Regret

I really enjoyed this! But I was unsure, like aqua1213 said, whether it is poetry or prose. If this was intended on being a poem changing the layout might help (centering, separate and individual line for a sentence etc.) Also, instead of full stops maybe just commas? As I was reading this I noticed myself taking LOTS of pauses all the time. However, I found the amount of emotion in this piece of writing captivating. I felt as if I was actually there watching her every step, viewing every moment that was encountered. This is quite a good piece and I can't wait to read more!


Keep writing!

I love this! So much emotion!
But it's sort of hard to tell if it's prose or poetry.
I'm going to assume this is prose.
The story is really sad and you can really understand the emotions of this person, who feels unwanted and useless in life. I think you should write more pieces like this. Not nessasarily about suicide, but still...
Okay, you have to pay attention to your punctuation sometimes because it feels off in a way i.e Capital letters, misplaced commas, the works.
But otherwise,I have nothing negs vitiate to say about this beautiful piece.

Hi, I'm Storm! This is a really long review, just so you're forewarned. Oh, and welcome to the site! It seems like you new, and I think you'll really like it here.

I'm going to first comment on how your spacing is a little...well, I was going to say confusing, but really it's nonexistent. I'm going to set that up and then work on things by stanza and line, okay?



"She felt the cool wind caress her face,
She knew she'd lost the race.
It was all over now,
Her friends said everything would be okay, but how?"

This is a problem throughout the whole poem that I'd like to address right now. Your rhyme scheme really holds you back, I think. It kind of seems like it ...well, for lack of a better way to describe it I almost would say it dumbs your poem down. It seems a little juvenile, the AA BB rhyme scheme. Also, you use exact rhymes constantly, and so few slant rhymes that slant rhymes and disruptions of the rhyme scheme stick out a lot. The rhyme scheme really seems to cut into the flow of your poem. In line three you have six syllables, in line four you have twelve. See the imbalance?

"She sat and felt all the emotions inside.
There was no place to hide.
Her eyes flutter open, looking above,"

I don't know, you might want to break this up differently, but I just kind of broke it up in chunks that would be easy to address. The pattern of rhymes you set in the first six lines of the poem breaks in the seventh, and, like I said, it's really noticeable. The first two lines in this stanza appealed to me a lot, they have a kind of ringing simplicity. That can be a really hard feeling to convey, so congratulations? On the other hand, it's something that's kind of a monotony through the whole poem, and something that doesn't really words well for sustained periods of time. It's more for profound little blips.

"All she could see was blue and only blue,
Then she looked below and saw blue again,
Only to find it moving- water, it was."

The last line of this stanza is a bit choppy, I'd recommend a revision. The rhyme scheme is nonexistent in these three lines. Oh, by the way, when I spaced it, I did my best to put the rhyming words at the ends of lines, so it looks and reads a bit oddly in a few places.

"Contemplating the distance between her and the moving blue made her smile,
She was on the edge of the tallest bridge.
Between her and life there was one big ridge,
'So why not give in?', she asked herself. "

Rhyme scheme- First and last lines don't fit.
The first line is really, really long compared to the others. It looks odd and the high syllable count is really disruptive.

"People never seemed to understand her,
They never thought she could get better.
Her parents living under different roofs.
She had enough proof,
She knew she was useless,"

Rhyme scheme- Good job on lines one and two, the use of slant rhymes is pretty good. Roofs and proof are sort of... well, I really don't like the use of exact rhymes. It reads too much like a picture book.

"Not a single soul wanted her around.
No reason to live, she found,
She thought to death, she was bound.
Inhaling all the tension around,
She jumped, bound"

Rhyme scheme- Need I repeat myself? It's vaguely reminiscent of Dr. Seuss to hear five rhyming words so close together.
This is one of the things that looks and reads odd, the break between the last line of this and the first line of the next stanza.

"to reach the land of dead. What a waste!
There was a whole life ahead of her to taste,
Yet she gave into her worries,
And decided things in a hurry."

Rhyme scheme- I like the word taste. It's somehow better than life to live or whatever other cliche filler you can think of. Taste is a good word. I really don't like the worry/hurry thing. It's like, when I was younger, I used to use sorrow/tomorrow a lot, and it's just too much.
There's not much that really holds the attention in this, nothing profound or particularly beautiful to be dug up. I'm sorry if that sounds incredibly harsh, truly I am, but I really think the use of some adjectives that are a little less common could enhance your poem a lot.

"Little did she know,
she was awaited at home,
By a whole bunch of people for it was a day to behold,
A special one- it was september the fourth,
The day a soul was born,"

Rhyme scheme- You know, I think you get it by now. I'll quit picking on your rhyme scheme;
September the fourth... Why? Just a random date? The whole "dying on your birthday thing" is a little overused sometimes, no offense. I wouldn't take the trouble to change it though. It's not so bad, It just happens way more in literature than in life. Of course, so does discovering that you're really the last surviving of some ancient magical race's royal bloodline...
Anyways, I'll continue with your review.

"Unfortunately, it was also a day the same soul was lost.
Above, from the mesmerizing blue skies, The same soul sat and watched,
With tears pouring down her cheeks,
If only I'd waited, she thought,"

Put quotation marks around "If only I'd waited". The second line is really long.

"She'd have her life back.
There wasn't a thing I woudn't do to be able to breathe again,
So she prayed for the impossible,
She prayed for the almighty to give the soul back to this dead soul.
If only it were possible,
if only, she thought...."

It seems like you switch verb tenses and points of view quite often in this stanza. Remember to watch these, even though you don't think of it so much in poetry.

Well, sorry to totally yell a bunch of criticism at you through type-speak...Don't let this scare you away from the site, it's ridiculously helpful here and I've learned the log reviews help the most.

It seems like you have a lot of talent in this field that just needs to be polished to shine, and I would love to see your progress, so when you post something else you should PM me for a review.

Seeya around!
--Storm

Hello! Welcome to YWS by the way, I hope you come to like it. I love this piece of writing. It's really full of emotion and you convey the thoughts and feelings extremely skillfully. I just have a few comments.

1. Grammar/Punctuation

> You seem to have some constant problems with commas and periods. I'm not quite sure if this is what you were going for, as this prose is rather poetic in itself. However, there are some areas where it seems like a mistake.

It was all over now, Her friends said everything would be okay, but how?

She sat and felt all the emotions inside, There was no place to hide.

Little did she know, she was awaited at home, By a whole bunch of people for it was a day to behold, A special one- it was september the fourth, The day a soul was born, Unfortunately, it was also a day the same soul was lost. Above, from the mesmerizing blue skies, The same soul sat and watched, With tears pouring down her cheeks, If only I'd waited, she thought, She'd have her life back. There wasn't a thing I woudn't do to be able to breathe again, So she prayed for the impossible, She prayed for the almighty to give the soul back to this dead soul. If only it were possible, if only, she thought....