Published February 1, 2009
EDIT: Thank you Hannah, 200397 and TSun for your reviews! I thought about your suggestions and made a few changes. Let the editing continue!
Green
I feel green today.
Not the fresh shade of new-life,
But a faded, yellowish green:
The color of a dying plant.
The color of this dying plant,
Here in the Biology compost heap.
I rub the tendrils of the plant.
It is an onion that has bloomed,
Slick tentacles bursting out of the crown.
What was once bright now weakens,
And the leaves are waxy in death.
The vine bruises under my fingers.
It is pliable and rubbery, with no lively bounce,
Draped limply over the side
Of the compost box.
This is how I feel:
Wilted, vanishing, battered –
A dull yellow-green,
Wishing to decay in peace.
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
First of all, the "I...I" isnt a good way to start a poem. If you want to show that your perhaps depressed or sad in your poem, tell it to the audience in your poem, you shouldnt emphasize it using one line. To some, it may seem that you're unsure about how powerful your poem is. And being confident in delivering a message in poetry is really important.
Another thing is, if you're not trying to make your poem rhyme, then please dont do the repetition of the last word thing, it tends to throw off the readers.
The message in this stanza was hard to understand. Im not sure if you're juxtaposing the ideas of blossom vs dying... or was it merely a mistake that you had the two opposing ideas in the same stanza? Also, watch the grammar if you're gonna use commas and periods. =)
Something that bothered me was how you ended the poem.
If you were wishing to decay in peace, then why would you notify the world of how you feel?
Because of your use of imagery, readers are able to imagine the pain and suffering.
But you ended it wishing to decay in peace.
Lastly, please dont take offense to anything.
please take this as constructive criticism :
if you want to make it rhyme, then take time to make sure it flows and makes sense
use a more elaborate rhyme scheme
OVERALL: I love your ending words. They are beautiful. I added a new line before that part to add emphasis to your feelings, to separate it from the plant and make it more meaningful.
There was nothing really wrong with this. The beginning "I . . ." bothered me, but I thought if you remove it it would strengthen your poem.
This was lovely and original; I enjoyed it very much, and I will give you a gold star. Keep up the good work, and PM me if you have any questions.
~Sunny
Ohhhh, why did you distract me from my other reviewing!? Haha, no it's my fault! Can I just say, though, that this was beautiful!?
I really liked the way you used 'the' versus 'a' here -- it showed that green is usually thought of as a lively, spring color, but the faded, yellowish color you're describing is something indefinite! ^_^ Great!
The side of what? Hehe~ I mean, I know that might break the flow, but it's kind of awkward when we don't know what you're referring to. Not /that/ big of a deal though. ^_^
Hrrrm. I think, if you wanted to just make it perfect, you might need a double dash after 'battered'. I also really like the message here! It shows that the narrator's come to terms with their downward spiral or whatever and just wants everyone else to stop fighting for him/her. ^_^
I /really/ like this poem.
Gold star!
-Hannah-