z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

this fairy had a garden 𓍯𓂃

by achillesthepookiest


It was a burned and forgotten memory, back when I was good.

My mother’s tears were blood on my shirt. I was running, not stopping, like I was underwater, I couldn’t come up for air. I was suffocating, I was being buried under sea shells. There was a bounty on my head, I was well-known for being a prophecy, they said I was prophesied to be Satan’s little helper and I’d grow up to be a big dictator. So, they were slowly pulling the legs of my spider until I was nothing. I would not amount to nothing. My spider-web was empty, I was the prey. Back then.

The memory was burned in my eyes. My mother kneeling on the floor, bloodied and barely alive. Run, run, run, she screamed. And so I did. No air.

The Beverly forest was a foreign thing to me when I was a child. My first memory of it wasn’t that of it being a home but where I found and lost love. It slipped from my fingers as soon as I closed my eyes.

I was running and then I stopped. There was a huge ice bath and in the middle of the frozen kingdom stood a little boy, like me. I was little and scared and so was he. He caught my eyes, crystals.

“Hey! Do you need help?” My voice wavered but it carried over the lake.

“Come get me!” He shouted with a broken throat. One that had been screaming out to deaf ears. Deafening screams in a broken kingdom.

When I was still good, I walked the ice kingdom to get to him. We met in the middle, and he wiped his face with his hands. He had been crying. I held his hand and slowly courted him to safety. He was a prince in gold, and I was the wicked witch of the forest. I was good back then, but words could change you.

I wanted to ask, “Why do you cry?” but instead I stayed dumb. So, he said, “Let me show you something.” With tears in his mouth.

We walked along the path lit by fireflies, and there was a little gate. He went, and I followed. The gate squeaked, and I laughed. The world was falling over itself. I collapsed near a little pond in this little fairy’s garden.

I was over my head, my head to my knees, and crystals in my eyes. He gave me his shoulder and let me cry till I emptied my tear ducts. The running water and the broken facet. I was a crying leg and he was a crying arm, and we never asked the head to stop hurting us; instead, I grew ice in my chest and he grew spiders in his head.

In the moment, I was good. Not jolly, not happy, but kind to everyone but myself. He was bad, but good to me. He kicked the ice and scoffed at the elves, but he might just grow to be truthful. I never got to see it.

As the world was shrinking to just the two of us, we caved into ourselves. It hit me like a comet; my mother was gone, and I was alone. I couldn’t contain the evil in me; it poured out, and the flowers started to wilt. It got hot quick, and I was so cold. I felt like I was watching myself die. The magic was boiling hot, and it cursed everything it touched.

“Shh, it’s going to be just right.” Like ice to a wound, he calmed me down with something kind. It was magic, but unlike my own. It soothed my pain, but it couldn’t stop the facet. It couldn’t stop death. It couldn’t change the cruelty of humans or of Lady Life. Maybe one day he might find the secret.

This was the day he learned kindness, and I became ruthless. We were like two peas in a pod, drowning after so long of being on land.

I was in his arms, and he was sitting on my legs. It was awkward, but sadness never cared for proper. I fell asleep, and when I woke up, he was gone. I felt cold, and my broken facet was empty. That was the last time I cried. That was the last time I trusted. Secretly, I wished to see him grow like a beanstalk, but everything I touched wilted. I was a prophecy, a curse.

The Queen of the Forest stood a few metres away from me; she took me in her arms after I hugged her legs.

“What is wrong, little one? Why do you cry?”

I screamed raw in my throat, “They killed my mother!”

She looked at me with familiarity. It was a cold look, but it warmed my insides. It couldn’t mend what was broken, but it could build something new in its wake.

I never saw him again. I never got his name. I knew him as the ice in my heart. As a burned memory, right at the core. It was what I was running on and running from.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
172 Reviews

Points: 34172
Reviews: 172

Donate
Sat Jun 01, 2024 7:19 pm
View Likes
Roxanne wrote a review...



Hey there, a (belated) welcome to the site! :D I'm Roxanne, and I'm here with a review for this interesting story :]

Image

I. First Things First
First and foremost, let’s talk about the awesome stuff. :D
I must say, you've written quite a fascinating tale here. The descriptions are so beautifully put together, they definitely add to the level of intrigue. I particularly like the first part of your story, it had just the right suspense to keep it interesting.

It was a burned and forgotten memory, back when I was good.

My mother’s tears were blood on my shirt. I was running, not stopping, like I was underwater, I couldn’t come up for air. I was suffocating, I was being buried under sea shells. There was a bounty on my head, I was well-known for being a prophecy, they said I was prophesied to be Satan’s little helper and I’d grow up to be a big dictator. So, they were slowly pulling the legs of my spider until I was nothing. I would not amount to nothing. My spider-web was empty, I was the prey. Back then.


But what intrigued me the most, was the prophecy. It becomes more obvious throughout the story that, just like the protagonist considers it, the prophecy is more like a curse. The story seems to take place in a different world, with unique elements.

II. Tips and Tweaks
First of all, the story has some great potential, but it could benefit from some more things to create that lasting impact.

Until now, I know that the protagonist was a young boy when his mother was brutally murdered, something which left him with trauma. But after some events in a forest, he turned completely cold from inside. It's an awesome backstory, however, the name of the protagonist is unknown. And due to the lack of description of his appearance and that of his friend, I find it a bit hard to fully connect with the characters.

Perhaps you could also consider adding more description of the place around them. The metaphors you already used perfectly describe the overall feeling and atmosphere, but there could be some more descriptions of the setting. You could also zoom in on the place where the protagonist's mother was murdered, the forest he was in later, the names of those places. Since it's a novel, I'm sure more development will follow, but the intro could already set the stage for what follows.

Additionally, I would've loved some more info on the prophecy and how that fits in the world that they live in. The underworld and politics are two different things, but I'm excited to see how you mix them together. I'm curious about how exactly the protagonist became ruthless, he seemed to have some interesting journey ahead of him.

But of course, do keep in mind; these are merely suggestions and considering them is entirely up to you. :)

III. Seek Inspiration Beyond
Feel free to check out Purple Stones - Prologue by @LuminescentAnt and Loosely Lawful | 1 by @Ventomology for some extra inspiration and ideas to spice up your own storytelling!

IV. All in All
Everything in all and all in everything, you've started something with great potential, it's quite a suspenseful beginning. With just a few improvements you could boost the impact of your story. Good luck with your future writing projects!

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

Adieu!
Roxanne




User avatar
4338 Reviews

Points: 304157
Reviews: 4338

Donate
Wed May 22, 2024 2:16 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is quite a lovely little tale here, well lovely in terms of the writing at any rate, it is quite sad for our poor protagonist who suffers through a very visceral portrayal of quite a few emotions as a result of the death of her mother.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was a burned and forgotten memory, back when I was good.

My mother’s tears were blood on my shirt. I was running, not stopping, like I was underwater, I couldn’t come up for air. I was suffocating, I was being buried under sea shells. There was a bounty on my head, I was well-known for being a prophecy, they said I was prophesied to be Satan’s little helper and I’d grow up to be a big dictator. So, they were slowly pulling the legs of my spider until I was nothing. I would not amount to nothing. My spider-web was empty, I was the prey. Back then.


Well this is quite an intriguing start here. Prophecies and spider webs and many many things coming across. It looks to be like this is the start of one of those one meet the destiny on the road taken to avoid it moments here.

The memory was burned in my eyes. My mother kneeling on the floor, bloodied and barely alive. Run, run, run, she screamed. And so I did. No air.

The Beverly forest was a foreign thing to me when I was a child. My first memory of it wasn’t that of it being a home but where I found and lost love. It slipped from my fingers as soon as I closed my eyes.

I was running and then I stopped. There was a huge ice bath and in the middle of the frozen kingdom stood a little boy, like me. I was little and scared and so was he. He caught my eyes, crystals.

“Hey! Do you need help?” My voice wavered but it carried over the lake.


Well that is quite the set of memories there once again. We're really digging in deep here with this one, showcasing some truly powerful memories going on there. It really strikes quite deep there and just calls out to us readers here.

“Come get me!” He shouted with a broken throat. One that had been screaming out to deaf ears. Deafening screams in a broken kingdom.

When I was still good, I walked the ice kingdom to get to him. We met in the middle, and he wiped his face with his hands. He had been crying. I held his hand and slowly courted him to safety. He was a prince in gold, and I was the wicked witch of the forest. I was good back then, but words could change you.

I wanted to ask, “Why do you cry?” but instead I stayed dumb. So, he said, “Let me show you something.” With tears in his mouth.


Oooh well this is quite the little scene here, both this quiet little conversation and then also the little bit of relationship that they seem to share and it seems a little sneak peak there at how it would evolve if that little comment there is anything to go off of.

We walked along the path lit by fireflies, and there was a little gate. He went, and I followed. The gate squeaked, and I laughed. The world was falling over itself. I collapsed near a little pond in this little fairy’s garden.

I was over my head, my head to my knees, and crystals in my eyes. He gave me his shoulder and let me cry till I emptied my tear ducts. The running water and the broken facet. I was a crying leg and he was a crying arm, and we never asked the head to stop hurting us; instead, I grew ice in my chest and he grew spiders in his head.

In the moment, I was good. Not jolly, not happy, but kind to everyone but myself. He was bad, but good to me. He kicked the ice and scoffed at the elves, but he might just grow to be truthful. I never got to see it.


You can definitely see how sever these effects are, with the horrors that were described its certainly no surprise that this person's just all curled into themself and just trying to survive there and once again we get an interesting detail there that hints at the future. They definitely add an extra dimension to this.

As the world was shrinking to just the two of us, we caved into ourselves. It hit me like a comet; my mother was gone, and I was alone. I couldn’t contain the evil in me; it poured out, and the flowers started to wilt. It got hot quick, and I was so cold. I felt like I was watching myself die. The magic was boiling hot, and it cursed everything it touched.

“Shh, it’s going to be just right.” Like ice to a wound, he calmed me down with something kind. It was magic, but unlike my own. It soothed my pain, but it couldn’t stop the facet. It couldn’t stop death. It couldn’t change the cruelty of humans or of Lady Life. Maybe one day he might find the secret.

This was the day he learned kindness, and I became ruthless. We were like two peas in a pod, drowning after so long of being on land.

I was in his arms, and he was sitting on my legs. It was awkward, but sadness never cared for proper. I fell asleep, and when I woke up, he was gone. I felt cold, and my broken facet was empty. That was the last time I cried. That was the last time I trusted. Secretly, I wished to see him grow like a beanstalk, but everything I touched wilted. I was a prophecy, a curse.


Oooh well that's quite a strong memory once again, all of it coming to a head and sort of just spiling out. I am loving the description there, it really brings a visceral light to everything and then you can really feel the power of that healing touch too.

The Queen of the Forest stood a few metres away from me; she took me in her arms after I hugged her legs.

“What is wrong, little one? Why do you cry?”

I screamed raw in my throat, “They killed my mother!”

She looked at me with familiarity. It was a cold look, but it warmed my insides. It couldn’t mend what was broken, but it could build something new in its wake.

I never saw him again. I never got his name. I knew him as the ice in my heart. As a burned memory, right at the core. It was what I was running on and running from.


Well that's quite the ending there, a face never to be seen again, and then just an icy sort of countenance built up to survive this terror and move forward with all the pain held within as a result of it all.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a powerful little tale this one, really hitting us quite hard there especially through all the horrors that go through our poor protagonist just trying to cope with it all and process it. Quite neatly done that

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate





As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie