Published March 18, 2008
I know how I feel
And I know that I shouldn’t
I feel stupid for feeling the way I do but I can't help it anymore
Would I be here if it wasn’t for them?
No is the answer
But do they care now?
No they don’t seem to
They are fake towards me and loving to each other
They don’t need me I am an addition
So I will leave not come back
What is the point of being here otherwise?
I don’t care what others think
And I don’t care what they think
I’m bored of being alone
Just because I say I am more of an alone person doesn’t mean I am telling the truth
I just like time alone to read
My head is a mess
And you keep telling me to sort it
But what is the point really
You really don’t care
And I know I don’t mean that much to you
I don’t care that I have a messed up head
And I don’t care about it either
It might sort its self out
But it might not
Who cares really
I know that I won’t last longer than 3 years
And I don’t give a crap
Sod the world I don’t care
I have nothing to live for and I know it
I’m going my way and you go yours
Don’t worry about me
We will meet back in hell.
[b]this is the first poem i have put on here and i would love to know what you think of my style of of writing and if you like it all feedback welcome
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I agree with AV. But, I think that this poem is a little cliche, it's been done before. Not exactly in your words of course but the idea has been portrayed in so many ways. You have to really make it unique and make it your own. When I first read it I felt like it was the poetic form of a rant/venting streak. The lack of imagery and figuarative language really plays down your whole idea and I can't leave it feeling what I think you meant for your readers to feel. What you need to do is take your lines and find a way to portray all of your regular sentences into something spectacular that you know everyone will be able to relate to. You know what I mean? This is a good base, it has potential.
PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda
This poem kind of seems like you're almost talking to yourself, which could be a cool way to portray it, but you need to use some figurative language. I almost always tell people that using rhetorical questions isn't the best way to go. Try and word it so you don't need them. Use some similes and metaphors and try and make this original.
It would help if you placed more punctuation marks in your piece. Such as these lines:
It would help if you placed like a semi-colon between 'me' and 'I'.. Or maybe a period.
And also in this line:
Could be: so I will leave -- not come back
Also in these two lines:
It seems as though the second line is the same with the first line except that its rephrased...