History is a Lady

Hi abelgaiya! I was drawn in by the idea of history as a lady, and I feel you could do so much more with it. It's interesting because I see a lady as someone who is refined, sophisticated, noble. History is so often none of those things, but I think you could make it work.

I wouldn't say poetry is so much about "sounding deep" as using images, metaphors and the like to discuss something in a new way. In that respect, I feel like this falls short, as it pretty much lists some general historical trends, albeit with a strong vocabulary.

This could be much more interesting if it was more specific. This is difficult with such a broad topic as history, but it can still be done. For example, "The lady gasped at the site of the pharoah's pointed triumph, but wept for those who died to build it." (The pyramids, obviously). These could make more of an impact on the reader.

I understand if you don't want to continue with poetry, but I think this work has potential if you want to play with it.

Hello! Your poem is very interesting. I was dragged in by you explanation of it and I found myself reading it and nodding at it.
I absolutely loved your reppitition, "A lady..." each time you said it, it re-caught my attention. You did follow it with some very lovely things too.
On the opposite scale, the things that came after "A lady..." made me lose intrest. I feel as if this could have been a stronger poem. Our world's history is long and dark but has moments of great romance. I just felt you could have balanced out the poem a tad bit more.
Anyway I did love the thought process behind this, and it was a very powerful poem.
Please remember that the person conducting this reveiw is a mediocor writer at best so my opinions remain to be supported.
Keep up the lovely work though.

Hello, abelgaiya! I'm Indie, here to review.

First of all, forget the disclaimer - I, for one, wouldn't have considered you an amateur by judging your writing! It was well thought-out.

Let's start with your first line, "I perceive history to be a lady." My first thoughts are, okay, that's cool, but tell me why you think history is a female? You never really expand on this, and since it's the first line, last line, and title of the poem, I think you need to touch base on this throughout the whole poem.

I really like the vocabulary in this, but on a few words I get the feeling that you just put them in there because they sounded pretty. Take, for instance, "recalcitrant" - given the line you use it in, I don't really see the connection between the word's definition (refusal to submit to authority) and warfare/suffering. I think if you expanded on this idea, you could make it work, but for right now, by itself, the two themes seem a little detached. Always shoot for unification of theme in poetry.

"A lady who mocks the stupidity of men, and the cataclysmic results they proffer." This is probably my favorite line. "Cataclysmic" and "proffer" are such lovely words.

In these lines: "A lady who smiles at the beauty of young love and the exquisiteness of aged love.
A lady who beams at the sight of men building families and sharing their love,"
I noticed that you use the same term to describe three very different ideas. Young love, lasting love, and family love are all very different. I think you could use different words for this, especially for the fading wonder of "aged love", because I'm sure your Lady History has seen less and less of it as the years go by. Also, the second line I pointed out about building a family is fairly underwhelming. In my opinion, the greater success is holding the family together.

"A lady who remembers men that left their marks on her so that they might not be forgotten by her."
I'd revise this to, "A lady who remembers men that left their marks, so that they might not be forgotten by her."

And the ending was expected and cliche. I think you could do a lot more with that. Pack a punch!

~

Overall, I liked this. But there was really no imagery or metaphorical devices or anything at all, besides the personification of history as a lady, in this. I understand that you wrote this to be a prose poetry, but personally I think it would be more profound as a free verse, with stanzas. There's something special about strategic line breaks in a free verse that never fails to bring me to my knees.

Keep writing!

Indie.