Continuum.
She maintained an air of eternity,
Of foreverness —life, and timelessness —
Everywhere she went. Time, as it was seen,
Slowed to a perpetual halt as she,
The endless and perdurable being,
Cast her eyes upon my broken veneer.
Under the soft and radiant glimmer
Of the glistening glow of eventide
I told her to be like the moon and stars,
Like all other celestial bodies,
And orbit me but never come too close.
Adulation should be but from afar.
When two worlds collide all that follows dies
And is born again, never to survive.
— Adam James Pollock
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
This is a really great piece. I think that it flows really nicely and I think that the imagery is really amazing. However, I do have to agree with others who have commented here. Some of the words here, while very beautiful, are redundant and take some of the meaning out of the beauty, which, if you're not careful, can just leave you with a mess of words that sound nice.
Hello there!
This is a very elegant poem, with very good imagery. However, the way some of the words repeat make it just a bit redundant.
"Eternity, foreverness, timelessness, perpetual, endless, perdurable"- these are all great words, and I wouldn't even think to use the last one. However, they all mean the same thing is essence. You're just saying that she is somehow eternal. I definitely don't think you should take these all out, seeing as you clearly want to highlight that trait of hers, but I think you could mention something else about her. I feel like something that gives her a bit more character or depth would be nice, especially because this is short. It's interesting how you contrast her "immortality" to nothing ever surviving at the end.
Hm, I'm not sure veneer is a really choice word here. When used with humans, it's like a thin front layer that hides deeper feelings or thoughts. Maybe that is what you want, like the narrator has let down his guard a bit, but then I think that she wouldn't simply "cast her eyes" in his direction. I feel like there should be more of a transaction between to two than is happening.
The adulation part was rather surprising to me here, but I guess we don't actually know much about the narrator of what he wants until here. Also, the last line is rather confusing. You say everything died when worlds collide, but then they're born again, but nothing survives? It doesn't really make sense to me, so maybe there's a way to clarify.
Lastly, although the language in this piece is really good, I feel like there wasn't as much of a point or focus. I'm not saying there isn't one, but it's hard to see what the poem is focusing on. Definitely the unknown girl is prominent, but there doesn't seem to be much of a purpose in that, because when she meets the narrator it's only fleeting, and there are no thoughts or emotions about that. I think you could use more of those.
-Falco