content is pretty interesting, and I do like the little bit of a cliffhangery ending that we get, but this first chapter needs a bit of work before it can truly be as good as it can be.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey Adelina, Stella here!
So. I like the character that you have set out her, I like the family dynamic and the situations you're presenting us with! It's the details that concern me a bit.
Firstly, "definitely" is spelt "definitely", unless you're making a pun about Nate.
Also do you think Rocksan should be spelt Roxanne, maybe?
Secondly, I didn't think this was a particularly effective way of introducing your character. If this is how you're going to narrate the whole story, in a stream of consciousness, and constantly "breaking the fourth wall" (ie. talking to the reader directly) then that's okay. But actually I wouldn't do a big introduction. Especially the appearance bit, do you know any man who would describe himself in those terms? Leave us to find out what he looks like in details like him flicking his hair off his face or looking in the mirror. Show us how attractive he is by having someone being attracted to him in the story. I'm talking about an old classic favourite of YWS', it's called, "show, don't tell."
Right now you're telling us everything there is to know about Kyle, and it's not interesting altogether. But what if you first of all fold in the details about his job, show us where he is sitting, show us how generally quite bored he is? Then slowly mention how much he doesn't want to go home, but don't at that point tell us everything. Show us his siblings when they appear. Show us him using their nicknames rather than just telling us that the nicknames are there.
I know that that means getting rid of most of this scene, which has a nice tone to it. But the introduction does seem a bit juvenile, and it could really benefit from you thinking about it in a different way!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
If interveiwee means what i think it does, i'd replace it with applicant or something similiar, its easier to read.
By the by forgive me, for not introducing myself earlier - for some reason i feel like there is an unnecessary comma.
Its a little info-dumpy with a lot of formal speech but it shows a lot of promise. I like the sound of his sister a lot, She's sounds interesting and you've made him able to go any way, he can be arrogant or lonely or bitter. good job, keep it up and get writing - Layfon Howle
tnx, i justthought i should give a proper introduction for my character