Broken soul, ripped heart,
Crazy look and fresh scars.
No friends, bad start,
Crooked smile and stretch marks.
Pain killers, antidepressants,
Cigarettes and bitten nails,
Razor blades, sharp knives,
Dark clothes and blood stains.
She was all except okay,
She begged for help, but there's no way.
Her silent screams no one could hear,
Until she dropped her final tear.
Death smelled her blood, it was Her turn,
No more regrets and no return,
Bloody carpet, teary sleeves,
One more breath before she leaves.
Blue lips, pale skin,
As if death's a work of art,
Last moment, last sin,
Broken soul and ripped heart.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
Well well well. I suggest you should write more. This had a great message in it.
But there is something I failed to understand.
"She begged for help"
Well, what did you want to describe here?
The ending could have been more interesting (only the last two stanzas). Here is my idea:
Blue lips, pale skin,
As if death's a work of art,
"No control over her at all,
Life's gone with a spark."
Anyway it was great. I really liked it a lot. My suggestion is keep writing. Good luck
Hi, it's Em101cats here to review!
Wonderful poem you have published here!
Her doesn't need to be capitalized unless you made it that way for emphasis. If so, I like your emphasis ways!
I found no other mistakes. Are you new to Young Writer's Society, by the way? If so, welcome to YWS, and if you need anything you can always ask me.
Also, I liked the rhyme scheme you had here in this poem, and the way you listed so many things.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
~Em101cats~
Thank you!
yes I wanted to emphasize Her because it reffered to Death so I thought people would get confused if it reffered to the girl or Death. Yes, I am new, I joined two days ago. Thanks again!! 
No problem! I like the idea of the emphasis you put there. I just wanted to make sure you did it on purpose. And welcome!
aboredguy,
tHIS IS FABULOUS. I loved the ending! Death is a work of art. That is just my favourite line throughout this entire poem.
My only nitpick was the punctuation. There was just too much, either a comma or a period. Don't think that just because it's poetry or a phrase that it needs punctuation to introduce the next. I often have that problem in remembering that it can just be a sentence split into two lines. If that made sense.
But really, I like this poem a lot. I got chills reading it. Great job and I'm looking forward to reading more of your poems!
Keep expressing.
-Percybeth
Thanks for the comment and advice!
It's just that I find it more right with the punctation (which doesn't actually mean it is right I guess xD). So thanks, and I'll look out for it in the future. 
Haha, no problem! I get super attached to all of my pieces and I get slightly defensive too xD so I get that, if you feel it.
wow!
i noticed that you're sorta new here and this is your first work so, welcome to YWS! and this is too good for your first work, like seriously? you're awesome!
i agree with the girl down there who said this sounds like the A Team, i wrote a poem a little like this and i realized i picked inspiration from that song, without even realizing it, that must have been the case here and it's not a bad thing, actually, it's pretty good! (i mean, who doesn't love Ed Sheeran?)
but,
(there's gotta be 'buts' for you to get better, no matter how good you are)
i think you could work on the stanzas, structurally. why not hold the shift key and enter when you're trying to break it up to stanzas, it'll help with the poetry format and i think this really needs 'stanza'in' (if that's a word, oops!)
now to the message of the poem, i thought it was so great! like DAMN! good job, i felt her pain and i think the depth you had showed us into her life was just enough, not too consuming but enough to make us feel what she was feeling and that, truly, is the most beautiful thing about this piece.
i want to encourage you, keep writing 'cause works like this is what inspires me to keep writing and this was just perf!
Bee
Wow, thank you! XD Well, I did break it up to stanzas, but when I pasted it here I didn't notice the spaces disappeared. And yeah, it really looks like it was The A team-inspired but it wasn't intentional. And yes, I'm pretty new here.
Hello.
Oooh, this is a very morally controversial work. You're dealing with a big issue:
Up until this line, I thought you were just talking generally, but there seems to be some sort of character here. You need to emphasise that, otherwise the reader will just think they are watching something happen to someone else passively instead of being involved with it personally.
You're on the verge of having a great work here, but I would recommend editing some aspects of this, including the amount of characterisation you have.
Keep writing. ~R
Thank you, I appreciate your comment. I'll try my best.
Well the first thing I noticed was that the beat to "The A Team" fits your first 3 lines perfectly. Other than that it was like you were telling her story. The story of her life , and the story of her death. When you wrote "She was all except okay, She begged for help, but there was no way." You seem as though you're frustrated, and guilty. Like you repeated this line too many times. Even if I'm wrong, which I most likely am, this was still a great poem. Very well put together. You should write more often! =^_^=
oh my it does sound like the beginning to "A Team"!
Actually, wow, I had to listen to that song, and I guess it does. And I don't really understand why I would feel frustrated and guilty, but it can be however you imagine it to be. Thanks for the comment!
Well the way I read it it would be like you could've done something, but you didn't know what.
Hey there! Your friendly neighborhood NerdBird here for a review!
This was perfect in my opinion!
as TheWriter13 has said, it reads very much like some sort of death chant or mantra that your character is following along to.
But due to this flow, I felt it got to the end too soon! Perhaps add more detail, what has driven them to this point? get deeper into the emotions as opposed to the actions which are tied to them.
I love the idea of death as a physical person or even predator though! That should warrant a piece all to it's self, or at least a bigger part/follow-on
Keep up the good work!
Look forward to seeing more!
Thanks for the review!! I think I'll do an upgraded version of it when I get another wave of inspiration, and consider all of your advice. Really happy for all the comments.
*sighs* What a depressing poem
But VERY well written. I think the flow reminds me of a chilling death chant that leaves goosebumps on one's shoulders (which means your poem flows well)
But I think you could spice it up, add more to it. You could add stronger, more powerful words to convey an even stronger message. This means you could add more imagery, metaphors, etc. But you don't have to do that if you don't want to. I understand you're trying to rhyme here with this rhyme scheme but some parts of the poem don't rhyme. But you know, that's totally fine, you don't have to always abide by the rhyme scheme. But I suggest you stick to rhyming throughout the poem to keep consistency.
Also the rhythm is a bit choppy at parts, so I suggest reading it over to make sure the syllables in each line are the same for a smoother flow.
Perhaps add articles "a, the, an" to keep a consistent rhythm in some lines.
Anyway, I LOVE this even though I'm not one for suicidal pieces. But you really are good.
Keep writing!
Thank you very much! I will look out for it, I just felt like publishing something and as I wrote in a previous reply English isn't my native, so I don't have a really good vocabulary but I'll do my best. Thanks!
Really? I couldn't tell, you used good words
Haha, thanks