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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there, a'dale.
Whoa. That first line. Nice. Love the images there. In fact, I love the images throughout the whole poem.
I think there are some things that could be changed to improve this poem, however. You have very long lines that break in some strange places. I would break them up more. It doesn't feel like poetry right now, but observations.
I'm glad that you didn't make the mistake some other young writers make: putting in an obnoxious rhyme scheme that only controls the vocabulary they use. I'm glad you chose words over pattern, but it does need some more poetic traits.
This doesn't mean that I'm telling you to put in a rhyme scheme. No, I'm asking you to think about how words sound. How do they sound next to each other? How does it sound when you pause in different places? Where do the words get naturally louder and quieter? Read your poems aloud to yourself before you finish them. It will reveal many things about the poem that were before unseen (or unheard).
For example,
"Rabbits to their burrows, foxes to their dens" has a wonderful meter of stressed, unstressed, stressed, unstressed. It sounds nice when you say it aloud. When you get to lines like
"As I sit by my window, watching the sun sink to its bed," the nice meter you had before disappears into a tangled mass of "I don't even know what's going on here anymore."
I ask you to think about meter and how syllables sound together.
In the last few lines, the lovely images you used before dwindle away. I would encourage you to incorporate more images even into the thought at the end. It will make a more symmetrical poem.
I enjoyed reviewing this. Nice job. Keep writing.
thank you for the review! I actually wrote this poem a long time ago, I just wanted to see what people would think. I'm really not much of a poet. But, none the less I'll see what I can do to fix it up.
Hey adale,
I'll start with the things I liked about your poem. I love the first line, it's probably my favorite line of all in this poem. Wonderful imagery there, and in the second line as well. I like the theme you chose to write about as well, and I felt the same way when I read the sixth and seventh lines; a disheartening amount of people take nature for granted.
I do feel that you have some structural problems here; you could break the lines in the middle as they get too long and don't quite feel like poetry. I also feel a rephrasing might be in order; the whole thing has a feel of prose to it, which, I think, is not what you wanted to convey here. Also, your wording is a little mundane in some places, like:
These lines could use some sprucing up. They're a good attempt at imagery, but they're quite drab and sort of made me lose interest in the poem, though I loved the first line. I think adding more descriptive words and a few figures of speech would definitely help. The fourth line is still all right, but I feel the other lines are a little too mundane.
Like Sheep said, you need more of an artistic feel to this. Your wording doesn't really produce the images that it should in the reader's mind, and your lines are too long, even for freeverse, where there are pretty much no rules. This was a pretty good read, though, and I'd love to work with you on it if you're ever free or online when I am.
Hope this helped~
Day
Hey, adale! I liked this poem. I thought it had a nice message about how beautiful nature is, and how everyone just takes it for granted. As I was reading I had little images of foxes in their dens, sunsets, and all that good stuff. So I enjoyed this
This reads like a mini-story I thought, so I might suggest adding some descriptive words to make it stand out more. You know, so it seems more artistic and poetic.
This was very good though, keep it up!
OK thank you! I'll see what I can do to improve.