I sat on the beach, Imogen to my right. We both leaned back into our hands, which propped us up like picture frames while our legs extended straight out in front of us. Well, both of hers were straight in front of her, but only one of mine lay parallel. The other was bent so that my knee was toward the sky as my toes dug a shallow hole in the soft sand maybe half a foot to the right of my left knee. A light breeze fondled our bare stomachs and played with our loose hair. A few lone seagulls squawked as they wandered the sandy shore, while majestic pelicans skimmed the surface of the great water spread out before us like presents under a Christmas tree of sapphire blue sky. The ocean put on a show just for us, and we simply couldn’t get enough of it. We sat quietly for a long time, allowing the tranquil hush of the tide to swallow us as watched the world pass by. We added only the sounds of our easy breath to the fresh air.
I turned to look at Imogen with a soft smile playing out across my face. “The sun will be setting soon. We should probably head inside—dinner is probably just about ready.” I squinted against the sun, which travelled easily across the clear sky.
“Sounds good. But first, I have to ask you something.” She smiled mischievously, and my heart swelled within my chest.
“Okay. What is it?” I asked, dropping my right knee over my left leg so they formed a sort of number four. I watched her eyes as she spoke, just as she watched mine. Our smiles were so big across our faces that it was a miracle we hadn’t started laughing yet. Well, that was a miracle no matter the size of our smiles.
“Did I succeed?”
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Well, this was certainly a really sweet little start to this story here. Ahh...well, this just leaves you with a smile on your face, and really you can't ask much more from the story.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh...well this is quite a fun description that you've got here. Certainly a very relaxing at any rate. You can really imagine this scene here, not just with the visuals but the way that you manage to incorporate the sound and the general feel of the place too. That's really does add a lot to a description in helping a reader imagine what's going on in a scene. You also go into quite a bit of detail about the two characters and their position too, so that is also very helpful for imagining the scene to come. This really is a very neat start to a story here.
Well, that is certainly continuing in the vein of just being a very relaxed evening at the moment. Certainly is seeming like its going to be just a very calm day in whatever this world is and these folks are just off to go and get some dinner. Well, hopefully nothing terrible is going to happen in the second half of this.
OOooh, well that was certainly a very intriguing ending there, oh dear, well I have a few guesses as to what that one might possibly, but I think I'll hold off on that for the moment. At any rate, those smiles there at the end certainly tell a lot and well, I think I'm just really happy that this managed to remain wholesome the whole through..xD
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, just a pretty solid start this one, its certainly got a pretty nice hook there at the end to make you want to keep reading. Anyway, that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really love this story! Please continue it!
Thank you!!
Your welcome! You really are an awesome writer!
I like the start of this! Their friendship is clearly defined, and I really like that metaphor in the second sentence! I'd never heard that before but it works perfectly. The pacing was great, too. Here are what suggestions I have:
The first paragraph, sentences three and four. A little too descriptive here. I found myself kind of bored and lost in the long sentence; we don't really need to know how their legs are positioned. If you must mention it, do so delicately.
'I turned to look at Imogen with a soft smile playing out across my face. “The sun will be setting soon. We should probably head inside—dinner is probably just about ready.” I squinted against the sun, which travelled easily across the clear sky.'
I think that the "squinted against the sun" part is a little out of place. Weren't they just looking at Imogen? And then, after that sentence, they're looking at her again, because they observed her smiling. Maybe put the sun part somewhere else or take it out all together, it interrupts the flow of the story.
Also, I felt like it cut off in a weird spot. It's not quite a cliffhanger- it just feels like you stopped in the middle of dialogue.
That's it! Great story, and I'll be looking for more!
I agree, the description is awkward and I'll definitely fix that part about the sky. Thank you so much!!
Hi, hunith here for a review.
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first of, i must say, i loved reading your writing, t'was well framed.
i don't have much to say about the writing, just a little here and there you should look at.
I think that, the first paragraph is too long and could have been broken into two.
lets take a look at this
i think this should have been on another paragraph. and you probably forgot we in the last but one sentence.
Overall, the description was good. Except that the whole scene seemed all too well known to me. it didn't seem intriguing. Apart from the writing, the plot behind isn't catchy.
and i know, you are writing realistic but something a bit different would be much better. by the way, this is just my opinion - i may be wrong.
that said, your work is great. keep writing.
i'm out
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Hunith
Thank you, and I will definitely take your advice into consideration