You are my hope, my heart, my heat inside.
Your touch disables my mind-it disarms
my sense of right so that even to decide
is to love. This passion sounds no alarm.
I try to invade the world within your
eyes; a universe that i can't enter
Glitters beyond my reach, but to the fore
comes your brialliance; it is my tormentor.
The silver, seductive smile in my dream
of you, makes the adrenaline surge through
my body; fluid in a mighty stream
of love, passion and depth. All of this new.
As your head rests upon me in twilight,
laying back, I trust my grip to stay tight.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello and welcome here.
I loved this. The strength of your words is just amazing.
The first part I adore. 'disables my mind' is an original way to put the loss of reason in love. Very contemporary. Sense of right being 'disarmed' is also brilliant. The last part however I did not understand, 'even to decide is to love'?
*brilliance
Grand stanza. Though I agree that invade is too strong a word. Though in a way, the person you speak to in this poem denies you access, you don't exactly wish to 'invade' that person do you?
The last two lines were brilliant. All in all, I absolutely love this poem.
--Knightly
Hello, Roon here! Your first reviewer! :O
I’m going to start with nitpicks, then move on to an overall idea of the poem.
Personally, I feel that heat and heart are a little too similar.
It think saying just right implies that you can’t tell what’s wrong, you should change the wording to incorporate this idea as well.
invade is quite a violent image to use. Also you need to capitalise the I.
I’m a little unsure as to why you use a capital G for glitters.
Brilliance*
Other than that, I really love that line, it shows the frustration of not being able to be with them every second, of not being able to describe what you feel around the one you love, etc.
A stream doesn’t really signify might to me, it says something more like gentle. A river would suggest more power.
I would say of love, of passion, of depth. I think it would flow better and have a nice rhythm.
I loved this bit, really fantastic. You signify not just an actual grip, but that of an emotional one as well, you want to stay close to her heart.
Overall, I think this poem is fantastic. The way you present your emotions is just wonderful. The reader can easily identify with your thoughts and feelings. Your use of language is elegant and well executed, I really enjoyed reading this, one last thought, maybe you could try breaking it into stanzas? I think it would present a more comforting, inviting image to the reader.
This was heartfelt and beautiful. Thank you for posting, I hope you enjoy YWS! If you need another review, or have any questions, don't hesitate to let me know, you know where to find me!
~ Roon