z

Young Writers Society



The Returning One

by abigail_elizabeth


[pre]I'm sitting here.
Locked away in a chamber.
Isolated from the outside world.
On a cold cement floor.
Surrounded by nothing but cement walls.
No bed.
No windows.
Nothing but a cold atmosphere is what captures me.
Sitting in the dark damp intriguing cell.
I wait for my best friend to return.
I feel as though I am a dying fire.
That has only turned into cold ashes.
He told me he wanted to be alone.
That he wanted to escape from me, but he can't keep away forever.
He promised me he would return.
He promised me.
When locking me in here.
That he would return for me one day.
He would come back.
And fill my heart with his love.
He knows that I do not want to stay in this mess.
I am only begging to see the sun shining bring in the blue skies.
I want to feel the summer breeze run through my hair.
He knows how badly I want to be free.
I want ever so badly to feel the rain pouring down in a spring thunderstorm.
I want to hear the song birds singing s melody so vivid in the morning.
I want to smell the salty air that follows the populated beaches.
I want to taste the freshly cut vegetables in a delicious garden salad.
I want to see the love that shall be offered to me.
But all I can do anymore,
Is sit here and wait for my friend to return.
All I have left are my dreams of freedom.
That is all that rings through my head.
Sometimes I tend to lose my mind.
Being trapped in this brutal place.
I claim to see rats that have had conversations with me.
Verifying my friends return.
I can't wait till I see him again.
He is as sweet as the summer nights air.
He should by mother earth's moon.
Always changing his location.
Love's despair is stronger than ones heart can bare.
Yet called upon for the true feeling of passion.
Oh how agony has marked my heart with depression.
I lay waiting.
Praying for the one i hope to truly love will someday return soon.[/pre]

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30 Reviews

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Reviews: 30

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Mon Feb 04, 2008 10:00 pm
Ray112 wrote a review...



I like this poem. It seems to tell a story. I can imagine the speaker trapped in a prison. I imagine that the prison's more figurative than tangent. Maybe the cement cell is a metaphore for the person's mind or possibly the life barriers that all relationships go through. However, you should think about splitting this up into stanzas that way your transitions can come out a little smoother. And some of the lines in here seem contradicting. particularly this part

He told me he wanted to be alone.That he wanted to escape from me, but he can't keep away forever.He promised me he would return.
it was a little confusing to me which is why i suggest you use stanzas. But you are the author of this poem after all and i can't be sure if this was done on purpous. It could have been meant to confuse the reader to display how confused the speaker of this poem was...This poem was good. It can be revised but that's totally up to you. My teacher once said"a good poem is always one that gets the reader thinking" this poem certainly did that for me. Not bad...




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114 Reviews

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Fri Jan 11, 2008 3:15 am
RoryLegend says...



Abby that was deep. I felt like I was trapped in a room myself. Well I was sitting in my room with the light off Reading it but that is beside the point. LOL.




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Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:42 pm
smorgishborg wrote a review...



It wasn't terrible, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't exceptional. And I think you could have done a good deal more with this.

I recommend that you read some Walt Whitman. There were elements of your style that reminded me of him.

What your poem needs is more pizazz(!), it needs more description, more metaphor, more literary devices. You tell it as it is, and while that isn't explicitly bad, it's much more interesting to read something with more behind it.

Ex:

I'm sitting here.
Locked away in a chamber


You could write a poem based on these two lines. I don't suggest that extreme, but you ought to try and take whatever imagery you can get and run with it.

For example:
underneath me I feel,
the cool cement of my prison floor
as I stare through the slots in my window
at the lock on the oaken door


Not only does that rhyme, (not intended by the way) but it presents things in a little more engaging manner. It isn't even that great, but it's my best 5 second example of how to encorperate more imagery.

This isn't a new topic, but I definately incourage you to keep at it. We'll see how it comes out in the end...





There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable